Messed up & so embarrassed

[Alone2025]

I split with DDs (shes 4) dad when I was pregnant and he was pretty much absent for her first few years, met her a handful of times but wanted no involvement, updates, no money paid etc

As she got older she started to show more interest in dads and different family models so I phoned him to ask if he wanted to be involved and he jumped at the chance. He spent time getting to know her until eventually we decided to get back together, the 3 of us have been a very happy family unit since, no issues so I decided to move in with him.

It was a major move, cross country, spent a fortune, and lots of time spent prepping her. It has all fell apart within weeks of being here. Everything that I had forgotten about him hasn’t changed - completely shutting down, refusing to communicate, prioritising computer games, taking everything i say as criticism. I tried to keep quiet for the sake of my DD but everything came to a head tonight and I asked did he want us to leave. He did and we are now in a hotel room with our stuff packed in suitcases, waiting to travel back to our old home tomorrow.

Im so grateful that we still have our old home to go back to but I’m heartbroken. I spent years building a life with her that I loved and honestly thought i was doing the right thing giving her the ‘family’. I’m worried sick about the impact this will have on her mentally/emotionally and I’m also so embarrassed admitting to everyone around me that I’ve made this mistake.

Most of all I’m angry at myself - I’ve tried so hard to protect her from the fact he didn’t want to be a dad and now I’ve gone and exposed her to all this hurt.

If you’ve read this full thing - thank you! Can anyone reassure me that I will get over this at some point? I am feeling like I’ve messed up so badly that I can’t come back from this

You Will both be fine. You have eachother and you are going Home 🌺

She'll be fine. For a young child, the main carer is the home, not a set of walls.

Treat it like an adventure, but also as lighthearted as you can..she'll pick up on your vibe so if you're calm and confident, it'll be water off a duck's back for her.

Honestly, in 2-3 months, you'll be back in the swing of your old life and your daughter will be fully into whatever is going on in her immediate circle.

In time, if/when it comes up, you can talk to her about how you gave it every effort/chance and you are confident that being apart is the right way to go.

Very sensible to have left so quickly! Your DD will bounce back into her old life in no time, young kids can be very resilient and most importantly she has you. So great you’re old home there for you.

Your DD is so young she'll barely remember such a very brief interlude away from home. Well done for reversing the plan so quickly, and not letting things drag on. Massive well done and you sound like a brilliant mum.

You gave it a go it hasn't worked. You've both got your home to go back to.
And now you know. Move forward. Good luck 🤞

You did the right thing for you both. And don’t be embarrassed: half the people will spend five minutes interested in the gory details and the other half will tell you they didn’t think it would last. Everyone will be pleased to see you home and your daughter will pick up where she left off.

It shows how good of a mum you are that you saw a problem and acted quickly to resolve it.

Your DD may take your lead; a friend of mine said she never missed having a dad growing up nor as an adult now as her mum was everything. It never even occurred to her. So this idea may be harder for you than her in many ways if you take the lead that it is fine . and I'm sorry it didn't work out but you've done brilliantly as two of you before it sounds and I feel so sure you will continue to.
also your DD will now have some picture of her dad in her head , which may still remain a positive if you help her to feel positive . Be kind to yourself and also one often just makes the best decision one can with the information you have : it could have turned out differently and hopefully its fine you tried especially as you still have your house

Thank you all so much for your kindness. Tonight feels like an extremely low point in my life and I don’t have many people I feel comfortable talking to so I’m very grateful for the kind messages. So looking forward to being in our bed together tomorrow night and a hug from my own mum

Please don't feel low. And you have very strong positives, in looking forward to being o your bed and also in having a lovely mum too. Those are lovely things. Honestly you are doing brilliantly. All change can feel wobbly but it sounds like this one is for the best and you'll look back on it one day and be absolutely fine. Though I do hope your dd's dad can support her going forward and I wonder if this is something you have discussed with him as it would be a help if he contributes - and hopefully could keep contact with her too if that would be good.

