WWYD - loving 2 people, breaking my heart

[bookmacair]

There's a man who loves me and has been waiting for me to leave my H for over a year. He left his wife for me and has been waiting - not committing to a long term tenancy, not making career plans, because if I leave H I may need to move away for financial reasons and logistical reasons re dc(9) and he would follow me. I did leave for a short time when H told me to get out during a horrible argument, to go back to my hometown to clear my head, and OM was wonderful to me. He fixed my car and things around my house, cooked for me, planted a garden for me, listened to me for hours. I went back out of fear of the unknown. And yet he stuck around. I know he really loves me.

My affair started just over a year ago. OM is kind and calm. We have the exact same taste in music/movies/books and are both very close to our families of origin with similar values. I feel more open with him sexually than i ever have in my life. We talk for hours. Laugh together, cry together. I know I'm a shit for this, but he makes me feel like myself - maybe for the first time in my adult life. I can speak my mind freely, I can be funny and open and bold, I'm not just a housekeeper and mother which is how I feel at home a lot of the time.

H has ground me down over the years with a tendency to sulk or fly off the handle quickly; it's ruined days out and holidays with and without dc. Our communication and to some extent my personality has completely subsided just to keep the peace. And when there's 'peace' we are OK - nice holidays, quiet family evenings in front of the TV and shopping trips, mealtimes together. But if I didn't plan our lives nothing would really happen, and I know dc feels ignored by H a lot of the time. I think H didn't adjust well to having kids and needs a LOT of downtime, much of which is spent video gaming. It's been like this for years. It used to upset me but I don't even comment anymore. I feel so suffocated at home, lonely and un-seen. It doesn't excuse the affair I started about a year ago, but I was so hopeless. I remember turning 35 a month before I met OM and thinking: if I want another dc (which I really do), I have to sort out my marriage or leave because H and I can't have another the way things are.

Now, things have finally come to a head. I told H about the affair a little while ago and while very angry, he says he has hope and wants us to try and make things work. He says we will give it to the end of dc's school year. I know that if I decide to make things work with H, I will have to cut off OM. I also know that the benefits of staying together and trying to make it work are there for dc- her quality of life won't be affected, she can stay in her school/with friends. And i do still love H in my own way. It may not be the passionate feeling or emotional connection i have for OM, but often when I am in a place H and I have been happy I feel very sad about the idea of losing him, same when me and dc go somewhere together that we might have gone as a family it feels like I might always miss H and our family unit if I give up. I'd miss cuddling with H in bed which has so often been my safe space. I'd miss his lovely family who are everything mine aren't and again, are a safe place for me. I'd miss our in-jokes, our adventures on holiday, our Christmas traditions. He made me a promise when we first dated that he'd always buy me any books I wanted because I love books, and he still does. The last time we discussed divorce we both broke down. It's just so sad. We were so in love once, before all of the arguments, resentment and bullshit. But it's been years of that. H loves me, i know, but i think he finds my personality difficult. The amount of times he has said I'm damaged, broken, difficult, that I don't like a man telling me what to do, that I've never gotten over my parents divorce, that I'm a 'shit wife' (in those words.) I am fiesty and I argue back and he hates that.

I just don't know what to do now as I feel I am at a crossroads. OM has waited faithfully for me and maintains that he's been in love with me since our first long conversation. A life with him would be less dramatic, I think- he is a little older and has a calm demeanour and hates arguing and is quick to apologise. The opposite of my H. I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again, of wondering 'what if?' And yet - H has his faults but I think I still love him. I also feel an obligation to my little family to give it a real go. If I stay, with our joint finances I can afford to go to individual counselling and figure out what led me to the affair - I'm not naive enough to think the affair is a cause rather than a symptom. I can also get my career in a better place in case things don't work out. H feels like hom and I'm exhausted from the past year. Even if i don't have more dc, I can focus on the dc I have and give her everything she needs.

And yet- my mum, who has watched the downward trajectory of my and H's relationship, urges me to leave. She has a rental property dc and I could start over in. She has witnessed some of our arguments/tension and can't stand my H. She also tells me that she still regrets, 40 years later, leaving a man she loved in favour of security. The main thing that goes round round in my head right now is that I know I don't want to sleep with H or even kiss him. I don't even like his sex noises, I don't know how to get that back, if I could I would feel more optimistic.

