Autistic / adhd guy ghosted me?

[CherryPizza]

So I’ve been very slowly getting closer to a man with autism/adhd and like him very much. We’ve met up every few weeks with a bit of texting in between. However, after our last meet up (the nicest yet I thought) he hasn’t replied to my message, nor been in touch. Do you think I should just consider this a normal ghosting and not try to be in touch again? Or could it be that his conditions are giving him a hard time and he can’t get in touch? I wonder if it was something I said. Any insight appreciated.

a silly post really, just I really like him

It didn't prevent him messaging you in the first place, he's capable if he wanted to, besides you wouldn't want to always be one coaching him how to communicate, you don't need to be his mum/saviour/teacher. My thoughts are when a guy disappears it's because they want to unfortunately.

You could scaffold a response in case he's got scared?
"Hi John. Since our last meeting, which I really enjoyed, I haven't heard from you. I was wondering if you have just been really busy or if you have decided on reflection that this isn't for you? Or if you just needed to take a few days?

I don't want to keep messaging if you have decided you aren't keen so I won't message again unless I hear from you. If you aren't up for a long chat right now but just need a bit of space for a while, and would like to see me again, just send an emoji or something. That way I will know you aren't dead or ghosting me but just taking a breather. Either way it's been really nice talking to you and I have enjoyed your company. Mary x"

Regardless of the reasoning behind it, I would ask is this the kind of hot and cold treatment you want going forward?

I dated a similar man who was very up and down and emotionally unavailable. I don't know if it was his autism/ADHD or not but it was anxiety inducing and exhausting.

Yes. I got a feeling that the very thing that made me like the last time we saw each other so much (a feeling of wow this really could work, we feel very close, this has proper emotional depth) might have scared him off.

This is kind of true but ADHD and autism can cause people to have rejection sensitivity, where they talk themselves into believing you can't possibly like them, or they find their growing feelings scary and withdraw for a bit. It's up to you if you feel like he is worth the scaffolding. Remember it is a communication difference and if you do embark on seeing each other you may be called on to scaffold many times over the years. It's not for everyone, but it can be very much worth it.

@LadySad Oh I do feel he’s worth it. Best guy I’ve met in decades. Literally. What do you mean by scaffolding? How do I build him back in? Would it be by making things very light again?

I agree with smallsilvercloud, he managed just fine when he wanted to. I wouldn't give any leeway at all, he'd be blocked for the rude twerp he is.

It means supporting his communication in the way I outlined above, whereby you provide some options so he can communicate back more easily with less mental "risk"

For example if you sent my example text you have made it clear you still like him (in case he has got scared) and also enabled him to demonstrate ongoing intent very easily (just an emoji) which if he is self doubting is much less "mentally risky" than you expecting him to write a self initiated message.

Basically it's easier to write to a new person because there is much less emotional investment. Frankly they don't care much if it doesn't go anywhere, they aren't risking much emotionally. Once feelings get involved it can all feel much scarier, especially where you have a history of being rejected or misunderstood.

I see. Thank you very much for explaining.

Btw assuming he does really like you and got scared (and isn't just ghosting) this is likely to be something he would work through and come to trust you.

I guess it's a bit like building a relationship with a rescue dog - previous experiences may have made him wary and scared but with consistency that will fade in time once he trusts you.

I wouldn't be tying myself in knots trying to 'bring him back in'. I'm probably a bit jaded from an awful year of dating but I feel I've learnt to just let a man do what they want to do. That way you'll know when they like you as opposed to them just going along with things, stringing you along or being too polite to say they're not interested anymore.

It's essentially up to the OP. I am just explaining that a neurodivergent man cannot be assumed to be just a "rude twerp" if his communication varies from what is typically expected, because after all he has a condition that significantly impacts communication.

That doesn't mean that anyone is obliged to scaffold, but if OP feels it's worth it and wants to give it a try it might pay off.

'Rude twerp' was my comment, LadySad so I'm responding. Men who treat women inconsiderately are not deserving of them, regardless. I have a daughter and it's important that she (and every other woman, frankly) realises this.

So many men manage to communicate very well indeed, when it matters. That is the crux. If someone has difficulties in maintaining that then it is for them to work on that. If a woman wants to delve and fix then she can work away but it's not something that I would be compelling my daughter to do, regardless of pressure from society.

I can see this perspective too.

Exactly! If he can't be bothered treating you right at the very beginning of a relationship, imagine his contempt of you 10 years down the line!

He's just not that into you. Forget and move on.

Know your boundaries about how you deserve to be treated.

You're worth more than this "twerp".

As I have said, there's no obligation on any person to do so.

As the daughter, sibling and mother of autistic men I do have an insight into how autism works, however, and saying of a person with a disability that impacts communication that they can do it perfectly well when they want to and just need to work on it is a fundamental misunderstanding of autism. It's like saying that a person with a muscle deficiency who is able to walk short distances but otherwise uses a wheelchair just needs to pull themselves together and ditch the wheelchair.

I think the scaffolding message would be completely offputting. It’s too details. It just seems really heavy if you like him a lot send a light thing. Eg: ‘Fancy meeting up on Thursday?’

People with autism/ADHD may not always be the best at following social convention in relationships when it comes to communicating.

I broadly understand your point. I do not though see it as a man's 'right' to have a woman fix this. If a person with autism's dating pool is reduced and restricted to people who have insight and willingness to work with the disability then that can be a beneficial outcome for both parties.

I'm not tolerant of inconsiderate behaviour. Like most women, I've been witness to this or subjected to it myself throughout my life. My stance is now firmly that women are not hospitals for damaged men.

I imagine that if OP thinks the man is worth the effort she will try. I wish her well.

Then we agree completely :)

Oh apart from "damaged men". Autism is a brain difference. Autistic people aren't damaged neurotypicals.

I'm really glad about that, LadySad. It is very difficult, just getting through life sometimes.

You’re looking at it from the perspective of a NT mindset though (I assume).

Regardless, we are all different and different things going on and sometimes things aren’t always as they seem. Men generally get a hard time on here. They can’t all be expected to act as one collective any more than women can.

I see the value in both the scaffolding idea and that if someone is keen they'll be in touch.

I might give him one. Last opportunity so you know you've tried given you really got on and he might struggle to communicate.

What was the last message sent? Yes he can get in touch if he wants but this way you'll know for sure there's nothing outstanding, no residual thoughts of ' I wonder whether a message hasn't arrived?'.

I'd be quite plain about it, the scaffolding suggestion given is very kind but in my mind too accommodating for someone you've only dated briefly.

I'd be more 'hi John how are you? No problem if you'd prefer not to but I enjoyed our last date and wondered whether you'd like to meet again?'