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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Opinions please long post

36 replies

Anniecel · 18/11/2024 19:04

Heartbroken mug.
Not sure if.i need advice, encouragement or just to.know.that I'm not.going mad but here's the situation any comments gratefully received.
I'm 44 he was 27 we've been together almost two and a half years, lots happened which ended up.with family and friends hating him after he sent messages to my eldest son brother and nest friend from a Facebook account he said he never had. Anyway over the time I was with him I found condoms and lube in his car (we didn't use them) he gave me.some.poor.exxuse.of them.being transferred from his.old car when he crashed it but what were they doing in his old car even ? And he didn't get the new one straight away anyway ! Then he crashed the 2nd car ...woman stood beside him in pics he sent with what looked like.his.coat around her shoulders I thought maybe work colleague as he was on hisnway home.but i questioned it he denied having anyone with him .......but the passenger airbags went off in the car. Then I found viagra pills....I mean he's 27 ffs and he lied about when he got.them.said a month before but I found a.prescribed pack from 3 months before and there were more missing than the amount of times he had seen me. Every time I questioned him.about any of these things I was made to feel like I was in the wrong how dare I accuse him. Recently he was invited round he said he had football that morning and if he wasn't injured he would come.after .....on the day he was conveniently injured ....and everything else was more important than seeing me that whole.weekend he made excuses or was too tired but then could get dressed up.to go shopping, I got.upset and I asked him.if he was seeing someone else or if he even wanted to be with me. He went off of one how dare I call him names (I didnt) or accuse him when I knew where he was 24/7 .....admittedly he video called me all the time and always told me.where he was ....that doesn't mean he wasn't lying though ......I apologised and said I just felt like he had made up.his mind he wasn't coming over before the weekend had even arrived . He had a go at me and basically said he didn't feel anything towards me at that moment after he read my message to him. (He always told me he loved me , he persued the relationship with me in the first place). I sent him.a message telling him I love him and he said he didn't feel that right now. It cut me.to the core I gave everything to this man risked relationships.with my.kids and friends for.him.
Now things have started to settle.a bit and I sit back and look.at it .......
Two and a.half years .....I never met his mum or siblings or friends, he would never answer phone calls when he was with me....I never even knew the street he lived in never went to his house ...I only ever met his dad cos.we.used to meet up at his house once a week !!
Am I in the wrong for accusing him? Is it in my head or are the things I found as dodgy as I see them to be . He said he wanted a life.with me but I wasn't part of his life I was like some secret kept.on the sidelines .
He was muslim I don't know.if that makes any difference .

Long post sorry ....just lost right now.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 18/11/2024 19:07

So you not with him anymore, I take it?

Silvertulips · 18/11/2024 19:11

Read that again, it’s all about him isn’t it?

What were you getting out of this relationship? He was getting sex.

What do you want? Write a list, you deserve so much more.

Anniecel · 18/11/2024 19:17

vodkaredbullgirl · 18/11/2024 19:07

So you not with him anymore, I take it?

I've not spoken to him since he said he doesn't love me. So I guess not

OP posts:
Newstart2024 · 18/11/2024 19:17

He doesn’t sound nice at all and yes it definitely sounds like he was cheating and by now you should have met his friends and family he is just messing you around. The way he spoke to you and gaslighted you is horrible.

Stand up for yourself you shouldn’t be with a man that treats you like crap! Move on.

Anniecel · 18/11/2024 19:18

Silvertulips · 18/11/2024 19:11

Read that again, it’s all about him isn’t it?

What were you getting out of this relationship? He was getting sex.

What do you want? Write a list, you deserve so much more.

Crazy thing is we've split twice before last time.i started dating someone else and he persuaded me to give him.another chance

OP posts:
Anniecel · 18/11/2024 19:21

Newstart2024 · 18/11/2024 19:17

He doesn’t sound nice at all and yes it definitely sounds like he was cheating and by now you should have met his friends and family he is just messing you around. The way he spoke to you and gaslighted you is horrible.

Stand up for yourself you shouldn’t be with a man that treats you like crap! Move on.

