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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Opinions please long post

36 replies

Anniecel · 18/11/2024 19:04

Heartbroken mug.
Not sure if.i need advice, encouragement or just to.know.that I'm not.going mad but here's the situation any comments gratefully received.
I'm 44 he was 27 we've been together almost two and a half years, lots happened which ended up.with family and friends hating him after he sent messages to my eldest son brother and nest friend from a Facebook account he said he never had. Anyway over the time I was with him I found condoms and lube in his car (we didn't use them) he gave me.some.poor.exxuse.of them.being transferred from his.old car when he crashed it but what were they doing in his old car even ? And he didn't get the new one straight away anyway ! Then he crashed the 2nd car ...woman stood beside him in pics he sent with what looked like.his.coat around her shoulders I thought maybe work colleague as he was on hisnway home.but i questioned it he denied having anyone with him .......but the passenger airbags went off in the car. Then I found viagra pills....I mean he's 27 ffs and he lied about when he got.them.said a month before but I found a.prescribed pack from 3 months before and there were more missing than the amount of times he had seen me. Every time I questioned him.about any of these things I was made to feel like I was in the wrong how dare I accuse him. Recently he was invited round he said he had football that morning and if he wasn't injured he would come.after .....on the day he was conveniently injured ....and everything else was more important than seeing me that whole.weekend he made excuses or was too tired but then could get dressed up.to go shopping, I got.upset and I asked him.if he was seeing someone else or if he even wanted to be with me. He went off of one how dare I call him names (I didnt) or accuse him when I knew where he was 24/7 .....admittedly he video called me all the time and always told me.where he was ....that doesn't mean he wasn't lying though ......I apologised and said I just felt like he had made up.his mind he wasn't coming over before the weekend had even arrived . He had a go at me and basically said he didn't feel anything towards me at that moment after he read my message to him. (He always told me he loved me , he persued the relationship with me in the first place). I sent him.a message telling him I love him and he said he didn't feel that right now. It cut me.to the core I gave everything to this man risked relationships.with my.kids and friends for.him.
Now things have started to settle.a bit and I sit back and look.at it .......
Two and a.half years .....I never met his mum or siblings or friends, he would never answer phone calls when he was with me....I never even knew the street he lived in never went to his house ...I only ever met his dad cos.we.used to meet up at his house once a week !!
Am I in the wrong for accusing him? Is it in my head or are the things I found as dodgy as I see them to be . He said he wanted a life.with me but I wasn't part of his life I was like some secret kept.on the sidelines .
He was muslim I don't know.if that makes any difference .

Long post sorry ....just lost right now.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 19/11/2024 14:15

Anniecel · 19/11/2024 12:23

May I ask what is the freedom programme?

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

TipsyJoker · 19/11/2024 14:16

You should def look into getting some counselling around setting and maintaining boundaries and to explore why you accepted this treatment. It will help long term. The freedom programme will help you to spot bad behaviours and red flags in the future. It’s a great programme and well worth doing.

Lurkingandlearning · 19/11/2024 14:22

As he has kept you away from his friends and family and you don’t even know where he lives, to me it seems more likely that he is married than cheating on you in the usual sense.

That aside, he’s horrible and you can do so much better.

Anniecel · 19/11/2024 15:14

Thankyou

OP posts:
something2say · 19/11/2024 15:23

Hiya OP. I'm sorry to hear what's been going on. The main feedback I have for you is - that this just isn't good enough. You don't know that he loves you you, you don't trust him, he gaslights you, the lube etc. It's just not good enough.

Be careful how you spend the coin of your time because you won't get it back. This guy is too young even tho you say it isn't a factor. Even if he were great, it's too big of an age gap and one day he will go for a younger woman.

Just generally not high enough quality to be a forever relationship. Value yourself more, trust yourself more. I truly hope you find better. And that you enjoy the single stage before meeting that new person.

Anniecel · 19/11/2024 15:31

something2say · 19/11/2024 15:23

Hiya OP. I'm sorry to hear what's been going on. The main feedback I have for you is - that this just isn't good enough. You don't know that he loves you you, you don't trust him, he gaslights you, the lube etc. It's just not good enough.

Be careful how you spend the coin of your time because you won't get it back. This guy is too young even tho you say it isn't a factor. Even if he were great, it's too big of an age gap and one day he will go for a younger woman.

Just generally not high enough quality to be a forever relationship. Value yourself more, trust yourself more. I truly hope you find better. And that you enjoy the single stage before meeting that new person.

It was a concern that he would go for someone younger or who could give him.children etc but he insisted that wasn't the case.
Each time I had that gut feeling.something was going on and that's when I found the condoms etc but he always gave an explanation that I had to accept and he would.turn it.on me.get angry and upset that I had accused him.

OP posts:
something2say · 19/11/2024 15:42

So we will forget the age gap then.

What have you learned about your gut feelings now then?

And what have you learned about people who lie when the truth is plain to see, but they WILL not admit it? Can you be around them?

Let's say we assume he was lying. The lube and condoms were for sex with other people. He wanted to, he got them, he maybe used them, he did all sorts on his phone to arrange the sex, and then you found them and he lied to your face.

You knew the truth but he wouldn't admit it. You were stumped. He was quite happy with that as he got to carry on with you with no consequences.

Do you like such a person? Do you feel safe with them?

Anniecel · 19/11/2024 15:51

something2say · 19/11/2024 15:42

So we will forget the age gap then.

What have you learned about your gut feelings now then?

And what have you learned about people who lie when the truth is plain to see, but they WILL not admit it? Can you be around them?

Let's say we assume he was lying. The lube and condoms were for sex with other people. He wanted to, he got them, he maybe used them, he did all sorts on his phone to arrange the sex, and then you found them and he lied to your face.

You knew the truth but he wouldn't admit it. You were stumped. He was quite happy with that as he got to carry on with you with no consequences.

Do you like such a person? Do you feel safe with them?

How could I.....but because of how he reacted and promising he would never do that to me I just didn't see it i was always convincing myself I didn't have concrete evidence of cheating and let it slide then something.else would happen.
Don't get me wrong I.wasnt perfect I cheated on him after the condoms were found etc but he then used that as ammunition against me all the time ( how can you accuse me.of cheating when youre the master at it) .....but at least I was upfront about it held myself accountable and did everything I could and everything he asked to rebuild trust .
Just feel like I was blinded to it all.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 19/11/2024 15:54

Your poor kids - why would you ever risk your relationship with them

Anniecel · 19/11/2024 15:59

2024onwardsandup · 19/11/2024 15:54

Your poor kids - why would you ever risk your relationship with them

Was my eldest son who didn't approve........but doesn't approve of me seeing anyone says I shouldn't have boyfriends !!.
That's a whole.other story.

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 19/11/2024 17:53

It's blindingly obvious you were just a shag

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