I don't want to lose OM. But I also feel so incredibly sad at the thought of losing H and our family life. It seems like less people will be hurt for less time, if I stay with my H and work hard at my marriage. But what if this is a chance at happiness?

This is very messy and painful to read. You have let yourself get caught up in an affair, and you know it was a mistake to do that whilst still married.

No wonder you’re exhausted- you must feel awful. I am sympathetic because I can see how you allowed yourself to get into this situation, finding friendship and attraction outside the struggling marriage - it was a comfort. And a terrible mistake.

If you leave: It will be difficult to create a life with OM, given what has happened - you will have to bear the contempt and loss of your dh’s lovely family; your dd will have the upheaval of moving and what may be a very distressing break up. And you will have your own guilt to deal with.

Affairs don’t always translate to good relationships but sometimes they do. Be very sure you and OM are on the same page - eg you may never have a second child.

On the other hand if you stay: how is your dh going to get past this affair? If he thought you were a “shit wife” before, and you stay now, I suspect he will throw this in your face forever. It will always be the spoken or unspoken reason why you have to put up with his bad moods and lack of interest.

I honestly think your mum is right: leave, clear your head. Try and make the separation as calm as possible for DD’s sake. Do not start up with OM. He has “waited” for you… well in truth what happened was he left his wife and has taken time to get his head together. Very sensible of him. It would be madness for you to rush into a relationship with him so quickly. If he is going to be your life partner, he can wait a year for you to be ready.

Yes. She's got kids.

What a load of nonsense.

It is not better for a child for parents to stay together at all costs.

Nor should anyone wait until their children are adults to date.

OP didn't end that marriage. The OM did.

The amount of times he has said I'm damaged, broken, difficult, that I don't like a man telling me what to do, that I've never gotten over my parents divorce, that I'm a 'shit wife' (in those words.) I am fiesty and I argue back and he hates that.

This isn't love and I wonder why you think it is.

Divorce and just be single and focus on raising your kids.
A relationship with some cheating shit of a man is not going to bring security and happiness, obviously, so no need to seek out misery by keeping in touch with the cheater.

Forest Gump might have said that life is like a box of chocolates but you can’t treat people like that, leaving them all sitting in the box whilst you wonder at your leisure whether the orange fondant is better than the strawberry cream.
Your post is about your happiness. You ponder your dilemma whilst three other people are kept dangling, their happiness hardly rates a mention.
Did OM leave his marriage because you led him to believe you would do the same and join him?
Does your husband think that you have ended the affair and presumably got told after he found out, that you agreed to end it in order try again with him at least until the end of your daughter’s school year?
I can’t imagine anyone agreeing to try to reconcile and try again without the bare minimum understanding that during that period you are not contacting your affair partner and that you are all-in working hard to fix the marriage?
People in affairs get laser focused on two things: themselves and the affair. This post screams that.
You have the OM exactly where you wanted him, sat waiting for you having dumped his wife, you have your husband exactly where you want him, knowing about your infidelity but not kicking you out and willing to try again.
Afterwards both of them will know that neither of them were important enough to you, whatever you told them, for you to be able to make a clear choice. They will know that they were names at the top of a ‘pros and cons’ list.
The OM isn’t perfect because nobody is. His wife didn’t fail at their marriage unilaterally, maybe she didn’t fail at all. He most certainly did, he had an affair. The reality is that you have no idea what he’s really like yet, you only know the affair version of him, which is him on his best behaviour doing everything he can to maintain the affair. He doesn’t know what you’re really like either, and I’d wager he wouldn’t like to hear how much you like cuddling your husband in bed. The longer this goes on your ambivalence will wake him up to how you really feel.
You need a new relationship like a hole in the head and you need to move away from the affair and see the reality of the big picture without the Romeo and Juliet stuff of the affair clouding everything.
Take the focus away from OM and yourself and decide what love really is. It isn’t using men to maintain the status quo for you and not rock your boat whilst you make your selection. You are not acting in a loving way towards either of them. Words are cheap but love is shown through actions.
Life is not black and white, no, there are other things pressing on making a decision. But the decision to stay or go is black and white and you need to make that decision in fairness to others. You don’t really love OM if you’re not sure you want to leave your marriage. You might still love your husband but you’re not treating him as if you do.
You love your daughter, so prioritise her happiness. She has no choices in what happens, where she lives next, who leaves or enters her life. If her family is broken up the last thing she needs is another man on the scene. She carries no responsibility or blame for any of this. Whatever you do, put her before yourself.
It is totally unfair meanwhile to keep everyone else in the dark and expecting them to keep their lives on hold for you.
Be honest and plan for the consequences.