Ps sorry I think he's already refused to contribute. Could you approach it through official channels? I have no experience but hopefully someone else does

I’m so sorry to read your post OP. I can totally empathise with your situation. I tried so hard to make things work with my exH for the sake of our DDs. I tried couples therapy, Imago…shutting up and putting up but ultimately we’re role models to our DDs. Well done on leaving when you did. You and your daughter deserve to be happy. I would recommend play therapy sessions for your daughter. I organised them for my DDs when we left. It helps for them to have a neutral space to let out any feelings they may wish to.

Don’t beat yourself up. You tried in good faith to do the right thing and it wasn’t so you took quick decisive action to backtrack. Look on the bright side you will never have the “what might have been” with him being a father you have just confirmed your first call was the right one. Model being cheerful and practical to Dd and she will follow your lead.

You've shown your daughter what self worth looks like. Honestly we'll done OP. You tried, it didn't work so slot right back into your old life as beautiful as it was. It is natural for her to ask about her dad but it'll become less cutting as she gets older. Stop thinking about what others may think and what the norm in a 'family' unit- mn is full of threads of messed up families but your little unit isn't one of them , so be proud and don't look back.

You tried to create a family life for your daughter, but it didn't work out. You made a mistake, but you didn't ruin her life. In fact, you've made sure there's less chance of a long term impact on her by leaving him again so quickly and your absolutely done the right thing in walking away.
Draw a line under it and forgive yourself. Take this experience as a huge learning curve and just focus on you and your girl for the time being. Everything will be fine, just get home and take it from there x

You hold your head up high. It's only him that this doesn't reflect well on.

You tried, and discovered he's a true waste of space. Now don't look back, and enjoy your life raising your little one without that waster in the way. She'll be just fine.

You tried to make it work and you took quick and decisive action when it didn’t. That was the strong, brave, and right thing to do, and you should be proud of yourself for sticking up for you and your daughter. It may not seem like it now, but this is the bast thing you could have done for you and your little girl.

And file a CMS claim.

Perhaps get some counseling for both of you.

Well done for taking the brave decision to do what’s right for you both. A lot of women would have just stuck it out hoping it would get better.

You are going to be fine! It’s natural to want to be a family but he’s an arse and it would never work. At least you know that for sure now.

You have your daughter and a home. You do not need that waste of space.

Apply to child maintenance!

I think you’re a good role model for your daughter, it’s ok for her to see that sometime you try something but it doesn’t work out so you have to cut your losses and move on. The most important thing is that you're teaching her to expect to be treated well with respect and consideration and not to compromise on that. Well done, she will be fine and you can soon get back to a nice, stable routine.

Hear hear, bravo OP!!
You were open minded enough to give it a go, and are demonstrating that being treated badly is unacceptable and left the relationship. You are teaching a valuable lesson.
It will take some time to settle but hold your head up high and look after yourself

Can you make out it was a holiday and a nice time to spend with Daddy that's now finished and it's time to go home.

It sounds like you took your time and we're patient. You were trying to give her a two parent family unit but it didn't work out. She's had a fab mum her whole life who's consistent and there for her. That's all she needs and she's going to do great.

Agree with others she'll pick up on your vibe, lots of bright smiles and "it was so lovely to see your Dad but it's time for us to go home now. Won't it be nice to see that park/our favourite cafe/grandma"

You were brave and acted quickly to get you both out of a situation that you could see was harmful. Staying would have caused her emotional damage, leaving has protected her.

Your daughter already has a wonderful, loving family, it is just one that doesn’t include a dad. This is her normal.

Its always scary navigating change, not being able to realise dreams et

If you can swap your lens and look at the positives;

• you tied, you will never wonder what of or similar
• yoi had the strength to leave rather than waste years, buying into sunken costa etc.

You can have that life you love back and know you never settled
for less than you deserve!