22 year old lost his way

[DoNotBringLulu]

I wasn't sure where to post this. I just don't know what to do if anything at all and I wonder if anyone else has a young adult at home similar to my 22 year old son.

I know his mood is very low but he is at home and ignores us. He said I have been chipping away at him for days and insulted him - I did call him miserable - then he shouted that I don't understand and he doesn't want to sit in front of the PC all day doing nothing but he can't make himself do anything - he hasn't even had a shower for about a week.

I said I am sorry for not understanding and he said he's sorry (he pushed me out of his room - I know it wasn't a good idea to get annoyed with him at the door of his room ☹️). But he announced he wasn't going to cook a simple meal to help out.

I probably should understand as he's suffered from low moods before. Now it's like he's bereaved. He won't see the Doctor or do counselling.

There are no other family to talk to him. He doesn't get on with his sister; she's away at uni and his beloved GPs have passed. My DM coming up for a year's anniversary since she died.

Things have fallen flat for him but since uni he has been travelling to NZ and had short term temporary jobs. No friends at home. He's been unable to get a job in his chosen field of work relating to his degree. Now he won't apply for graduate programmes as he says there are hundreds of applications.

I have hope that he will feel a bit better after starting a temporary job in a Warehouse in a couple of week's time and he did actually leave the house at 10pm last night for a walk, first time in a while. I've just suggested he finds another outlet other than work. He rejects every suggestion.

He won't help himself.

I don't know what to do.

A warehouse job is probably not necessary just to get him to work, but he should apply to something in relation to his job. He is right the trainee schemes get lots of applications, they take top candidates. What is the degree, as in what appropriate area?

He's tried, rejected each time with no interview. One interview as a lab technician but they gave him a test assembling equipment. He has struggles with his fine motor skills (he's dyspraxic) and didn't get it. Then the depression/low mood increased.

Degree is Environmental Science.

Thank you for the reply@coldcallerbaiter

My DD took a Christmas job in a department store. It helped to ah e somewhere to go, and filled the gap in employment. It is incredibly tough to get a first job after university if they haven't got a defined career in mind. Also voluntary work like working for Citizens Advice-they give training and can be a good source of experience. I do feel for you. I was lucky DD still had friends locally but was still low. The job applications are so hard - either too little experience, or over qualified. There are loads of aptitude tests online which can help in applications. Situational judgement tests, numerical, verbal, non verbal that can improve his chances of getting an interview in graduate recruitment posts. JobTestPrep is one SHL is another. There are a couple of free ones then you pay by the month for access to them. They did make a big difference.
I do understand the hardest thing is to spark some interest in doing anything, and I am at a loss on that I'm afraid. I just wanted to say you are doing all you can, it's disheartening I know and heartbreaking to watch when they are so depressed.

It's really hard. I think sit with him and say you understand what he's going through sad want to help. Can you ask him what he wants to do as in what food etc to buy/ prep, , watching tv together, go fir a walk and do some enjoyable things to start building something positive in his life,

Is he contributing to the bills? Is he on Universal Credit, if not working? A job coach is usually more effective at nagging to get a job than a parent.

Has he applied for a job at DEFRA? He probably has but just thought I’d suggest it in case he hasn’t. It’s very hard for young people to start careers these days, so much competition for each job, I hope he finds his way soon.

What about working with charities or volunteering: Canal Society, Woodland Trust, etc.

Is there any way you could get him to see the Jobcentre?

He sounds depressed but if he won't see the doctor, there's not much you can do.

I'd hold on until he's started work and see if the routine and (hopefully) positive reinforcement he'll get there will help him gain some confidence and lift his mood a bit.

Try and persuade him to start taking a good vitamin D supplement - at least 5,000IU daily. That can make a real difference to mood in these cold, dark days in the UK. Look up the symptoms of vitamin D deficiency in winter in the northern hemisphere.

@RobinStrike thank you, yes at least with the warehouse job he has to leave the house for and have a shower. I hope it is OK for him with nice colleagues. Did your dd get herself sorted OK? It is very hard to watch but his mood has been low before. The difference now is he's not had any reason to leave the house and do anything.

@letmego24 thank you. I'll try and get him to help me with dinner and clear leaves 🤞

@StrongerThanYouTh1nk he has a job starting week after next, warehouse. He was just about to apply for universal credit and the job came up so he didn't bother. He was contributing but then his contract ended.

