22 year old lost his way

[DoNotBringLulu]

I wasn't sure where to post this. I just don't know what to do if anything at all and I wonder if anyone else has a young adult at home similar to my 22 year old son.

I know his mood is very low but he is at home and ignores us. He said I have been chipping away at him for days and insulted him - I did call him miserable - then he shouted that I don't understand and he doesn't want to sit in front of the PC all day doing nothing but he can't make himself do anything - he hasn't even had a shower for about a week.

I said I am sorry for not understanding and he said he's sorry (he pushed me out of his room - I know it wasn't a good idea to get annoyed with him at the door of his room ☹️). But he announced he wasn't going to cook a simple meal to help out.

I probably should understand as he's suffered from low moods before. Now it's like he's bereaved. He won't see the Doctor or do counselling.

There are no other family to talk to him. He doesn't get on with his sister; she's away at uni and his beloved GPs have passed. My DM coming up for a year's anniversary since she died.

Things have fallen flat for him but since uni he has been travelling to NZ and had short term temporary jobs. No friends at home. He's been unable to get a job in his chosen field of work relating to his degree. Now he won't apply for graduate programmes as he says there are hundreds of applications.

I have hope that he will feel a bit better after starting a temporary job in a Warehouse in a couple of week's time and he did actually leave the house at 10pm last night for a walk, first time in a while. I've just suggested he finds another outlet other than work. He rejects every suggestion.

He won't help himself.

I don't know what to do.

I've suggested getting diagnosed but he says it won't make any difference and he has to live with it. He did have a job putting up Bell tents but he did learn but says he almost lost the job. They loved him though as he worked incredibly hard.

I remeber Environmental Science being offered by universities in the very late 80s when there were no jobs whatsoever in it unless you wanted to volunteer. I considered it myself at the time. Unfortunately there isn't a massive amount of jobs now.

Wide ranging subjects like Environmental Science covers a huge area. What are your DS interests? Conservation, laboratory work, statistics and analysis, sustainability?

Some of these areas are easier to get internships or volunteering in than others, while being an intern or a vol isn't ideal, it is something to put on the CV which makes it easier to get a job. Getting work isn't so much of a problem, getting sustainable work is. Does your DS have a specific idea of a specific job or does he have a broad range of interests in the subject.

Being out of work is very disheartening, especially when you keep getting pushed back on everything you apply for.

Just to add two links your DS might already use but thought of as I know three conservation charities I've contracted for used for their recruitment drives.

They aren't massively well known outside of conservation and ecology so it might be a new avenue for anyone wanting to work in this area.

https://environmentjob.co.uk/jobs

https://www.countryside-jobs.com/jobs

@DoNotBringLulu
It's quite common that neurodiverse people struggle to have the career they are qualified for, ending up in low paying work. They are also vulnerable to bullying unfortunately.
I think your son has done brilliantly so far, I would be so proud of what he has achieved, remember he has a disability so everything is so much harder.

I know your DS said he wouldn't volunteer but I volunteer at our local nature reserve and met an environmental sciences graduate who was volunteering as a way to being hired by the wildlife trust that runs the local nature reserves.

It would help him get out of the house and network with local people who might know of environmental or conservation jobs and activities.

Why is he so reticent to see the doctor? Is it low motivation or fear they won't take him seriously?

Depending on area he could self refer for CBT etc, or private online therapy isn't as expensive as you'd think?

I've not read the full thread, but has he tried the Environment Agency website? They regularly update vacancies and are very supportive of neurodiversity.

@marki
@MarkingBad he had a short term contract assisting Ecologists, finished 2 month ago, but he's decided Ecology is not for him. I think he uses one of the websites,(he's very private and doesn't want to talk to us) I believe there's not many starter type jobs, he'd like a conservation role. His mental health needs improving before he can make himself look again. Thank you when he's hopefully a bit better I'll send the other one to him

@WestwardEast yes he's tried, no interviews offered.

It's worth keeping trying the Environment Agency. Jobs come up regularly. It can take applying for a quite few, before he gets an interview.

@Annettebee

I agree, bullies can sense what they perceived as a weakness. I've also been bullied at work. Hoping there's nice people at his warehouse job.

@Jyui at the moment he won't go because he hopes his fill in warehouse job will help. He refuses any treatment other than anti-depressants I don't think he's taking them now he's been on them before

Civil service applications are hard but I agree that he should tick the disability box. Then he’ll get an interview. Natural England do conservation I think and would be a good agency to try.
It’s so so hard when they get negative and depressed but if you can try and get across to him that volunteering WILL help in finding paid work. It’s a stepping stone.

Was going to suggest Natural England.
Good luck. It's a really high pressured time, after uni. You don't just walk into the perfect job.

I went through temp agencies, stayed long term in one, then noticed a job in a completely different field a couple of years after graduating and got that. You get a feel for different workplaces. Having the breathing space while doing a fairly basic job was great.

