Messed up & so embarrassed

[Alone2025]

I split with DDs (shes 4) dad when I was pregnant and he was pretty much absent for her first few years, met her a handful of times but wanted no involvement, updates, no money paid etc

As she got older she started to show more interest in dads and different family models so I phoned him to ask if he wanted to be involved and he jumped at the chance. He spent time getting to know her until eventually we decided to get back together, the 3 of us have been a very happy family unit since, no issues so I decided to move in with him.

It was a major move, cross country, spent a fortune, and lots of time spent prepping her. It has all fell apart within weeks of being here. Everything that I had forgotten about him hasn’t changed - completely shutting down, refusing to communicate, prioritising computer games, taking everything i say as criticism. I tried to keep quiet for the sake of my DD but everything came to a head tonight and I asked did he want us to leave. He did and we are now in a hotel room with our stuff packed in suitcases, waiting to travel back to our old home tomorrow.

Im so grateful that we still have our old home to go back to but I’m heartbroken. I spent years building a life with her that I loved and honestly thought i was doing the right thing giving her the ‘family’. I’m worried sick about the impact this will have on her mentally/emotionally and I’m also so embarrassed admitting to everyone around me that I’ve made this mistake.

Most of all I’m angry at myself - I’ve tried so hard to protect her from the fact he didn’t want to be a dad and now I’ve gone and exposed her to all this hurt.

If you’ve read this full thing - thank you! Can anyone reassure me that I will get over this at some point? I am feeling like I’ve messed up so badly that I can’t come back from this

If she’s anyway older she might have noticed and understand herself. I’d assume you’ll have the ‘we both love you’ talk anyway. You kept your house. You also tried something that could have worked- basically you’ve done everything you could de amazing. Take care op, you’re doing better than you think xxxxxx

@Alone2025
I've just woken up, cup of coffee and a scroll through mm and BAM!
A post from a strong woman who's set her boundaries, acted on them and has taken decisive action.
What a way to start my day!
Absolutely well done, 👏 I'm proud of you.
Your dd will be fine, you'll be fine.
Have a good hug with your dm and I'm sending you another un-mumsnetty hug from me ❤️

You didn’t mess up. He did. How you respond and hold yourself in front of your DD will matter more now.
She was always going to have some issue with her father. Either a void, or this. It’s unavoidable given who he is.
Focus on what’s in your power now: her amazing mum. Make your relationship special and safe. I liked another poster’s suggestion to treat it like an adventure. Let her be sad if she feels it but don’t let guilt consume you. You have done nothing wrong and this isn’t your fault.

You did more than most would and you tried, you have so much love for your daughter and put energy into this. I'm slightly amazed he didn't just get a hotel room to give you guys space to pack and leave with minimal disruption to your daughter but he isn't father material. I hope you can pursue some form of maintenance however as he did father a child and should be contributing fina cially as he clearly can't contribute any other way.

Enjoy being home again tomorrow, ten times more than before as now you don't need to doubt that it's the beat place foe you and your little girl.

Hi everyone. Just wanted to pop on with another huge thanks to all of you. The past 24 hours have been terrible but you have all really helped with the support. We are home in our old bed, I’m getting a bath (which we didn’t have in the new house) and a CMS claim has been submitted. Thanks again x

Wonderful news. Enjoy and stay strong 🌺

Wonderful update, you've done amazingly well to leave so quickly. I'm sure your DD will appreciate it later, you're clearly all the parents she will ever need.

No, you've actually done really well by recognising his behaviour and what you won't put up with .
Well done for setting a good example to your daughter x

You’ve just shown your daughter that it’s ok to walk away from a relationship that isn’t right. You’ve just modelled to her that she should never stay in a shitty relationship.

She will be ok because she has you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you’re a great mum and you should be proud of yourself.

If you hadn't given it another go you may have always wondered 'could it have worked out'.

Now you know for absolute certain that the man is a twat. Who uproots a child and gets them to move across the country only to make no effort and throw them out a few weeks later?

Draw a line under it now, your dd won't remember and you can move on with your life.

There's a Japanese saying: “if you get on the wrong train, be sure to get off at the first stop. The longer you stay on, the more the return trip is going to cost you”

You did well, you got off at the first stop.

Bravo op! All will be well again x

@Alone2025 you gave it a try and it didn’t work out but DD is young and has you. She probably wouldn’t have thought about it as a big thing only being 4, not thinking that far ahead like an older child would. You’ve done the right thing and thankfully you have been able to sort it. It’ll all be ok xx

Think you've actually shown a lot of strength and decisiveness.

It'll be ok. You'll be so glad to get home.
Take some time to reset.
Good luck to you.

That’s the second time I’ve seen a comment about that in two days! I can’t remember where I saw the first one though.

I think you did the right thing by giving it a go, and also by leaving. If you hadn’t ever tried it might have played on your mind, ‘I failed my daughter, I should have tried for her sake’ etc. But now you can move forward with confidence.

I lived in Italy for two years when my dc were two and four and they don't remember it. It's just a bump in the road. You give it a go and it hasn't worked out and now it's the two of you again.

It's you who is her home, her stability.

I agree with treating all of this as an adventure. You've been there and you have done that and now you are back, to a place she already knows, and shall we go to the park with the red slide.

And don't be embarrassed. You haven't done anything embarrassing at all.

Quite honestly you sound great.