I feel trapped

[Namechange9853689]

I met DP when I was 22 and he was 37. We’ve been together for 7 years and have a 4 year old DS.

I was just finishing a grad scheme in a decent career (earning £40k in my early 20s) when I found out I was pregnant. Therefore I didn’t apply for any further role as our plan was for me to be a SAHM.

Pre-DS, we got on great. We went travelling and we’re always doing fun things together. However since DS, our relationship has completely changed. DP is away a lot for work and is stressed the majority of the time. I don’t think we would be together now if it wasn’t for DS in all honesty. We don’t argue, but I don’t think there’s much affection between us, it feels more like a business partnership really. We have a great life together - multiple abroad holidays a year, nice home, DS will be going to private school etc. and I can pretty much have whatever I want.

I feel incredibly trapped. Sadly, there is no way I would be able to re-enter the career I left. You can just about re-enter after a stint on mat leave, but have absolutely no chance with a 5+ year career break. I feel like I have no work place skills any more due to me leaving so early on in my career and having such a big gap.

If I were to leave DP, I would have nothing. I have no savings in my own name, no family to help out, nowhere to stay. I put up with behaviour from DP instead of calling him out on it for an easy life and to not rock the boat as I don’t know what would happen should we split. He’s a great Dad, but is grumpy when stressed a lot. Thankfully, none of this affects DS in the slightest, he genuinely is a great dad. We both love DS so much and neither of us would want to be away from him at all.

Having worked hard to secure a good job at a young age, the thought of going back to work in a low paid role kills me. I wouldn’t even know where we would start in terms of finding somewhere to live.

We’ve been meaning to get married for years and just haven’t got round to it. But I don’t really know if I feel like getting married with our relationship feeling as flat as it does. But I wonder whether I should start making marriage arrangements purely for security? Do I just carry on as things are? Like I say, we don’t argue - there’s just not much affection or warmth between us anymore. Or am I too young to stay in this kind of relationship? Our son also has a great life at the moment and obviously that would all change.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking. Just for some words of advice I suppose. Please no “this is why you don’t become an unmarried SAHM” - I am already aware of how this has had a negative impact for me.

He definitely isn’t controlling. He would pay for childcare if it’s what I really wanted to do.

You need to get married, as that will bring your legal status in line with your circumstances. It sounds like he has not been refusing to marry you, and it doesn't sound like your relationship is so awful that you must prioritise severing ties right now. There is no reason not to marry. If you split in future, so be it - as you know, you will have nothing if you split unmarried. He has basically kept you as a concubine - to have you be a SAHM without marrying you, and with such an unequal distribution of wealth and earning power, is exploitative. He must know that he has the advantage, and perhaps this is why you "haven't got round" to marrying. Put it back on the table, and get a date set for 2025 (or sooner!).

He targeted and groomed you and then has slowly coerced you and eroded your agency - isolation, deskilling, financial & power imbalance - trapped to meet his needs.

What was his relationship history?

@gramachroi That’s quite an interpretation of events. There is nothing to say OP is being abused in the ways you describe or that she was coerced/manipulated into making the decisions that led her to be an unmarried SAHM.

Get married and get a job.

Apart from the title of her thread "I feel trapped"

And in her own words:

*Pre-DS, we got on great.

I put up with behaviour from DP instead of calling him out on it for an easy life and to not rock the boat as I don’t know what would happen should we split.

If I were to leave DP, I would have nothing. I have no savings in my own name, no family to help out, nowhere to stay.

And we also live very rurally now.

He would rather I stayed at home.*

This has all the hall-marks of an abusive coercively controlling relationship.

This nearly 40 year old bloke targets a young grad and engineers her to be in this powerless position - no money, no career, geographically and emotionally isolated.

Yes the OPs feelings are accurate - he has in fact trapped her.

Curious as to why you chose to step out of the workforce & be SAHM in the first place. Why did you choose to give up your career?

Get married but simultanous start planning your next five years, share with him, specfically see what he says om you reentering your old field or having a baby. You want to present many options for your shared future. Let him think convo should be light flirty. Start cross training in data analysis leave after you can stand on your feet, or see if this could work and still share your wants for the future, youve got this. Some of this advice was actually from something a mate went through much older then you, his responce was you are to old to get anywhere without me, she left him within 3 to 4 months, but he did come back on his knees the fucker, they got married, so deff works.

If he'd pay for childcare, then I definitely think you should start work or retraining/study. Even if it's part-time.

Yes, it'll be hard to fit around him, but it's all to the purpose of getting out of your gilded cage (or at least having the option to). It might be that when you feel you could be independent of him, if the relationship is good, you won't want to leave.

But it's always good to be there because you want to be, not because you feel there's no choice.

Are you getting NI credits while you're a SAHM? Please consider the long term effects on your pension and financial future by not working and being dependent on a man you're not married to. Also, if he died unexpectedly, what's in place for you?

Life will be a bit more complicated and tougher trying to get yourself out of the trap, but most things worth having have that aspect.

It sounds as if you have options so make a plan and take the steps needed.

Most people lack confidence when they have been out of the workplace but you will be fine. You may not get a great job at first but there are shortages of people who are prepared to work

Realistically if you separated now you would only get CMS. However if he's a good dad it's likely he would continue to pay for private school so your sons life wouldn't be ruined

Do you have a pension? If not start there. Make sure your role as SAHM is funding a pension, that's the least your partner can do. If he has his own business can he employ you?

If course you should have been married before children so decide if you could go through a marriage to him.

A lot of companies have returner schemes. Or volunteer/work experience options. Go back to work op independence is the way forward. Then consider your relationship. Your partner was a lot older than you, which can be a red flag with controlling relationships.

"the thought of going back to work in a low paid role kills me."

Well, that's basically where you are now. Working in a low paying role. If you get back to the workplace at least there would be opportunities for advancement, and you'd be paying into a pension and gaining independence.