Partner wants to seperate but continues like normal.

[ChirpyLimeAnt]

Hi All.

After a bit of advice or other peoples opinions as I keep running through things in my head and feel so lost and confused. Our friends are mutual so its hard to talk to anyone in person.

My husband of 13 years said he wants to seperate. It hasn't been great the last few years or so since having kids (6 year old, 3 year old and 8 month old). He says my focus is on them too much (and not him). Sadly his attention is never on them so i never get a break. We have been on auto pilot for so long and lacked prioritizing each other. We haven't been intimate for a long time. I often end up in one of the kids rooms at night when they wake. We do get into arguments, then silent treatment and things never get fully resolved.

He doesn't do a lot for the kids - he can spend an hour with them and then is done. He hasn't done a night time waking with the baby, fed them dinner, bathed them or put them to bed or taken them out on the weekend. I haven't been alone by myself since the baby arrived.

Now he tells me he is done coming last and not getting any attention. I did suggest we could try being better together, communicating better, prioritizing each other but he hasn't once changed his position and that i'm to blame and caused this. I do love him and hate the idea of the family being broken but i sometimes feel like i'm ignoring the hurt he has caused me over the years and now it's like im begging which i dont understand why i am. If he replies he has real personal digs about me which implies he doesn't even want to know me, be around me, talk to me. He has always got nasty with his words in arguments - never about the problem, always personal attacks.

Its been weeks since he said it. We still live in the same house. The kids think everything is 'fine'. He ignores me mostly just very basic conversion. He just goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, watches tv and goes to bed. Theres things that need to be done if we aren't going to fix it but he ignores my attempts to talk. I feel so stuck. He has made multiple comments at the start that he knows he will be losing his 'partner', kids, pets, house and still says its all my fault.

I know i need to start believing what he is saying, stop trying to fix something he doesn't want to and start focusing on me and the kids. I just dont know how.

Thanks for reading :)

Ask him to leave after Xmas. He has imprisoned your mind and body and now he is trying to suck out your soul.

He wants a zombie wife who answers and ponders to him only.

The kids you had with him are just an accessory to him.

Escape. ASAP.

I can relate to some of what you have said. If your DH doesn’t help with DC then you have to do it all on your own which leads to no time for you & certainly no time for you to be a couple. The key thing here is you are not to blame. If he’d helped you’d have more time & be less exhausted and resentful.
Could you ask him to leave? I’m sure you don’t want to really but this limbo must be hell.
Alternatively could you try counselling. Even if he does agree to go it may not change his mind on the situation.
Sending hugs.

I’d give him a choice between:

Do marriage counselling weekly, really engage in fixing things

Move out

And I’d give him a week or two deadline to make a choice. Things aren’t going to improve with him behaving like this, and you don’t want it dragging on for months.

Kick this man child out.

Thats what I’d do.

if you are inclined to try and make it work you could point out that you have no time ‘for him’ because you are run ragged with 3 kids. You could try to put together schedule that allows you a little breathing space and also gives you time as a couple. He doesn’t sound like he’s trying to fix things though, so making progress could be tough.

He needs to understand that at this time in your lives, his needs don’t come first.

You sound like a single parent already, and like he’s giving you nothing. So the only question is how to navigate what life is going to look like financially with 3 kids - how will you support yourself ? Id be starting to get my ducks in a row, go get some advice? I appreciate how hard that will be when you are the primary carer but even though it should be you leaving him, it sounds like it may not be up to you so I’d switch to survival mode and be working out how separation is going to look in terms of housing and £££

He sounds like a terrible husband and father @ChirpyLimeAnt . I think you need to take some control and start planning foe a separation.

Is there anything stopping you issuing a divorce petition online? He's told you he's unhappy and wants out but has done nothing about it, presumably the same way he wanted children but has next to no involvement with them. You know he won't do any better than he is now so just grab the bull by the horns and get the process moving. You don't need to wait on him. However make sure that first you have copies of all the family financial info, salary slips, pensions, mortgage, bank account info, passports (yours and kids). Go and see a solicitor for a preliminary consultation to see where you stand going forward.

Why do you love him? He's needy. He doesn't treat you well. He leaves you to do everything and he has no interest in your kids. What's to love about that?

Call his bluff. He wants to separate so show him the door.

You are in an abusive relationship. He will not change. Please speak to women’s aid or your local equivalent.

