AIBU in stopping his decision?

[KM8]

My husband announced last year that he felt a calling to go into ordination to train to be a vicar. I never in our relationship tell him I don't want him to do something (I'm happy for him to do whatever!) but this is something I'm really not happy about and told him this.

He continued to go through the training process despite this saying we will be able
to have a "free home" I don't want our 2 kids lives or schools uprooting and he said he would stay close to home again I told him I didn't want this, I was fine for him to preach and do church services as he does but without this next step.

I thought it has been forgotten as it all went quiet but he's been WFH todays and I was tidying up and found reports from one of the selection panels saying "his wife who initially brushed it off is now on board and supports this decision..." I am so angry that he is lying basically just to feed what he wants.

I am at the verge of saying "It's the job of us...."

Well he's not really got what it takes to be a good vicar, has he?

I’m sorry OP.

He will choose this new vocation if you give him that ultimatum/choice. So be prepared for that.

If it’s any consolation it would also be the end for me for many reasons. Is it moving that is the dealbreaker for you? Another thing is you would need to accept people calling round at your house all the time. I believe this can be very intrusive for vicar’s families. Not something I would tolerate.

💐

🤣

As usual the first answer has nailed it.

Shame he's not a Catholic because that would've meant a great confession.

I just couldn't live with someone who behaved like that who or who wanted that career.

Thanks everyone! I never ever say no to things I'm pretty chilled (I like to think!).
It's everything, I already feel consumed with church things as it is (he has a paid role working for a church currently!) and I just feel like I'm sick of it all already and it would only get worse.

I just cannot live in that lifestyle and I know it's probably selfish of me but I just can't.

Being married to a minister of religion is a huge deal. The community role it involves would make a massive difference to your own life, and it's valid not to be on board with that. I'd be utterly furious at him lying.

Also, isn't he being optimistic thinking he'd definitely get to be in a limited geographic area? I didn't think it worked like that.

I think that’s very fair - you don’t feel a vocation because your husband does. The free house is a touch iffy; friend of a friend recently I believe has lost her husband and now has to leave their family home to add to the trauma

I think as he’s misrepresenting you it’s fair to contact the reviews board and tell them that’s inaccurate - no need for more than that - but more importantly if he’s lying and doing this without you then has he already decided that your marriage is over?

In honesty , written as someone married to a CofE priest, I absolutely categorically and utterly flat out refused to move to a vicarage. Big difference was this, my husband was honest with the DDO about all this and So was I when the DDO visited to meet me at home. It meant he was not ‘deployable’ but

If you have not met his DDO I strongly recommend singing long and loud from the rooftops to the DDO, the bishop and do so by writing to them by letter. He is NOT listening to your worries and concerns and frankly that is a concern more so if he imagines doing that makes him a suitable candidate as a priest.

I have known people testing a vocation to ordination be refused as their spouse objected most strongly. Most panels take the view if someone cannot hack their marriage vows how will they fare with the extra stresses of the ordination vows on top.

It is not a free house, it’s a house for duty. The parish will expect to have access, the world will expect to have access. it is not like living in a private home. True most have the office and downstairs loo separated from the rest of the house by a door but not all. The diocese owns the place and it’s like having a private landlord who is not so keen to spend money on the upkeep. you can wait weeks for repairs.

Right now he has his head full of dreams. I suggest some placements at the real coal face of the grit that is the reality or many parishes, no real money, chasing grants for upkeep and social care stuff, LONG hours and every single thing lands on his shoulders with no delegation possible. Very few churches have spare money for employees, loads of capable volunteers and lots of additional resources. I suspect you have a greater idea of the reality that is waiting than he does.

My husband only gets one day off a week, during some times of the year that can vaporise from pastoral needs that have to be followed through. (Funerals, safeguarding, extra community requested services for Christmas and Easter) I do NOT see him on Christmas Day as he is working.