Well that all sounds very romantic but at the end of the day you made a promise to your husband on your wedding day. You don't deserve him. If it was him posting on mumsnet, everyone would urge him to leave you.

I ended my marriage not on an affair but because I'd begun to have strong feelings for someone else. My marriage was really terrible too. What I learnt is that the two events are not as related as they feel in the moment. The lover (who I got together with after) doesn't 'replace' the husband in any way. It's a different order of things. You lose / end the big security structure, the shared finances, etc. and yes, you gain someone to have good sex and discuss books with.

I have someone to have good sex and discuss books with now, but apart from that I am totally alone. It took ages to grieve the shock of ending the marriage, deal with the kids, etc. The lover (who I've had for two and a half years now) is a kind of trifle at the side. I'm still lonely, single mum. He's a good match for me, but only that fun part of me you describe, and the majority of the time is not spent being that me: I still have to be the tired, worn down mum sacrificing her needs for the family and so on. Once you've got kids it just is like that.

So my vote is get divorced, but know the new boyf is not going to plug the marriage-shaped hole.

Your marriage sounds dreadful. I was in a longvtern relationship in my 20s and I didn't leave for all the same type of reasons, I loved him, I loved many aspects of his character, the in jokes, his family, the familiarity, the shared history, similar outlooks on many things, similar interests, shared friends and so on and so forth, little things he would do for me to be kind, I didnt want to break his heart. But it was a dreadful relationship and I was deeply unhappy and so lonely. I was very sad for a very short amount of time when we did spilt but I was fine very quickly, and relieved. It is a wonder to me that I didn't miss him at all and still don't many years later, and I look back and think I was a fool for staying for so long.

Put the whole OM to one side, be on your own and decide what you want. You are weighing up pros and cons of both and I think that means neither of them are right for you. The OM might be something, he might not. But your marriage is not healthy, affair aside, and you should get out.

Well you can't have your cake and eat it as they say..
if you are really unhappy in your marriage then leave and sort your head out
What really struck me in your OP was that you would miss 'cuddling your DH in bed' I think if things were really so bad you wouldn't still be doing that

I know that if I decide to make things work with H, I will have to cut off OM.

So you haven't yet? Jesus. Unfortunately in this instance, your H was right about you being a shit wife - you're trying to play both sides and hope you come out on either winning, but that's not how it works.

You can't have both - stability, a long history, shared finances, all that your marriage brings, and the excitement and novelty of an affair. And the affair partner won't bring you that after a time, either. I'm not saying you should stay in your marriage - frankly it sounds like it's run its course - but you can't keep hoping you'll suddenly spring a better version out of your marriage while you've still got an affair partner waiting in the wings.

Amazes me how people can feel its ok to have affairs and explode other peoples lives as long as they are "in love".
Leave your H, decide how best to manage things while putting your DD first every time and be single for a bit.
As for your affair partner being an absolute paragon I doubt the woman he left (and kids if there are any) would agree.

This

Your marriage sounds like it has come to an end to be honest. Probably only loyalty and your child keeping you there now.

if you truly love the other man then go for it but make sure you make that work!

If you try again you will only feel like this again in a few years. The trying always stops and marriages and the people in them revert to what they are.

I'd leave for the OM. You don't even fancy your DH, which means the relationship has no legs. I'd take up your Mum's offer of the property and take it slowly with OM.

I left my H of 20 years. I didn't have OM, however, I did meet my now DH only 8 weeks later. We are still together and very happy, 16 years later. I can hardly remember my first H now, what I liked about him, or any joy we had. It's like my relationship with DH has over written all my memories.

If you truly loved your DH, you would never have strayed. I'd take this as a wake up call. OM won't wait forever either.

If someone else had to make this decision for you, what would you be secretly hoping they would make you do? Therein often lies the answer.

