Partner wants to seperate but continues like normal.

[ChirpyLimeAnt]

Hi All.

After a bit of advice or other peoples opinions as I keep running through things in my head and feel so lost and confused. Our friends are mutual so its hard to talk to anyone in person.

My husband of 13 years said he wants to seperate. It hasn't been great the last few years or so since having kids (6 year old, 3 year old and 8 month old). He says my focus is on them too much (and not him). Sadly his attention is never on them so i never get a break. We have been on auto pilot for so long and lacked prioritizing each other. We haven't been intimate for a long time. I often end up in one of the kids rooms at night when they wake. We do get into arguments, then silent treatment and things never get fully resolved.

He doesn't do a lot for the kids - he can spend an hour with them and then is done. He hasn't done a night time waking with the baby, fed them dinner, bathed them or put them to bed or taken them out on the weekend. I haven't been alone by myself since the baby arrived.

Now he tells me he is done coming last and not getting any attention. I did suggest we could try being better together, communicating better, prioritizing each other but he hasn't once changed his position and that i'm to blame and caused this. I do love him and hate the idea of the family being broken but i sometimes feel like i'm ignoring the hurt he has caused me over the years and now it's like im begging which i dont understand why i am. If he replies he has real personal digs about me which implies he doesn't even want to know me, be around me, talk to me. He has always got nasty with his words in arguments - never about the problem, always personal attacks.

Its been weeks since he said it. We still live in the same house. The kids think everything is 'fine'. He ignores me mostly just very basic conversion. He just goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, watches tv and goes to bed. Theres things that need to be done if we aren't going to fix it but he ignores my attempts to talk. I feel so stuck. He has made multiple comments at the start that he knows he will be losing his 'partner', kids, pets, house and still says its all my fault.

I know i need to start believing what he is saying, stop trying to fix something he doesn't want to and start focusing on me and the kids. I just dont know how.

Thanks for reading :)

He doesn’t “help” with the children? They are his children so he should be pulling his finger out of his arse and be hands on. Then he is threatening to leave because he isn’t “prioritised”!!
Read back your first post and look for the good in him, and a reason to stay.
you would do much better out of this relationship, please go and see a solicitor.

This was my life, I left a year ago and my only regret was not doing it sooner. My life is so much easier, I'm happier, I'm not lonely anymore, despite being alone. The resentment of their lack of responsibility will only build, if he won't change, it will just get worse.

Also, please don't underestimate what your children know. You think they don't but believe me they are so intuative. My son is 6 and I was blown away by his insight of our marriage when the dust settled and he processed it and began to talk to me about life before. They know so much more than you think! Show them how life should be, don't stay because you think they haven't got a clue.

Stop any wife work now. No washing or meals AT ALL.
Just sort you and the kids out for food and clean clothes.
Kick him out right now and take legal advice. It is expensive. Pay it. Find a way. Borrow from family if you need to. You are protecting your future and that of your kids.
Bear in mind this is a long marriage with kids, years spent together in any shared house before marriage also count in the eyes of the law. You should be entitled to 50% of all assets. More if the kids are with you mostly.
Don't assume 50/50 childcare is the default unless it suits you.
He will have another woman in the wings.

Yes I couldn’t help reading Ops description of his behaviour as potentially him just giving excuses to himself to justify cheating / using sex workers.

What a selfish prick he is, making you do everything for three young kids then having the gall to complain you don't have energy left for him!!

If I were you I would say ok great let's start now and divide it 50/50 so take turns doing EVERYTHING for all children each evening (not baby if breastfed you can feed but he has to do dinner bath and tidying up).

Let him get a taste of separated life. And you use those free evenings to pamper yourself, relax, go to yoga, put on red lipstick and go to a bar with friends.

I think he will come crawling back once you've had a glow up but you won't want him x

You can't make someone move out of the marital home it's half his

I would spend tomorrow making out a chart for who has the children and when. Go out and get a break, even if it's for a coffee and sitting in a car park for an hour or so. And ask about when he has 50/50 after the separation.

They are not playthings that he can pick up and put down when it suits him. And don't enable him to think that they are. You need to toughen up, even though this is hurting you. Stop cooking, cleaning and doing his washing. He doesn't want to be married so he doesn't get housemaid privileges.

What a big baby. You don’t need somebody this needy in your life. Tell him to move out.

He’s not checked out - he didn’t check in. He’s failed as a father and is failing as a husband. Spur him on to leave as your early Christmas present so you can all be happy.

When has he prioritised you??

He hasn't even prioritised his DC, only himself!

What a fucking man baby!! I'm angry on your behalf. How dare he behave like a fourth child. He should be supporting you with raising the children. They are still babies for god sake. Men and their fucking egos.