Conservation is a tiny arena, when he is ready to apply he might have to be willing to move away to get a job, some areas have more roles than others. Having volunteering under his belt in this will help. Charities can string along keen volunteers who want a career but if he goes just for the experience and applies for the roles available not just with the charities but with others it can really help with refs and experience.

Ecology can be disheartening so I understand why he decided it isn't for him.

I hope he gets back on his feet soon

I walked out of higher education and despite having 5 years experience and a 3 quals in agriculture by then, I had to work in an office for a year before I got a job back in the industry. I did not go into farming to work in a bloody office 😆but I swallowed my pride and it was fun so it wasn't so bad once Id calmed down over it

It's a shame he doesn't have a diagnosis as it's likely that any gov job would give him the interview questions in advance. That is how mine got his degree apprenticeship (ASD and dyspraxia). I would suggest to him that he starts the diagnosis process as he may well be able to get the questions in advance even if he is still waiting for assessment.

Have you looked at his cv and any applications he does? He needs a CV that really bigs up everything he has done and he may not be that great at selling himself if he is feeling depressed. He needs to make all his experience sound as impressive as possible, especially things like the Ecologist contract, but he might need some help from you or even a professional. Play up any group work he did at uni or anything where he took a leadership roll, any impressive research he did etc.

It's better IMO if he gets through to interview based on his application rather than just being put through - what's the point in being put through unless you're good enough on paper? DS never ticked the box as he didn't want to waste his time at interviews if they didn't like him on paper.That said having some interviews might make him feel he's getting somewhere and give him more practice.

Volunteering in something relevant is always good as it shows you're keen and it's another thing to put on the CV. I'd give him a bit of space and let him start the warehouse job and then suggest it to him. I would definitely say he needs to be prepared to move away for a job, it will give him lots more opportunities, ds is renting a room and living away at the moment.

Yes, my DD did eventually get a civil service job to start off her career. It was a general clerical one but once you are in then other jobs are advertised just internally. If you can persuade him to look for anything at all just to get into it, then he can look for something that he's interested in.
The aptitude test links I posted above really made a difference for DD.
There are lots of full and p/t jobs up and down the country

www.gov.uk/find-a-job

I wish you luck. It really does take perseverance. We did a lot of searching and passing on links to encourage DD, but your son may not appreciate that.

Does he have any friends locally- from school maybe - that he could meet with to get out of the house?

It can be really tough after uni’ - not only finding a job but the loss of routine and structure and a ready-made social group. I felt utterly bereft when my friends all went their separate ways and something I’d cherished came to an end. I do hope the warehouse job helps. Here’s some reasons to try a bit of volunteering as well: great on a CV; great way to find out what you don’t yet know about yourself and your talents; great way to meet like-minded people.

@ChevyCamaro I agree re volunteering but he won't do it now, I think he seems to be letting go of work in nature conservation.

@MarkingBad my ds said last night during a brief chat that when he looked at one of the web sites there were 44 jobs on the environment website and that would be for all graduates and non graduates all over the country and abroad. He said one of them got 1000 applications. Thanks for your comments about Ecology, I was feeling frustrated about that as he's had some experience, but he thinks the job they were doing was futile. That's good you got sorted with what you were qualified to do.

@Tina159 Good to hear your ds got sorted. Was his condition picked up at school and how does it affect him? My ds did apply for jobs a long way from home but he got rejected, no interviews so he is prepared to move. He does want to leave home especially after he's been away, travelled after uni. Thanks I agree he needs space and I am all crossed the warehouse job is OK, and his dyspraxia doesn't affect him too much - it's mainly fine motor skills and tying things. He drives an automatic, and doing a few things at once and thinking on his feet are not easy.

@RobinStrike my first role was with the Civil Service, yes when my ds has settled a bit with his mood hoping to put things in front of him. Thanks for the link. Really good to hear your dd got sorted.

@Downerthanishouldbe Unfortunately no friends locally :( he's not motivated to join any sports groups/social groups either.

@Craftycorvid it's difficult to adjust and also bitterly disappointing.

Thanks for replies and perspectives really appreciate it.

That's so difficult for you and your son. It's a tricky time after uni and it's not unusual to struggle with things.
A few of my friends kids have gone through similar and they've all come out the other side.
Job hunting or graduate training hunting is a numbers game. He has a degree and you've said he is a hard worker, I'm sure someone would want to hire him.

I totally agree it is a numbers game. Just because a thousand people apply for one role doesn't mean there is no chance.

It can take a long time to get into get where you want. But it is doable. Barely anyone in farming wanted a woman working in their team but I managed a reasonable career in it in the end.

With time and effort it can be done!

@Hualalai @MarkingBad I totally agree re numbers game but I don't have any influence and sadly he speaks to no-one and can't cope with it until his mood lifts. I think he doesn't want to do his chosen field badly enough and now doesn't know what to do.

DH & I will go through all these brilliant suggestions and hopefully when he's more receptive he will move things for himself.

I hope it works out for your DS OP, it is difficult.