Would you allow contact on Christmas Day?

[OneHardyMintZebra]

Just come out of lengthy private proceedings for child access with my ex who has been granted 6 hours every other weekend which is supervised by his mother because of his ‘medical condition’. He was emotionally abusive and controlling when we were together to the point where I fled with my kids and I’ve lost everything- house, belongings, money etc. It’s been a struggle to start from scratch by myself with 3 kids and he continues to make my life hell and doesn’t contribute a penny towards the kids even though he works full time (tried child maintenance but he still doesn’t pay!)

So he and his mum have asked to see the kids on Christmas Day. I’ve said no. Their contact will fall the weekend after Christmas. I initially said I would bring them Boxing Day which I still think is me being far too nice given everything that they’ve done! She said she’s working and asked for Christmas Eve stating it’s only fair if I’m not allowing them to come on Christmas Day. I’m tempted just to say you can’t have them at all and just stick with the agreed contact which is either a Saturday or Sunday. I know full well when their contact weekend falls on Christmas they will ask them for Christmas Day then and I’ll have no choice so I don’t feel I should have to do it now.
AIBU? I can’t tell if it’s my emotions ruling my decision here. For further context my oldest child isn’t his and I don’t want to have to ferry him about during the time over Christmas I have him, or him to have anything to do with the contact as he was physically hurt by my ex and I don’t believe he should have to see the man again where possible (the court didn’t agree and said he could stay in the car!) what would you do?

They are now only 20 months old and just turned 3.

Sorry OP can't offer any advice but I am disgusted that overnight visits to an abusive dad have been court ordered for kids as young as this. Stay strong. As others have said keep a record of every time they don't turn up, say they can't stick to the agreed arrangements, all of that. Hope you have a nice Christmas day together at least.

I would offer Boxing Day. As well as the good arguments given by other posters, if he kicks off on Christmas Eve, he has potential to ruin your whole Christmas. If you see him on Boxing Day, then you still get a nice Christmas with your children.

The kids are too small to care. Stick to the contact order terms exactly. Ask yourself if he would do this for you. No? Then don't. If he wants access at Christmas he can apply for it.

This.
He's a horror who doesn't pay a penny towards his children.
I wouldn't.

Fuck the pair of them. They sound awful. Stick to the schedule and don’t give it a second thought. The moral high ground is overrated.

Absolutely not. What would have been fair is for you not having been abused and needing to flee with the children.

Their audacity is astounding. Stick to your boundaries and they’ll get used to it at some point.

Don’t do this. Stick to your court ordered arrangement. If you start to bend they may ask more & more. Strict boundaries and that’s that.

I really wasn’t. But everything their father has done to me affects his kids so I view it to be related anyway.
So even if I didn’t have concerns of physical abuse to the kids, I feel being abusive in general still impacts on them. I would hope everyone should be aware of the impact of domestic abuse on kids.
He has to be supervised because he cannot regulate his emotions and views it as perfectly acceptable to shout abuse with his kids present. His mum would do nothing to stop it and blindly supports him so my opinion is they are not (at the very least) emotionally safe in their care. But I’m doing this because I have no choice not because I believe the children are better off seeing their father. I don’t say that lightly.
I believe my 3 year old is autistic, either way he is non verbal and obviously my youngest can’t yet talk. But when’s he’s old enough I will ask him what he wants. On observation I would say they don’t enjoy contact but at least they are hysterical anymore which my youngest was for quite some time. But they don’t present as happy at handover either in comparison to say with other people or even when they go to nursery. And my 3 year old often tries to hide behind me. So again I’m not convinced this is the best thing for them. So please don’t presume I’m doing this to be spiteful.

I did also ask in my original post…what is best for the children’s relationship with their father and grandmother?

This allows for mum to make the decision if the children can’t.

You seem to think I have an opinion on when they should see him. I don’t. I offered an opinion that mum should look at it from the POV of the child parent relationship rather than the warring exes relationship.

I was a child of domestic abuse so know exactly how it affects children. I also know it’s not for one parent to decide how I should feel about the abusive parent.

It’s a complex position to be in and they should have as normal a relationship as possible while they work out how they feel. If they aren’t enjoying contact, that tells you a lot about how they are feeling.

I’m sorry for that and I appreciate your take on it. I agree that when the children are old enough they should be able to decide what contact they want but they are years away from that.
However I fully believe that if there is a risk to them then it is a parents job to protect them from that even if the child wants contact. I don’t think a relationship with an abusive man should be ‘normal’ unless he can show that he won’t display those behaviours when he has the children. Right now I can’t say whether contact is positive or not which makes it difficult

But thank you for everyone’s replies. I will think on it