What is wrong with this man?!

[StupidStupidStupid101]

A man I've been seeing.

He blows hot and cold constantly. One minute he's attentive and showering me in compliments and saying how much he likes me, the next he is distant, doesn't want to see me and avoids me like the plague.

Then he comes back like he hasn't just done a 180.

He had mentioned having some "mental health" problems and finding relationships difficult sometimes so I've been patient with him as when we were together things were lovely.

I gently probed about what the mental health issues were but he didn't really elaborate and joked that it was "women".

It was only two days ago he was asking me to accompany him to a family party and meet his parents (I didn't go, I was ill). He was telling his siblings about me, telling them I was his girlfriend. He even video called me with his mum there to introduce us and get her to say hello etc.

That made me happy as I was starting to really like him a lot but the hot/cold behaviour had me questioning whether he was interested in me at all.

The next day, after all of that, crickets. I half expected him to back off a bit as there seems to be a pattern. If he's being particularly attentive/open what always follows is the period of him backing off.

I left him to it, assuming he'll come around again and he's just somebody with a fear of intimacy, but it feels more complex than that.

Today - he sent me a couple of blunt, short messages (two, three words) but wasn't interested in chatting beyond wanting to know whether the personal trainer I was going to have a training session with was a man.

It's a stark contrast to how he was two days ago, how can feelings change that quickly with no arguments?

I'm sitting here looking back and realising there were other red flags aside the hot/cold behaviour, although that in itself should have been enough for me to say sod this.

He has major trust issues without having any reason to have any, atleast with me.

When I'd be going out on the weekend he'd be asking exactly where I was going and who with.

When we were talking about my previous relationship he asked whether we'd ever hit each other (?!) when I hadn't indicated anything of the sort. It's almost like to him that would be normal behaviour.

Do you think he sounds like somebody who just struggles with his mental health or would all of this make you think he's a potential abuser?

I was feeling sad about how he has switched up on me again but now I'm starting to think he has probably done me a favour and I should take this opportunity to run like the wind.

Does any of this behaviour sound familiar?

What the hell is wrong with him?

I've NC.

He's an abuser. It really is a simple as that. They keep you engaged by the times when they are nice and attentive comma because if they were horrible all the time they would go no further than the first date with any woman. They know what they're doing it's probably worked with women before through trauma bonding. Or you could do is get out now never see him again never contact him again and move on

He sounds like a controlling twat who definitely could have the potential to be abusive.

Can you really be arsed with this shit? It print get better

I think you step away.
He won't make you happy. This is too much like hard work and huge potential to get abusive.

You look.for someone who makes you happy and enjoys you for being you.

One day, when you meet a nice, straightforward guy you doesn't play games, you will think, "thank fuck I didn't waste any more time with that guy who didn't treat me as I deserve".

Thank you, that's what my gut is telling me.

I was half trying to convince myself that he couldn't be like that because he has custody of his kids, but then I've read enough about the family court on here to know that doesn't mean anything.

I was thinking of making a Claires Law request but there isn't really much point if it's over is there? I'd be better placed directing that energy into finding out why I would put up with somebody like this in the first place 😕

It has driven me up the wall trying to figure out why he's behaving like that, like completely different people depending on what day it is.

He's either got another woman on the go or he's an abusive twat. Either way, not worth your time.

I don't understand why people try to work people out and analyse them. He's hot and cold, has a problem with women, is suspicious and controlling and has vague 'mental health problems'.

He's likely to get worse and this is meant to be the honeymoon period.

He's someone who doesn't want what you want, doesn't like or respect you like you like him, and who isn't any good for you. He isn't going to make you happy. Analysing him won't change that.

So many red flags.
Run, run, as fast as you can

I didn't think about another woman actually, it's possible. I know he was seeing somebody from tinder months ago.

What a mug I've been pandering to all of this mental health stuff if that is the case.

Run as fast as you can away from this man.

Run....... fast

It doesn't matter what his exact problem is. You recognise that this relationship is off.

In the bin with him. Nothing good will come of this, I can assure you.

If I'm being honest with myself then I think me analysing him and looking for excuses as to why he's like it is because I didn't want to admit to myself he wasn't that into me, because I was really into him.

After going cold and then coming back, I reasoned that he wouldn't be coming back if he didn't like me so therefore it must be his mental health.

I feel like a prize twat.

Thank you all.

Run.

He will have you falling over yourself to prove you can be trusted and it’s very likely he’ll be the one cheating on you - insecure men always do.

Hot and cold behaviour 🚩
Questioning if your PT is a man 🚩
Wanting to know who you’re out with 🚩
Love bombing and then discarding 🚩
Asking about violence in previous relationships 🚩

This man will destroy you. Seriously, run.

It’s not you, it’s him. That’s all you need to know.

He comes back because it strokes his ego and gives him the validation he so desperately craves. Men who are healthy and want to be with you would never risk doing anything to lose you.

Don’t analyse him, it will get you nowhere. You are not a rehabilitation centre for damaged men. Do not settle for this, you deserve more. Work on yourself so you don’t accept this shitty behaviour again, then go and be happy.

I already have been falling over myself to prove I can be trusted, so it was working 😔

Definitely love bombing and discarding. How did I not see that that's what it was?

I'm so annoyed with myself but glad I posted. Thank you!

Run away and fast. Leave all belongings behind and do not look back.

Then please enjoy your drama free life not having to live walking on eggshells.

Very wise words, thank you!

I will do exactly that.

Stay single for a while and look at the freedom programme online. It will help you understand why you’ve tolerated this and help you to raise your relationship bar and spot red flags.

Sad . But all true !

Ask me how I know…

Years wasted with an abusive, cheating dickhead because I ignored the very same red flags. Don’t be me OP.

Don't waste your time psychoanalysing and trying to understand him OP, trust me it'll get you nowhere - just walk away.

I’d like to share something with you, in the hope that it will give you some perspective.

There are major red flags. The two that stand out the most are, him going cold on you and asking if your personal trainer is a man, and saying his mental health problems are “women”

Theres one of two things going on here. Firstly he’s been around the block so many times that he’s caused himself damage, met some bad women who have done him wrong, and has now tarred all women with the same brush- this won’t get better. You will be judged always by the standard of those women, no matter how faithful you are.

secondly, he’s a lying, cheating, opportunist who believes any man that shows you attention, you’ll go for it, because he would with any woman who shows him any attention, or who he seduces without conscience.

I felt so incredibly sorry for my ex when he would do the love bombing, then coldly withdraw, throwing bizarre accusations at me, and I mean utterly bonkers and bizarre. He knew I had only been with one other guy my whole life, that I’d been voluntarily single for a decade and that nobody takes my fancy unless I have a deep emotional connection, you’d think my history would have made that clear, but no.

we go to a convention, a guy gives me my ticket, I politely say thank you, and then for four months I am accused of fancying this man, just because HE thought he was attractive. The stupidity of it seemed to elude him, and I was stupid to even engage with it. These types of situations continued, despite the fact that I am aloof with men, and there was nothing for him to “pick up on”. He was just deranged and damaged.

BUT

It turns out he was in fact a deceptive lying cheat, who talked to lots of other women behind my back, and fancied seemingly everyone in a skirt.

so, whichever category your guy falls under- damaged and will forever judge you by the standard of horrible women, or a lying projecting cheat, OR just abusing you to keep you on your toes and best behaviour- it’s unlikely to ever get better. If I saw these signs from a guy again earlier on, I’d cut my losses, because I know it gets so much worse