At what age can a child decide to reduce contact with one parent

[Snowdrop17]

...if there is no court order? DD13 currently sees her dad every other w/end but has asked to reduce to every third weekend. Mainly because she's not very comfortable there, but also because he lives a 50min drive away with his now wife (previous OW) and she's starting to have social plans with friends who live near school.
She is afraid to tell him she'd like to reduce to every 3rd weekend and has asked he to do so. It's going to be received badly, and I won't be surprised if the decide to take it to court (exH and wife are very confrontational people)
The living conditions re cleanliness and food are not good (despite them being wealthy) and she doesn't really get any quality time with her dad/he doesn't speak to her much.
I am at a loss as what to do in her best interests. I want her to feel supported by me, but I also want to encourage a relationship with her dad. Ideally, I would like them to accept the every 3 weeks because that's what makes her happy and maybe after a few months she'll want to increase again, who knows. Does it have legs going to court when she's (a very intellectually mature) 13?

Does she actually want to go every 3 weeks .

she is approaching GCSE years . Getting migraines isn’t helpful .

i see it as actually wilful neglect as they have a cleaner .

i would tell Dd what ever she wants to do you will support her .

courts are very used to people self representating as many can’t afford solicitors.

@OliviaWould I get on better with the wife than the exH 😂

With some of the cleanliness/ food stuff I think it would be worth double checking this with ex h. I know it’s awkward but id text him something like “Dd was embarrassed to talk to you about this but she says that her sheets are dirty and there is dog poo in her room. Any chance you can get the cleaner to take a look?” And a different day “Dd didn’t want to upset you by raising it but she doesn’t like huel. Would it be ok for her to make herself a sandwich at lunchtime instead?”.

With the access id first try reducing/cancelling a couple of weekends because of social obligations and see what happens. If he doesn’t object then you could just carry on with that. If he pushes back then that’s probably the time to start thinking about offering mediation etc.

If they have a cleaner, how come her room is so dirty?

I'd let her reduce her visits as the social side is so important to them at that age, but probably wouldn't make this big announcement about it.

Let her tell him/or tell him on her behalf when she has other plans (obviously giving him notice). "Xx can't make it this weekend as she has plans with friend xx"

I'd do it more ad hoc than formally.

Im in a similar situation but no distance issues. My dd is 10, no court order and doesnt want to go tp her dads as often, and i really don't want to do anything via court, her dad is confrontational and has family court experience with his other son. So slow fading has started here, its working pretty well. There was one change over night that she became hit or miss on, then eventually more miss, until it just disappeared.

If the hygiene is really that bad and he doesn't feed her properly, she shouldn't be going at all to be honest as he isn't maintaining a suitable environment for his child and he's putting her health at risk if there's poo in the house. I'd get her to take photos of the dirty bathroom, dog poo, inadequate food, etc so that if he kicks off, there's evidence. Poor kid having to go there and stay if it's genuinely as bad as you're saying.

I would be suggesting they spend a day together every other weekend. And she doesn't stop there.

Get a sit-down with him sorted to talk it through and let Dd vote with her feet if he refuses to accept his daughter is growing up.

Let him take you to court if he feels that strongly but in the event, lawyer up.
He won't "win" as such and your Dd will be put through the stress and inevitable effect on her GCSE learning for nothing.

Good luck.

Thank you for all the useful options and advice! x 🙏

• opinions

If your DD doesn't want to tell him she doesn't want to.go, is she going to tell the court? I'd advise you meet together if possible, just you, your ex and Dd and talk it through. My kids reduced contact at a similar age for similar reasons but the DC need to be brave enough to be honest

Dog poo in the bedroom? No access to food or to get clean properly? I’d be making a call to social services!

Same. I've got a friend going through this at the moment with her kids who hate going to their father's house. He also doesn't feed them properly. It's a very similar set up, OW, two highly paid professionals etc. It's getting to the point where she's having to force them to go because she's fearful of repercussions. So they are deploying the slow fade method. My own view is that she should just stop sending them, suggest a lunch out or activity instead. So what if he goes to court? It won't work with a child that age. You can self rep, I've done it myself.

It can be that bad in a house with a cleaner.. all you do is say "don't clean Xs room, she's only here every other weekend!"

I send clean bedding, snacks, a towel, toiletries, etc.. with my DD to her dads. Without she would suffer, he doesn't provide. I'd go with the slow fade. I understand courts listen to the opinions of teens and older children so if he really does go to court you have the very comfortable defence of "she doesn't want to go that often".