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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What makes your partner lovely

80 replies

Winenot1 · 18/11/2024 18:59

Read a thread recently and noticed quite a few people saying their partners were lovely. Just wanted some examples or qualities of what makes your partner lovely? I think I'm in a pretty bad relationship and trying to gain some perspective that it's not normal so thinking these examples might help me!

OP posts:
Bedonkedonk · 19/11/2024 08:49

I love this thread! It is so heartwarming and rebalances all the threads about people having horrible/abusive/one sided relationships. Thanks for sharing - makes me feel hopeful. 😻

dontcryformeargentina · 19/11/2024 09:54

Reading this makes me want to be in a relationshipSmile

dogfishman · 19/11/2024 18:07

It makes me relieved not to be in one dontcryformeargentina. I'd never want to be selfish or abusive but I wouldn't want to be held to these exalted standards either, or to expect them of anyone else.

80s · 19/11/2024 19:49

dogfishman · 19/11/2024 18:07

It makes me relieved not to be in one dontcryformeargentina. I'd never want to be selfish or abusive but I wouldn't want to be held to these exalted standards either, or to expect them of anyone else.

It's a shame if (as it sounds) you see kind behaviour as being imposed from outside, and something you'd have to live up to, rather than just you being yourself and someone else liking it.

dogfishman · 19/11/2024 20:26

80s kind behaviour I support, and very much try to do it daily for my friends and colleagues. It's endless self sacrifice expecting nothing in return that I couldn't handle. Some of the posters on this thread are partnered to better more naive men than me.

Boyce · 19/11/2024 21:10

My husband is my best friend.
We have been together for 10 years. He has always been so kind to me and my daughter (a sulky teenager when we got together. She adores him!)
He is gentle, funny and kind. He loves people and I am always proud to watch his friendliness and respectful way with them.
He is very positive and interested in the world, and has always encouraged my hobbies and interests.
I have a very trying chronic illness and he is very patient with this. Now he isn't well either. So as ever we are having cuddles every day,and looking to get through the next bit together ❤️

aurynne · 19/11/2024 21:44

There are, and I didn't find mine until I deleted all my OLD accounts and got out and about doing what I love doing. He wasn't online. He doesn't even have Facebook, Instagram or any other social media account.

thesatsumabutter · 19/11/2024 21:50

He cooks, cleans, shops, organises everything🙂
Many more but I hate doing the above so…

LadyChilli · 19/11/2024 21:52

I hope that things improve for you OP.

My BF is lovely because he has an amazing ability to see things from the other persons perspective, which heads so many problems off at the pass. He's honest to a fault about his own motivations. We've not had a proper argument in 3 years. He does thoughtful things like remembering things I've mentioned in conversation and then fixing something or buying me a random unexpected gift. He's always at pains to be nice to other people too, serving staff, strangers in the street, his friends. He never says a bad word about anyone. He pays me compliments that hit me right in the heart, about the type of person he thinks I am, and always tells me he thinks I'm beautiful. I'd never have believed a man as good looking as him could be so decent to the very core.

Manchesteruser · 19/11/2024 23:32

He looked after me completely when I was bed bound for weeks - cooking, helping me shower, getting my medication, watching crap TV with me, did everything...

Realdeal1 · 20/11/2024 01:23

Mine is so patient and loving with me, but also with others. He works a great deal with the elderly/special needs and I'm always struck by how patient he is.

With me, completely doting, always puts 'us' first, regularly tells me I'm beautiful or loved and never ever shouts.

I'm also a survivor of abuse and wouldn't have even dreamt I'd meet someone like this who I can safely say how proud I am to be his partner.

Realdeal1 · 20/11/2024 01:30

justfindingmyway · 18/11/2024 22:02

How did you meet? I’m very newly single post calling off an engagement to a man very much the opposite of all of these lovely ones, so maybe I’m a tad pessimistic x

@justfindingmyway I met my partner after taking a few years off dating to focus on things that made me happy. This meant dressing how I wanted, seeing friends who made me happy, almost dating myself I'd say. I was perfectly happy to continue this way for the future. My DP is someone I dated years ago but no words of love were uttered/just fun at the time. He came back into my life at a point where we were both self sufficient, and it's brilliant. I'd certainly say date yourself for a while, hugely cathartic

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 20/11/2024 06:20

@Realdeal1 - that’s an excellent way of putting it! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

AlertCat · 20/11/2024 07:07

Mine listens when I say he is being unreasonable. He might not agree, but we’ll have a conversation where I feel heard.

He looks after me- he takes care of some really shite jobs around our home. He also takes a fair share of ordinary chores.

He wants to spend time with me. He’s affectionate and loving, and amazing in bed.

And this, most importantly: He has never, ever misled me or played games. He does what he says he’ll do and he doesn’t pretend things are not as they are.

I was on my own for half a decade before I met him and I would not have gone on with him if he hadn’t been the way he is, because I was content alone and knew it wasn’t worth the heartache or going back to that shredded-nerves state of the gaslighting and emotionally abusive relationship, so I really watched out for signs of this.

Incidentally, OP, I made a casual remark to a friend about him once and she said, “oh my god, you’ve never actually been in a relationship where [this completely normal thing] is standard, have you?” It blew my mind that other people got this stability as standard. I’m so glad I spent the time on my own or I could never have avoided another fuckwit.

MissTrip82 · 20/11/2024 07:13

He’s just really kind, to everybody.

