At what age can a child decide to reduce contact with one parent

[Snowdrop17]

...if there is no court order? DD13 currently sees her dad every other w/end but has asked to reduce to every third weekend. Mainly because she's not very comfortable there, but also because he lives a 50min drive away with his now wife (previous OW) and she's starting to have social plans with friends who live near school.
She is afraid to tell him she'd like to reduce to every 3rd weekend and has asked he to do so. It's going to be received badly, and I won't be surprised if the decide to take it to court (exH and wife are very confrontational people)
The living conditions re cleanliness and food are not good (despite them being wealthy) and she doesn't really get any quality time with her dad/he doesn't speak to her much.
I am at a loss as what to do in her best interests. I want her to feel supported by me, but I also want to encourage a relationship with her dad. Ideally, I would like them to accept the every 3 weeks because that's what makes her happy and maybe after a few months she'll want to increase again, who knows. Does it have legs going to court when she's (a very intellectually mature) 13?

A judge would allow her to choose based on her age.

I'm not in a financial position to get a lawyer, but can borrow money if self representing is too difficult/not a good idea...

Can your daughter not see her friends if she's staying with her dad? If he understood that the alternative was a reduction in contact, he might be happy to facilitate her social life more. We used to live 30 minutes from my stepkids' mother but we managed to facilitate various activities and social engagements on our contact time.

I think 30mins is about doable. 50mins is actually longer in weekend traffic and god knows it would take a load off me if this were to happen, but DD does not want her friends having Any contact with her stepmum - we tried this and stepmum came across as abrasive to the kids and embarrasses DD.

The other issue is that the linen on her bed is constantly dirty, there is no access to clean towel, the shower is grim, meals don't happen regularly, her room has dog poo and dead insects in it and her sleep is very disturbed - if she leaves the door open, the puppies jump on her, if she closes it, the cats scratch on the door at 2am to be let in. She often comes back on a Sunday night with a migraine due to poor sleep, and last year the only days she missed school were Mondays after being at her dad's.

Would she be willing to increase time at another time. So if she goes for a week in school holidays making it 10 days? Or if she goes 1 night on a weekend would she consider 2 nights on the weekends she goes? So ultimately the times similar just split differently.

I find offering a change rather than a reduction helps soften the blow. You never know if she doesn't feel welcome there. Maybe she isn't and they'll embrace the change.

It sounds grim.

Can she start taking her own sheets (2 flat ones & a pillowcase) and towel with her?

I would support her in saying one weekend a month and let him drag it to court and get Cafcass involved and you self rep.

In the situation you describe, she would be reasonable to take photos and then stop staying over at all. If her dad wants to contest that, he can go to court and explain why he is offering dirty accommodation with no food and faeces on the floor.

If my child was being expected to live in conditions like this, I would be keeping a log of missed meals and how little she actually saw her father etc. I would also have her take photos of her room and the bathroom each time she arrived, then use that to support any court case they brought against her for wanting reduced contact.

Best interests of the child is primarily what the court are interested in and fortunately for her she’s of an age and level of maturity where her views will be taken into account. She has at least one perfectly valid reason for wanting to cut down contact (wants to see her pals) and the update only adds to it. That’s grim. If he was bothered about having a relationship with her he could change things a bit at his end, namely, make time for her, facilitate seeing her pals without adults around, clean up a bit, listen to what she’s saying about needing rest.

If he threatens you with court point out that the proposed change is not coming from you, you’d ideally want her to be happy to spend every other weekend with her dad, have encouraged her to see her dad at the current level and that your DD will be interviewed to ascertain her views. If he is such an own-way merchant that he can’t accept that then what’s your choice? Compel her to be somewhere she doesn’t want to be? You’re between a rock and a hard place OP but she needs someone to speak up for her until the day comes she has the confidence to do it for herself.

It sounds like neglect if it’s dirty and meals aren’t regularly provided. I guess as she is used to going she could try cancelling and do a slow fade option and then have a chat with him. Or write down how she feels. Could mediation be an option to put in place the routine she wants. Although if it’s that bad I’m not sure I’d let her go at all.

Good idea re taking own linen (will add healthy snacks too) and taking photos. I was all for fostering a good daughter-father relationship after all my reading saying it's best for the child, that I'm feeling guilty now that I haven't been taking her complaints seriously for a long time. Just fed up of making excuses for him now. And it's time for me to show my DD I can advocate for her.

He gives her a huel meal replacement shake for one of her meals! And they're both professionals who have a cleaner! I think we may go for the slow fade option because he can be a bit of a bully.

Since she is seeing her father regularly I think that she's old enough to decide how often on a regular basis when she wants to spend time with them. It isn't like it's just her father, he has a partner, and that could be another reason why she feels so uncomfortable. Avoid court. You say that she is mature for 13, I think it's appropriate for it to be her choice. You should explain this to her father that these are her wishes and remind him that he does not live alone. Maybe she will want to spend more time with them later on down the road, but as for now, as long as he is seeing her regularly, it shouldn't be an issue.

DD could also ask him to come and visit one evening or half a day EoW take her out for a meal or similar to spend time together the 2 of them.

If he refuses then it's more evidence of his lack of interest.

My DD decided at 13 to stop seeing her Dad at all. The family therapist said she would be listened to, but also that it would take so long if it went to court it wasn’t worth him trying

Same happened here. Just slowly decreased. Rather than changing the routine she just started missing some of the EOWs so it became more or less every 4.
Now she's 18 and it's very hit and miss. She still goes but not regularly.

From what you have posted I wouldn't send her at all.

Dirty bedding, dog poo in the room, huel etc.

At 13 her wishes will be taken into account.

That said would he actually take you to court anyway? He can't even be arsed to create a clean environment for her or provide a meal.

If he threatens court I'd tell him to bring it on and you'll be happy to tell the court how important his child's welfare is and why she doesn't want to visit.

At this age my DSD wanted more time with mum as it's nearer her friends. It's totally normal. DH spoke to her and we offered to have more sleepovers with friends at our house and she was really happy with that (but to be clear there were no issues with her bedroom or food!!).

I think in your case it's a double whammy of dad's house being totally uninviting and missing friends.

He can kick off but he's the problem here.

The child’s wishes and feelings will be considered in light of their age and understanding.

There are family mediators out there who specialise in speaking to the children as well. You might be able to cut him off at the pass, so to speak.

Dog poo in the room is an absolute health hazard - who on earth would want to go and stay in those conditions. After the first post I was thinking she is going to have to keep up the arrangements for long but with the updates I would be supporting her as much as possible.

You can self represent in court. In your case, your daughter’s feelings will be respected by the judge so assuming that she’d be happy to make statements etc, don’t worry about getting a solicitor or your ex dragging you to mediation.

The updates sound awful and I wouldn’t send my child in your shoes. 🤮

She's old enough to decide. Heck, if she never wanted to stay overnight I'd understand under the circumstances- and I wouldn't particularly want her to go either. Shouldn't mean more work for you though. If she wants to see her mates and can't cycle or walk to them, she's old enough to learn to use public transport.

If they are image conscious wouldn't it be awful if photos of the state of their home and daughters room got around.....

I hate bullies so would play dirty no court will force her at 13.