Autistic / adhd guy ghosted me?

[CherryPizza]

So I’ve been very slowly getting closer to a man with autism/adhd and like him very much. We’ve met up every few weeks with a bit of texting in between. However, after our last meet up (the nicest yet I thought) he hasn’t replied to my message, nor been in touch. Do you think I should just consider this a normal ghosting and not try to be in touch again? Or could it be that his conditions are giving him a hard time and he can’t get in touch? I wonder if it was something I said. Any insight appreciated.

LadySad, that quote was coined by somebody else, it was applied to inherently lazy men and really wasn't for disability. I apologise for that because I can see that 'damage' isn't the right term there.

My last message was just about what a nice time I’d had — ‘thanks for a lovely time’ type message.

I am AuDHD and in camp "rude twerp". I wouldn't be making accommodations or scaffolding anything here, she's a woman looking for a LTR not a sales assistant at B&Q.

That made me lol @TheWayTheLightFalls

I think the "scaffolding" message is waaaay too accommodating - it's like "I'll accept any scraps", which isn't good for anybody because it's not sustainable.

It sets the scene for him to behave however he likes and the expectation she'll just make allowances at her own expense for ever more. Eventually that wears thin for most people and then it's a huge shock to the other person that "oh hey they've changed, they're suddenly unhappy but I've always treated them this way, wtf?"

I think you've got to set expectations on both sides. No, it's not OK to ghost me. No an emoji isn't enough. If you're not ready to try to meet your NT potential partner's equally valid needs partway, maybe bailing is what you need to do.

Yes, I suppose I posted because it is just giving me a horrible feeling. This time last week I felt so good, I like him so much. I’ll never know why men do this.

AuDHD woman here. Sadly this has happened to me plenty of times in OLD. It might not be his neurodiversity but an avoidant attachment style, or it could just be that like many people he sadly hasn't got the courage to communicate his lack of interest in continuing. The scaffolding approach to me seems like talking to him like an infant, which would demonstrate his level of emotional maturity if he were to take to it. Presumably you want to date an adult equal to you and not somebody who needs coaxing to communicate with you. When this happened to me (with an AuDHD guy), I sent them a follow up message saying that I hadn't heard from them for a while so was assuming they were no longer interested in the second date they proposed, and that that was fine but I just like to have some resolution to things rather than ghosting. He responded well and explained he had been struggling with his mental health and wasn't in the right place to be dating and we then became friends for a while. So it was a nice ending overall. Worth sending him a message to see what he says.

How long did you leave it @ByAquaBee? I really thought this guy was different. I met him in the wild about three months ago, and everything has felt totally right.

I would say it depends on the severity of his ND traits. It might just be he isn't into you.

I have ADHD (female) and I have been with my partner for 18 years. I never forgot to text him. He was and is important to me.

Even in the early days, it was like that for me.

I think an equal relationship is equal contact. Especially if that's one of your love languages, otherwise you will never be satisfied.

Sure, check if he is interested but I would be put off this for sure.

Although the poster had good intentions, as soon as it was mentioned you may have to train him like you would a rescue dog I’d be out. People don’t just stop communicating without reason, no need to overthink it, he is treating you badly and has for some reason lost interest, he would be in touch otherwise. He has shown you what he is like and what he thinks of you, trust your instincts that this is not right and either move on or at a push ask if he wants to continue seeing you or ask for another date, but interested parties don’t break a run of perfect communication without reason. Don’t over analyse.