Your affair started just over a year ago and yet this man left his wife for you and has been waiting a year? I am not very sure why you involved yourself in this affair at all because it seems that you have chosen to remain with your husband and leave this affair guy dangling for quite some time. This doesn't really suggest "undying love" to me. It's more of a "I kind of like you" vibe.
Honestly, I agree with the comments made about either putting all and everything into the marriage to see if it can survive this (I don't know when or why your husband made comments about you being a "shit wife" but if you were off out all the time having your affair he may have suspected something was up which caused the comments without direct accusation?) OR just be by yourself without either man and work on yourself and your child. All the best.

Either go to couples counselling with your husband, to try and unpick your relationship and get it back on track. Or move out with your children and forge a life on your own. Never leave a relationship for another, it rarely works. You don't know the OM properly, because you don't live together. You have created a fantasy in your head, based on all his good qualities, and think you'll have a perfect relationship, compared to the current state of your marriage. The OM hasn't had the chance to show you his flaws yet, because you're in the 'loved up' phase.

It really isn't going to be an easier path staying. Those arguments you have, will likely get worse and he now has more ammunition for personal attacks. That he says you "don't like a man telling you what to do" shows his flaws up - of course you don't, most women wouldn't, what a terrible attitude he has.
The connection you describe to your H sounds more like habit, nostalgia and fear of change. He is going to use this even more to get you to do his bidding. I don't see how you can get intimacy back.
Less people don't get hurt by staying, your DH is already hurt, your OM will get hurt, your DC doesn't have much connection with her father, and would be growing up in a family that has problems- she's probably heard your arguments, even if you think she hasn't.
I don't get your OM putting his living and career on hold while he waits, why would you need to move? Is your mother's rental a distance away? If it is, then find another path to leave. You should aim to sell the family home - either your DH buys you out, or you both take half of equity then rent or buy going forwards. You should aim to stay in the area if you want minimal disruption to your DC.
Meanwhile, as far as OM goes, you should sort your divorce and family arrangements out and focus on that only. It's up to him if he wants to wait, or reconnect after divorce. He can at least stop putting his career on hold.

I've read all the replies so far and I have to say this is the one that still shines out.

Maybe you feel it and haven't expressed it in your OP but there is absolutely zero reflection on the harm that your (and OM's) choices will have on your child, on his wife/ kids. I'd never judge anyone for deciding their marriage was over, it's sad but it happens. Knowingly having an affair is both cowardly and selfish. End your marriage, and try to recognise that your OM will unlikely to ever be able to trust you- given that the last year with him has been built on you lying to your DH. Hardly the grounds for a lasting healthy relationship.

Absolutely. Clearly your marriage vows didn't mean very much. All I read was self indulgent nonsense about the grass being greener on the other side. What a mess.

Look, your marriage is finished. Your better on your own, at least that's honest

Time for the truth, I think.

It is not better for a child for parents to stay together at all costs.

I agree... which is why I didn't suggest the OP stays with her husband at all costs. That came from your head, I'm afraid.

I disagree on your second point: I know plenty of people who have made terrible dating choices which have affected their young children.

OP I am sorry but your marriage ended the day you chose to have the affair.

If you stay with your DH both of you will need to start over. Forget what was, and start over if that is what you both want.

Cuddling at night is not a marriage, its a comfort blanket for you.

What you have created is a situation you want to work out for you, as your post is very self serving. I get you need financial security, but your DH deserves a partner that gives him security within the marriage. He may have short comings, which have made you justify why you need the OM.

Tell me, if your DH told you he had been seeing a woman for a whole year, and he loves what she does for him, is kind, the sex is electrifying and he did her garden, what would you feel? Would you not feel insecure? Let down?

Look up trauma bonding before you do anything else as it sounds like something has happened for you to decide this is what everyone deserves now, your DC, your DH and the OM.

Also, if you decide to restart your marriage, and if at some point your DH has been verbally abusive to you prior to knowing about your affair, he is likely to escalate things as he will feel justified in treating you worse as a result.

Keep that in mind. It may not happen right away, but this is an ego killer for your DH and he will resent you. If he was verbally exsplosive in the past, ignoring your needs, then I would also say that is a red flag behaviour, but does not justify you sharing yourself on every level with someone else.

There is a small child involved. Who undoubtedly deserves better. OP your moral compass is well and truly broken. Where is your moral code.