@LoveItaly thanks, he has applied for The Environment Agency. The applications took hours, no interview. DEFRA looking on Civil Service website, there is nothing and now he is just depressed thinking and wont try, which is frustrating and why we had an argument. As he stays in his room and won't talk he hasn't explained until now how bad he is feeling until shouting in the heat of the moment. It's been nearly 2 months now no work.

Thanks for replies everyone.

@Coldfinch he won't volunteer. There is a conservation group we used to attend, and he is refusing to join them as he says it won't help him. Beyond frustrating. I have to find a tremendous amount of inner patience.

If he is dyspraxic he can tick the Disability box which should secure an interview in government applications if he meets the Essential Requirements of the role. He can request reasonable adjustments n the process.

Maybe look at council jobs in Environmental Health and planning, water and energy companies. Also look up local large scale development planning applications online to see which companies provide their environmental impact assessment reports.

Put yourself in his place, he must be very unhappy and struggling. He needs your understanding and support. I know it's frustrating but we really don't know whats going on in our childrens minds.
My son is 19 and autistic, didn't want to go to university and shows no sign of wanting a job, friends or a partner, it breaks my heart but I accept him for who he is and treat him with compassion.
Don't compare him to children who are neurotypical and don't punish him because he struggles.

Researcher? Environmental research. Could he apply to any minor research job, part-time etc and build his CV.

Once you have one job even for 3 months, the offers flow from there.
Employers have confidence in hiring you.

Tutor(try tutorful) teaching people who are doing the same degree he did. Or if he did well in any GCSE or A level, teach that, price him at the £15 ph mark. Again once feedback comes in, more clients book you. He has to show up and be reliable though.

@Annettebee I am supportive to my ds I do my best.

Great suggestions thank you @coldcallerbaiter

Would he join a gym or sports team? DS went through what your son is going through and the gym did give him a mood lift. He also taught himself chess and played online - there was always someone awake around the world and willing to play/ chat. Just a time filler till the job comes along.

DS did eventually take the online counselling option and short term ADs. He said they definitely helped him regain his motivation.

@DoNotBringLulu I know you're doing your best and it's incredibly hard &
I'm sorry if I offended you.
I found that acceptance was very freeing as I was making myself sick with worry.
My son seems happier with the pressure off of him and ar the moment that's the best I can hope for.

I agree with the Vitamin D and @waltzingparrot has great suggestions about a gym.

He needs to get out in the fresh air for a walk every day if at all possible - his mental health sounds really low and this is so tricky. Do you have a dog he can walk? Or would he walk with you?

Ask him to plan small things he would like to do and keep positively encouraging him. He sounds really low.

@Annettebee I just came on to say sorry if that came across as snappy. I should try acceptance I have the Calm app and my ds does suffer with low moods triggered off when things are very difficult. All crossed for his job.

I hope your ds finds his way. Many a time it's been suggested to me that mine may be autistic but nothing that's caused school/uni to suggest.

Can he sign up to some agencies and see if he can get some work? I have found that a good way in to a job even if it’s only temporary.

Getting that first job post university is really tough and it can be a terrifying time- I still remember it 25 years later.

2 months is nothing though, so maybe he can take comfort in the fact that what he is experiencing isn’t unusual. I had a friend at uni who finished top of her year in a degree related to her chosen career- she still had to work as a shop assistant for a year before being accepted on a post grad training scheme.

graduate programmes can be a numbers game, there will be hundreds of applicants who meet the criteria, so it’s more like playing the lottery than applying for a job and he just needs to keep applying to increase his odds. He shouldn’t be disheartened by being rejected for those.

@DoNotBringLulu
Not snappy but I'm a bit paranoid as I find it hard to express myself in writing.
No one ever suggested my son was autistic at school either, though one teacher commented on his loud voice.
He's an only child so though I knew he wasn't like most of his classmates he didn't seem to fit what I thought was autism. As he got older it became more apparent. He isn't actually diagnosed and he doesn't think it would make a difference but as I was diagnosed with adhd three years ago it seems unlikely it's something else.
I found reading the autism forum on reddit helpful in understanding him as he never discusses his feelings with anyone.

@LIZS we don't have a diagnosis, no offer of one unless there is indication of another condition alongside it such as ADHD or autism. We had an OTs report done when he was 11 and they said he meets the criteria. He has co-ordination struggles he struggled with tying shoelaces etc. He won't tell employers, but they do notice he is slower to learn.