I feel trapped

[Namechange9853689]

I met DP when I was 22 and he was 37. We’ve been together for 7 years and have a 4 year old DS.

I was just finishing a grad scheme in a decent career (earning £40k in my early 20s) when I found out I was pregnant. Therefore I didn’t apply for any further role as our plan was for me to be a SAHM.

Pre-DS, we got on great. We went travelling and we’re always doing fun things together. However since DS, our relationship has completely changed. DP is away a lot for work and is stressed the majority of the time. I don’t think we would be together now if it wasn’t for DS in all honesty. We don’t argue, but I don’t think there’s much affection between us, it feels more like a business partnership really. We have a great life together - multiple abroad holidays a year, nice home, DS will be going to private school etc. and I can pretty much have whatever I want.

I feel incredibly trapped. Sadly, there is no way I would be able to re-enter the career I left. You can just about re-enter after a stint on mat leave, but have absolutely no chance with a 5+ year career break. I feel like I have no work place skills any more due to me leaving so early on in my career and having such a big gap.

If I were to leave DP, I would have nothing. I have no savings in my own name, no family to help out, nowhere to stay. I put up with behaviour from DP instead of calling him out on it for an easy life and to not rock the boat as I don’t know what would happen should we split. He’s a great Dad, but is grumpy when stressed a lot. Thankfully, none of this affects DS in the slightest, he genuinely is a great dad. We both love DS so much and neither of us would want to be away from him at all.

Having worked hard to secure a good job at a young age, the thought of going back to work in a low paid role kills me. I wouldn’t even know where we would start in terms of finding somewhere to live.

We’ve been meaning to get married for years and just haven’t got round to it. But I don’t really know if I feel like getting married with our relationship feeling as flat as it does. But I wonder whether I should start making marriage arrangements purely for security? Do I just carry on as things are? Like I say, we don’t argue - there’s just not much affection or warmth between us anymore. Or am I too young to stay in this kind of relationship? Our son also has a great life at the moment and obviously that would all change.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking. Just for some words of advice I suppose. Please no “this is why you don’t become an unmarried SAHM” - I am already aware of how this has had a negative impact for me.

You’re very young OP and you have so much of life ahead of you. You can definitely get back into meaningful work and/ or training again and it sounds like you need to! Do talk to your partner and try counselling too. If you don’t do anything then your relationship will likely fall apart anyway but you can start making proactive choices now.

Ok, well you need to have a plan to leave, if that's what you want. It could be a long-term plan, maybe getting yourself retrained elsewhere and back into a career, before you feel secure enough to decide on splitting. But you are very vulnerable at the moment, and you need to do everything in your power to look after yourself.

Do you have any transferrable skills? Any interests that you could develop into a career through training?

We have a great life together - multiple abroad holidays a year, nice home, DS will be going to private school etc. and I can pretty much have whatever I want.

You have an 'out' here. Use some of the money you use for holidays and having 'whatever you want' to go back to college or university and retrain. Then when you're in a better financial position leave.

It sucks that might mean another 3 to 5 years in a dead marriage but as long as he's not abusive then I would play the long game here.

You are so vulnerable.
You were targeted by a creep when you were barely legal.

You need to get back to work .
It is that simple.
You need to retrain or a refresh course, post grad course.
That needs to be your absolute priority.
Start squirrelling money away.
Have you family support?

What would it take to pick up your career? Can you update your qualifications or giving at a lower level with a pathway to promotions?

Take a look at an apprenticeship. It's a way of getting into the workplace with a plan and a salary. Maybe in whatever field you were in previously, the civil service or perhaps academia.

Get that in place and then look at your personal situation - being valued somewhere else might help (or break) it. Just a thought.

What’s your industry? I know I would really have a problem getting back in (financial services) might have to take a 25% ish pay cut, but could soon recover that.

My family would all think I was insane if I left him - they adore him.

I worked in Marketing for a big tech company. I wouldn’t be able to get back into the industry as it changes so quickly. There are now younger graduates who are more up to date with media and who would be willing to work for less money.
The hours are also too long for me to work around DS and DP.

You absolutely can go back to work. The sort of businesses that run grad schemes often also run returners' schemes for women who have been out of the workforce- do some research and see what is out there. 4 years is not that long and you have your whole life ahead of you.

I’ve been out of work for nearly 6 years.

And we also live very rurally now. I could no longer commute to London/Manchester/Birmingham unfortunately.

You aren’t even married, though? You have ZERO security. He could throw you out at any moment. He could die and leave you penniless.

You are foolish to stay in this limbo—snd he knows it. Either get married and retrain and go back to work or take your child and go home and retrain and go to work. You are enslaved to an idea of a relationship which you don’t even have. You are extremely vulnerable.

Of course you can retrain, you're still in your 20s. Do some research and get out there. Financial independence has to be your goal. The only thing that's trapping you is your thoughts.

You sound as if you've lost a lot of confidence.

How would your DP react if you said you were going back to work?

Have you actually sat down with him and talked it through as he doesn't sound very happy in the relationship either.

Maybe you can both work together to make a better relationship or maybe it's time to call it a day.

He would rather I stayed at home. He owns his own business and wouldn’t be able to (or be willing to) reduce his hours at all to help with DS in the week.

If it’s what I decided I wanted to do, he would support me returning to work. But there’s no way he would reduce his working hours.

I would really encourage you to do whatever it takes to go back to work. It wouldn't require your partner to change his hours- that is what childcare is for. Once you're working you will have far more options and the wherewithal to leave if you choose to.

Being an unmarried SAHM is very precarious for you. Even if you were blissfully happy in your relationship I'd be encouraging you either to get a job or get married.

You are living very rurally?
Of course you are.
Unmarried ✔️
No money✔️
Full-time mother✔️

He has you deliberately very stuck.
You need to look to move so you can get back to work.
You are in a highly controlling relationship.

Move, retrain, he needs to pay for childcare.

Watch his reaction to paying for full-time childcare so you can retrain and return to work.

Call Womens aid for a chat.

Honestly get married and then either work or go and do a Part time MA.

Your DP will have to pay for childcare.

I’m not sure you want to leave DP, I just think you’re bored with being ‘just a mum’ and I wouldn’t blame you.

You need something for yourself.

Perhaps you could do a masters degree, which will help you get back into work, give you more confidence and meet some new people.
Although it comes with hard work, you can take time off easier unlike with work.

I don’t think DP should reduce his hours, as his job seems pretty stable and the whole family rely on his income.

I would get married.
Perhaps just a small ceremony.

Are you planning on having more kids?

I think this is unfair.

OP has chosen to remain unmarried and be a SAHP.

It’s not controlling if it was her choice.

Be pragmatic. Get married. Retrain. Sounds like money for childcare to support that won’t be a problem. Get an emergency fund together - although it doesn’t sound like there will need to be a dash for it in the night for safety thankfully.

enjoy the lifestyle but don’t get used to it. Accept an okayish situation for a few years and plan for the future.

Best advice is to leave him, take your child, get child maintenance, and work things out on your own. Sounds like a horribly abusive marriage you deserve better.

You can absolutely get back into work. Alot of places have programmed for those that have had career breaks. You even got a degree too.

I worked as a software engineer until I had my first child and then I was a sahm. I went back into the workplace TWENTY YEARS later into information security. I upskilled by starting an MSc but left when I was offered the role I’m in now.

If I can do it, so can you. You’ve got this.