In the past I had been with men who were kind to me, but not in general. Their kindness to me didn’t last. I was foolish to think it would.

With this man, I saw how kind he was when he didn’t gain anything from it. I liked him and trusted him long before I loved him.

twentysevendresses · 20/11/2024 07:40

My partner is now retired and I'm still working. Yesterday when it was really snowy, he got up and dressed early, went out and cleared the snow off my car and drove it round for a bit so I was already warmed up when I got in it! I didn't even know he'd done that...I was busy getting myself ready and thought he was still in bed. When I went down he'd made me coffee and a bacon sandwich 'to go' so I had 'something warm' and handed me my car keys. Wasn't until I got in the car that I realised what he'd done ❤️

These small kindnesses are what a good partner does. It goes without saying that if a man does these little things, then generally speaking you can guarantee that the bigger things are a dead cert. Look for the small things ladies...are they kind when no one is looking?

SpringleDingle · 20/11/2024 07:48

He is physically affectionate a lot (without expecting sex) and tells me how much he loves me, how gorgeous I am and how lucky he is all the time.
He does his fair share around the house.
He is kind, caring, interested and involved with the dog and my daughter.
He regularly make me a cuppa or does little things for me (e.g. carries the washing up) that make me feel cared for.
He always carries the heavy things so I don’t have to.
He shows an interest in my interests and we spend lots of time together doing things we both enjoy. He’d happily spend weekend doing anything I wanted to do just because he likes to see me happy.
He is generous in bed and enthusiastic without ever being pushy.
He is nice with my wider family, considerate and caring.
Mostly though he is understanding of my additional needs (I have ASD) and is endlessly patient when I need more time, loves my oddities and is just genuinely delighted he gets the pleasure of loving me and being loved by me.

SadieGreen · 20/11/2024 09:34

Winenot1 · 19/11/2024 06:55

So many nice responses, thanks all. Really shining a light on what I'm missing out on!

Me too 🥺

Hoplolly · 20/11/2024 09:38

Brings me a cup of tea in bed in the morning. Would literally do anything I asked of him - not in a walkover way - but because he doesn't consider anything too much bother to help me out. He's supportive of anything I want to do and he tells me I am beautiful or perfect every single day. (Even when I was 2 stone heavier and hated how I looked). He'd do anything, drop anything for his kids (only one is mine) and tries hard to prioritise us and our relationship.

HoundsMamma · 20/11/2024 09:46

It’s the same thing which attracted me to him in the first place, kindness & understanding. You need that and it’s served us well in nearly 30 yrs of marriage. I try to be kind & understanding in return.

Lovewine1975 · 20/11/2024 09:53

My DH is my best friend, my rock, I wouldn't ever be without him, we have been through a few bad things in our time together and he is an amazing support and gets us through. Fantastic dad to our DD probably spoils her a bit but nothing wrong with that now and again, she is the apple of his eye. Makes me coffee every morning, does most of the cooking and enjoys it! I met him when I was in a bit of a bad situation and pretty broken and he was my knight in shining armour and saved me, which I will never ever forget, he so very caring and loyal and I love him to bits, he makes me feel very loved and special.

80s · 20/11/2024 11:15

dogfishman · 19/11/2024 20:26

80s kind behaviour I support, and very much try to do it daily for my friends and colleagues. It's endless self sacrifice expecting nothing in return that I couldn't handle. Some of the posters on this thread are partnered to better more naive men than me.

I may be getting the wrong end of the stick, but I'm getting a vibe that you might have had a negative experience in the past and are trying to protect yourself by making sure you're not "naive"? Hope I'm wrong!
I can't say that any of the much-appreciated behaviours described above have struck me as self-sacrifice. And my thinking is that if nobody has described doing the same in return, it's because this thread is about appreciating partners, not praising ourselves.

Bluebellyhedge · 20/11/2024 12:30

It's very much a reciprocated thing @dogfishman .
But not transactional if that makes sense.

PopGoesTheProsecco · 20/11/2024 13:04

My DP is lovely.

He does his share of the household chores, has raised my children as his own since they were very little, cared for me through the worst of my Long Covid, really listens to me if I'm worried, and is a great laugh. Even doing the batch cooking together is fun with him.

He tells me I'm beautiful every day, buys me flowers all the time, brings me tea and toast before he goes to work. He's my best friend, we look out for each other and I couldn't be without him.

Maybe it's karma as my first husband was awful and left for the OW.

exhaustedmumof4 · 20/11/2024 13:13

I am in a fairly new relationship (around 4 months) after a long and fairly abusive marriage.

This weekend we went away together to a city I’d never been to and he knows well. He spent ages putting together an itinerary that he thought I’d love (and I did!) Unfortunately I got really ill at the weekend and he cancelled all the plans, losing money in the process, drove me to his house which was nearly 2 hours away, spent all weekend looking after me, made me hot drinks, cooked me food, paid for an emergency GP appointment and drove me half an hour to pick up the prescription, bought me a new train ticket as I was too ill to travel on the day I’d planned etc. Nobody has ever looked after me or made me feel as safe or cared for as he did this weekend.

Compare that to my STBXH, I recall an incident when I had a seizure at an event many years ago and got blue lighted to hospital in a city a couple of hours away from where we lived, I spent days having MRI and lumbar punctures, had no phone, no money and no clean clothes, I had to beg him to drive to pick me up when I was discharged and he spent the whole journey home yelling at me.

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