My mum’s friend was the wife of a vicar and she had to be so involved in the church. Not only that, she received so much hostility from a section of women in the congregation who became obsessed with her husband and painted her as some subpar wench and slattern. She’d find them in her house (country parish) cleaning and tidying things up (and rooting around). They hated her and it was hard. Fortunately, she is a brilliant and brusque woman who gives no shits and took it all on the chin. It’s hard though and being married to a vicar means you’re expected to be very involved.

You don't get a house. You get the use of one and you get turfed out when he retires (and the retirement provision isn't great - they only introduced pensions quite recently didn't they?)

People I know who do this had to put up with an unsuitable and mouldy bathroom for years and the house is cold because it's single glazed. And she was keen and was an active church volunteer before he was ordained. She has a rental they can live in on retirement.

Plus of course the scrutiny of your lives.

So much for honesty and integrity, eh?

Is it C of E?

I ask because I'm wondering if he needs to rake the house. In Methodism for example you just need to say you can't move out the area for a period of time (because children are in schools) and they give strong consideration to working in commuting distance.

This came about because a minister had a failed placement due to their child being in a special school and making them move where provision for their child wasn't possible caused the failed placement.

I'm so sorry op, it sounds like your marriage may be over. And also his career/calling.

Does he really believe he's going to get away with these lies?

I suspect he might think he's going to talk OP round.

I'd write to the board and say you're not in agreement at all.

Your marriage seems destined to break up whatever happens.

I suspect he thinks as a man that his dear wifey will fall in line with his desires.

id be making it clear I’m not supportive and that his lie is a giant red line. He needs to be open with the panel for any support from me.

The lying is obviously a big problem. Enough that you could shut this down by telling the panel that he lied and he should at least be truthful with them himself.

My dad was a vicar when I was a teenager and my mum didn't regularly attend the church he was a vicar of. (She went to a different one!) No one seemed to mind and there wasn't much they could do if they did. The vicarage wasn't next to the church and the rest of the house was separated from the study by an internal door so things weren't too disruptive. Dad did work most evenings and was exhausted around Christmas. Generally though we saw much more of him and moved house less than when he had worked in his previous corporate job.

If you can overcome the lie, do you think your husband would respect your boundaries around staying local? Would it be financially viable to keep living in your current home? I don't know that it will be workable for your family, but it definitely can be workable for some families who don't want to be extra church workers.

He flat out lied to the panel! Tell them.

You're not at all unreasonable op. A close relative has a husband that is involved with our local Catholic Church in a voluntary capacity. He has taken on 3 separate roles and quite honestly she finds it too much , as her husband has allowed himself to be on call despite them having a young child with potential autism diagnosis looming. I can only imagine how much more intense it would be living in the vicarage and having to uproot your lives to do so.

He really needs it spelling out to him that it's a deal breaker for you.

As my username (name change for this) says, my OH is a clergyman.
What your husband did in lying about your feelings is unacceptable. You should definitely contact the official bodies directly (and copy him in) and correct his completely untrue statement. He will then need to deal with the consequences of his actions.
I am so angry on your behalf, and suggest couples counselling for you both as a way through this betrayal of your relationship. I hope he agrees to this. My husband would never have done this, and it bodes very poorly for your relationship.

I agree with another poster. I think your marriage is probably over. If he doesn't pursue this "dream" then he will forever be resentful and discontented. He also sounds like a poor husband to so selfishly dismiss your extremely reasonable (understatement) concerns. And he sounds like a poor priest to tell such lies.

Oh I don't know. In my eyes he's passed the first stage.

Every sermon you hear is full of bullshit.

I wouldn't tell him what he can/can't do, and personally I wouldn't contact the church about his lie. That looks to me like it would certainly end your marriage. You can only ever control your own behaviour, not someone else's. Just make your own decisions and let him make his. If his decision is to continue, well, you've made it clear you won't be going along with it, so don't.

It's a shame that his faith doesn't seem to be giving him the strength to do the right thing and put his family's needs before his own. I am so sorry you are going through this.