I always thought I hadn't met them because of the age difference.
I'm trying and it's getting easier as days pass but I was made to feel like some crazy paranoid psycho it's just difficult . So much I want.to scream at him but I've gone no contact cos.it doesn't matter what I say he will never take accountability.

OP posts:
Anniecel · 18/11/2024 19:35

Also didn't message me for.5 days and when he finally did he told.me.his nephew had died and he was too upset and then making funeral plans so.didnt.have time to text me. I.pointed out it takes 2 minutes just to let me know what had happened and that he was OK..

OP posts:
ReturnoftheMe · 18/11/2024 19:36

Where did you meet him and how did this relationship come about considering the age gap? Sorry for the assumption but does he rely on you financially? Do you question his motives?
he sounds quite immature (or just like regular 27 year old), so what about him has had you drawn to him? What about as worth risking your relationships with family over? He sounds like a liar and a manipulator from your post. What do you even like about him?

Anniecel · 18/11/2024 19:43

ReturnoftheMe · 18/11/2024 19:36

Where did you meet him and how did this relationship come about considering the age gap? Sorry for the assumption but does he rely on you financially? Do you question his motives?
he sounds quite immature (or just like regular 27 year old), so what about him has had you drawn to him? What about as worth risking your relationships with family over? He sounds like a liar and a manipulator from your post. What do you even like about him?

When it was good with us it was really good, he was sweet and loving and caring and supportive and I loved being around him we laughed so much and just enjoyed being with each other. We met online it was meant to be a casual thing and was for a few months then he said he had feelings for me and wanted a relationship. He doesn't rely on me financially and we live over an hours drive away from each other he lives in his family home with his mum.and auntie.
I questioned things quite a lot as he's young and said henwanted marriage and kids well I can't give him kids but he said being with me was more important to him than children . That said he is muslim so the age difference not having kids and me being a white non Muslim wouldn't have gone down well with his faith or his mum .

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 18/11/2024 19:46

He’s cheating on you. He’s lying to you. He’s using you. He’s gaslighting you. He’s emotionally abusing you. He is future faking you. He’s not a nice guy. He’s putting your sexual health at risk. Please get an std check.

Well done for going no contact. Block him on phone, email, social media, etc. If he comes to your home don’t answer the door. If he won’t leave, call the police. He’s abusive. You need to get rid of him. This won’t get better. It will only get worse.

Have a read of this book. It will be very helpful.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Oh and get back to repairing you relationships with your children, family and friends. Focus on that. Forget about him. He’s a ratbag.

TipsyJoker · 18/11/2024 19:49

Anniecel · 18/11/2024 19:43

When it was good with us it was really good, he was sweet and loving and caring and supportive and I loved being around him we laughed so much and just enjoyed being with each other. We met online it was meant to be a casual thing and was for a few months then he said he had feelings for me and wanted a relationship. He doesn't rely on me financially and we live over an hours drive away from each other he lives in his family home with his mum.and auntie.
I questioned things quite a lot as he's young and said henwanted marriage and kids well I can't give him kids but he said being with me was more important to him than children . That said he is muslim so the age difference not having kids and me being a white non Muslim wouldn't have gone down well with his faith or his mum .

This is part of the cycle of abuse. Abusers are never abusive all the time. They are good some times, love bombing to keep you in the relationship. It’s not the real them. The real person is the bad one, the abuser. The nice one is a lie to keep you tied to them. Read that book. It will explain a lot.

Itiswhysofew · 18/11/2024 19:55

He sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Don't waste anymore energy on trying to work it out. Move on & find someone who treats you respectfullyFlowers

Worried8263839 · 18/11/2024 20:24

He's Muslim. The relationship has no future. It's not surprising you haven't met his family etc as the relationship would not be accepted. I would hazard a guess that they know nothing about you. You aren't a long term option for him, you are fun and someone to string along that is a safe enough distance away from his 'real' life to cause any issues. Please have more respect for yourself and see it for what it is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/11/2024 20:24

He love bombed and otherwise future faked you from the very beginning. He was never going to marry any woman outside his religion and he just was out for what he could get from you, a white non Muslim woman who he had no feelings for but could take advantage of.