He is leaving you to do all the childcare but still expects intimacy.
The silent treatment.
The personal attacks during arguments.
I’m sure there is more you haven’t mentioned.

Your life will be better without him.

Also try the book - Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

Does your DH not realise that he is 50% responsible for why there are 3 kids that are apparently 'taking the attention' from him?? He is being very selfish and silly. If he actually helped out more then you would have more time for him!

Time to take control. Tell him you will starting a divorce, find out what benefits you might be entitled to and look at CMS. Stop letting him muck you about.

He is vile to you OP. Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is normal?

It sounds like both of you have different expectations about parenting whereby he is happy to leave the work to you and you want the work to be shared more fairly. Unless he is willing to step up more, neither of you are likely to be happy in the relationship. You will resent having to do the work, and he will resent you for objecting to this.

His take might be - for 6 years this is how the family has operated and as you have had 2 more children after this being how it's been since the first, you don't mind as much as you say you do.

Your take might be - you thought that over time he would up his game and he would see reason about how unfair things are.

With this in mind, and if you don't want to be in a relationship with a man who is happy not to play an equal part in family life, it boils down to whether or not he will step up.

Id quietly use this time to prepare for him leaving. Speak to a solicitor, gather up financial info, leave important documents you'll need at someones house, etc. So you can get the divorce moving when you are ready for it.

Are you still cooking for him and doing his laundry? He's told you he doesn't want you to be his wife, so stop.

Men like this are such utter failures.

He is angry that your prioritise your three very small children over him? Children he has absolutely no interest in and does nothing for?

He’s an embarrassment.

Tell him to leave. Take control before he rewrites history.

He's a disgrace.

Youve decided to have 3 children together, which comes with huge responsibilities and time commitments. He chose to have these children with you and should have known the responsibility involved.

But he hasn't stepped up to accept any responsibility, hasn't spent any time rearing them, essentially leaving you as a single parent... and then has the audacity to tell you you don't prioritise him?

He's disgusting, you're a single parent already so just tell him you want to proceed with the separation. Your kids are young, they'll adapt, and your single parenting already so why would you try to salvage this 'relationship'?

I want you to get up tomorrow morning, and go about your day happy and humming.

Chuck in a few “when are you leaving” comments.

Start working out at home, or if you can get to a gym. Get your hair and nails done.

Show him that now your marriage is over, you’ve been set free, released and you are happier.

Take your kids out, have a lovely time, come back laughing.

Also get your ducks in a row.

He’ll shit himself if he sees you thriving.

I’m so angry reading his comments, a good partner/DH should help out with childcare without asking. I’m sorry but I couldn’t be with someone who solely blames his wife when everything is not going his way. I would tell him, he’s not the husband you expected him to be either.

This is good advice.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job looking after 3 children. He sounds like he has checked out of family life which is so unfair on you. You seemed switched on enough to know that If you've got an 8month old and he isn't being hands on your not going to have the energy to focus on him. Doesn't sound like he cares about you so you will be better off without him. I have a 2 and 3 year old and my husband works full-time and still does his fair share of school runs, bedtimes and weekend trips and I'd expect no less. He.will also have kids if I want to go for a swim or catch up with friends. I think it's fair to expect similar x

Was he such a great hands in father with your first DC, that 2 more would make the situation better? Can't get why you had more if he was such a loser the first time round? It gets worse for each DC he rejects, and harder for you. Why love a man like that? What does he do that makes you feel loved?
You need to deal with the situation you are now facing, so it's time to get practical and proactive rather than thinking with your heart. Do you work, on mat leave, or SAHM? It's good you are married, being the primary carer for 3 DC's, you will be entitled to at least half of assets and CM payments off him, as he's not realistically going to be wanting 50/50 childcare.
Don't let him heap all the blame on you, he is 50% responsible for creating the DC's. He is 100% responsible for leaving their care all to you so you have no time for him. You can't magic up exta hours in the day and the energy for him when he's given you nothing in return. If he wanted attention, he needed to give his DC's and housework attention so that you'd have the time and energy.
I'm not surprised you've not been intimate for a long time. The resentment of his uninvolvement should of killed his attraction. I would not have wanted to go near him without a vasectomy.

This.
Are you still cooking for him and doing his laundry?
You can't reason with this type of entitlement. You'll look back and realise it was an absolute gift to you that he's the one that said he wanted to separate. By getting the wheels in motion you'll just be 'doing as he asked' so he can't paint you as the bad guy that kicked him out out of the blue. You can do this.