There's a man who loves me and has been waiting for me to leave my H for over a year. He left his wife for me and has been waiting - not committing to a long term tenancy, not making career plans, because if I leave H I may need to move away for financial reasons and logistical reasons re dc(9) and he would follow me. I did leave for a short time when H told me to get out during a horrible argument, to go back to my hometown to clear my head, and OM was wonderful to me. He fixed my car and things around my house, cooked for me, planted a garden for me, listened to me for hours. I went back out of fear of the unknown. And yet he stuck around. I know he really loves me.
My affair started just over a year ago. OM is kind and calm. We have the exact same taste in music/movies/books and are both very close to our families of origin with similar values. I feel more open with him sexually than i ever have in my life. We talk for hours. Laugh together, cry together. I know I'm a shit for this, but he makes me feel like myself - maybe for the first time in my adult life. I can speak my mind freely, I can be funny and open and bold, I'm not just a housekeeper and mother which is how I feel at home a lot of the time.
H has ground me down over the years with a tendency to sulk or fly off the handle quickly; it's ruined days out and holidays with and without dc. Our communication and to some extent my personality has completely subsided just to keep the peace. And when there's 'peace' we are OK - nice holidays, quiet family evenings in front of the TV and shopping trips, mealtimes together. But if I didn't plan our lives nothing would really happen, and I know dc feels ignored by H a lot of the time. I think H didn't adjust well to having kids and needs a LOT of downtime, much of which is spent video gaming. It's been like this for years. It used to upset me but I don't even comment anymore. I feel so suffocated at home, lonely and un-seen. It doesn't excuse the affair I started about a year ago, but I was so hopeless. I remember turning 35 a month before I met OM and thinking: if I want another dc (which I really do), I have to sort out my marriage or leave because H and I can't have another the way things are.
Now, things have finally come to a head. I told H about the affair a little while ago and while very angry, he says he has hope and wants us to try and make things work. He says we will give it to the end of dc's school year. I know that if I decide to make things work with H, I will have to cut off OM. I also know that the benefits of staying together and trying to make it work are there for dc- her quality of life won't be affected, she can stay in her school/with friends. And i do still love H in my own way. It may not be the passionate feeling or emotional connection i have for OM, but often when I am in a place H and I have been happy I feel very sad about the idea of losing him, same when me and dc go somewhere together that we might have gone as a family it feels like I might always miss H and our family unit if I give up. I'd miss cuddling with H in bed which has so often been my safe space. I'd miss his lovely family who are everything mine aren't and again, are a safe place for me. I'd miss our in-jokes, our adventures on holiday, our Christmas traditions. He made me a promise when we first dated that he'd always buy me any books I wanted because I love books, and he still does. The last time we discussed divorce we both broke down. It's just so sad. We were so in love once, before all of the arguments, resentment and bullshit. But it's been years of that. H loves me, i know, but i think he finds my personality difficult. The amount of times he has said I'm damaged, broken, difficult, that I don't like a man telling me what to do, that I've never gotten over my parents divorce, that I'm a 'shit wife' (in those words.) I am fiesty and I argue back and he hates that.
I just don't know what to do now as I feel I am at a crossroads. OM has waited faithfully for me and maintains that he's been in love with me since our first long conversation. A life with him would be less dramatic, I think- he is a little older and has a calm demeanour and hates arguing and is quick to apologise. The opposite of my H. I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again, of wondering 'what if?' And yet - H has his faults but I think I still love him. I also feel an obligation to my little family to give it a real go. If I stay, with our joint finances I can afford to go to individual counselling and figure out what led me to the affair - I'm not naive enough to think the affair is a cause rather than a symptom. I can also get my career in a better place in case things don't work out. H feels like hom and I'm exhausted from the past year. Even if i don't have more dc, I can focus on the dc I have and give her everything she needs.
And yet- my mum, who has watched the downward trajectory of my and H's relationship, urges me to leave. She has a rental property dc and I could start over in. She has witnessed some of our arguments/tension and can't stand my H. She also tells me that she still regrets, 40 years later, leaving a man she loved in favour of security. The main thing that goes round round in my head right now is that I know I don't want to sleep with H or even kiss him. I don't even like his sex noises, I don't know how to get that back, if I could I would feel more optimistic.
I don't want to lose OM. But I also feel so incredibly sad at the thought of losing H and our family life. It seems like less people will be hurt for less time, if I stay with my H and work hard at my marriage. But what if this is a chance at happiness?