Your boundaries perhaps already weakened have been further eroded by this individual. Do read the Lundy Bancroft book that has been recommended. I would also suggest you read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 18/11/2024 20:25

Even aside from his behaviour the age gap isn’t going to work.
If he is marrying within his faith and wanting children it isn’t going to work.
Even if he was decent the odds are already against you.
I felt sad reading your post as you clearly want someone to love. But this lying, abusive overgrown teenager is not worthy of yours.
Build bridges with your kids, family and friends and get your life back.
This man has been using you.

TwistedWonder · 18/11/2024 20:30

Sorry OP but a Muslim 17 years your junior was only ever going to be using you for sex biding his time until he gets married to someone of his own faith.

He probably already has a chosen wife, or maybe even already married, which is why you never met his family.

I definitely think you need to be single for a decent period of time and work on understanding why you tolerated being thrown a few crumbs.

Look into the freedom programme - that might help you to set your bar at a far higher level.

Just please don’t ever let this abusive twat back into your life.

NewGreenDuck · 18/11/2024 20:34

Sorry to be blunt, but really you were just a person he saw for a good time sexually. He will marry within his religion, he's probably already had an arranged marriage lined up. His parents would not want him to marry a much older, non Muslim woman. You need to block him, never contact him again and find ways to improve your life.

Anniecel · 18/11/2024 21:37

Thankyou all for your opinions and words of wisdom I know it will.never work the more I think about the things he did the more I.wonder where the hell the old.me.went cos I never would have accepted this behaviour before. I just needed to know.i wasn't going crazy . Much love thankyou for the support.

OP posts:
Anniecel · 18/11/2024 21:58

NewGreenDuck · 18/11/2024 20:34

Sorry to be blunt, but really you were just a person he saw for a good time sexually. He will marry within his religion, he's probably already had an arranged marriage lined up. His parents would not want him to marry a much older, non Muslim woman. You need to block him, never contact him again and find ways to improve your life.

His mum is muslim African but his dad is white British Christian

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 18/11/2024 22:26

you have VICTIM tattooed on your forehead .
get help to have it removed.
in the meantime, block and delete, have no contact, stay away.
what you’ve described is seriously unhealthy, what’s worrying is how you let yourself get used and manipulated. Please get some support to keep away and stop this happening.

Anniecel · 18/11/2024 22:40

Bittenonce · 18/11/2024 22:26

you have VICTIM tattooed on your forehead .
get help to have it removed.
in the meantime, block and delete, have no contact, stay away.
what you’ve described is seriously unhealthy, what’s worrying is how you let yourself get used and manipulated. Please get some support to keep away and stop this happening.

I have reached out to old friends who have been amazing and have helped a lot. I even went to see a.cou seller before when he kicked off .....he even turned up.outside my work once and took videos of himself there .....honestly what a psycho I feel as though I've been in a box watching all of this happen and not strong enough to break away because of how I felt.

Not any more !!

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 18/11/2024 22:58

Ii can’t believe you thought a relationship with a 27 year old lad was a good idea? Sorry you’re hurting but look for somebody more your age !

Anniecel · 19/11/2024 00:21

SunflowerTed · 18/11/2024 22:58

Ii can’t believe you thought a relationship with a 27 year old lad was a good idea? Sorry you’re hurting but look for somebody more your age !

I've been in relationships with older and my own age ......it wasn't about the age and he came across as quite mature most of the time. The post wasn't to do with the age gap just the behaviour in general .

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 19/11/2024 05:31

@Anniecel glad you’ve got friends around you. Keep them close now. And I’m also glad you see it’s not about age - it’s about him being a lying manipulator. Just give yourself some space and time, reach out of you need

Anniecel · 19/11/2024 12:23

TwistedWonder · 18/11/2024 20:30

Sorry OP but a Muslim 17 years your junior was only ever going to be using you for sex biding his time until he gets married to someone of his own faith.

He probably already has a chosen wife, or maybe even already married, which is why you never met his family.

I definitely think you need to be single for a decent period of time and work on understanding why you tolerated being thrown a few crumbs.

Look into the freedom programme - that might help you to set your bar at a far higher level.

Just please don’t ever let this abusive twat back into your life.

Edited

May I ask what is the freedom programme?

OP posts: