AIBU in stopping his decision?

[KM8]

My husband announced last year that he felt a calling to go into ordination to train to be a vicar. I never in our relationship tell him I don't want him to do something (I'm happy for him to do whatever!) but this is something I'm really not happy about and told him this.

He continued to go through the training process despite this saying we will be able
to have a "free home" I don't want our 2 kids lives or schools uprooting and he said he would stay close to home again I told him I didn't want this, I was fine for him to preach and do church services as he does but without this next step.

I thought it has been forgotten as it all went quiet but he's been WFH todays and I was tidying up and found reports from one of the selection panels saying "his wife who initially brushed it off is now on board and supports this decision..." I am so angry that he is lying basically just to feed what he wants.

I am at the verge of saying "It's the job of us...."

Are you going to tell him you saw the paperwork? I think I would.

Thank you so much for all your reassurance everyone! Yes I'm going to tell him what I've seen and ask him all about it all with a "how dare you" in there.
I'm not going to tell him he can't do it but to tell him I will not support him as it is a lifestyle that I really cannot adapt to or expect our children to either. If he wants to do this then so be it I won't stand in his way but he can do it alone. It's either us or his vocation.

As a vicar, I suggest you contact his DDO (Diocesan Director of Ordinands), I'm surprised that they haven't spoken to you anyway, at least informally.
Being a clergy person is like living in a goldfish bowl. People come to your house at all hours of the day, expect to have meetings in your house and garden tea parties in your garden. The family should be on board. To have lied that you were is totally wrong. Because it stops the church being able to provide a workable solution if they decide that your OH really is called to the priesthood.

Of course if you split up then there has to be an investigation into why that happened, as divorced candidates need special dispensation to be able to be ordained, and at that point they will definitely ask you for your side of the story. So he will need to fess up at some point anyway.

Is he sure about a free home? The person I know who is a Reverend has to pay rent and it has just doubled overnight.

I’m glad you’ve come to this clarity of view. It wouldn’t be workable to take on such a family responsibility if both parents are not fully on board.
(Although I confess to laughing at the irony of literally lying in order to get a job as a vicar. Reminds me of my exH who asked for a character reference, to be a magistrate, from a woman he was having an affair with 🤦🏻‍♀️)

I'm a Christian and I really don't believe God would 'call' him to do something his wife is unhappy about. Often people feel 'God' has told them something, when it's really their own desire telling them. They need to assess how the calling fits with God's principles. If there's no clash that's great. Your H should be prioritising his wife and children - not himself. He's already able to serve to God in what he's currently doing so it's not about that! He sounds a bit selfish.

And God would most definitely NOT want him to lie about how his wife feels. This is telling.

So....I've done it, explained everything. He's now saying he's going to do it as a "self supporting" basis and us stay in our home. But again I don't want him away from us every sunday (he works full time) too. I just cannot live or be consumed in that lifestyle unfortunately, I'm sorry to do this to him but I'm just being honest that it's something that I will never be ok with.

We've agreed that we aren't going to come to an agreement over this as either way one of us will be unhappy.

Thank you all for your support.

Dunno, sounds spot on.

Is he also interested in being a politician?

My (ex) husband started an independent church plant and pretty quickly it drove me crazy. So many needy people who latched on to me, they were exhausting.
They wanted us to socialise with them all the time and I was doing a stressful job. I ended up leaving him, he put so much pressure on me to comply. If he'd have taken care of my own needs I could have made it.

SSM, same job and expectations from church but after paid work with no stipend or house for duty.

IMHO he has no idea about the impact of this ‘solution’.

Is that what 'self-supporting' means?! You keep your salaried job and then do the Vicar-ing around it - evenings and weekends?

That sounds like a recipe for burnout and poor mental health. I suppose I shouldn't be shocked that the Church would take advantage in this way.

I'm sorry to do this to him

You're not doing anything to him. You didn't marry him thinking he was going to be a vicar and all that entails, did you?

And while he's not at fault for coming to his vocation belatedly, it's a huge ask by him to change everyone's lives to suit that.

Nobody's to blame, as such (apart from his recent dishonesty). You just want different things.

It’s absolutely wrong that he is lying to advance his application. I think you need to make clear to him that if he won’t contact whoever is in charge to advise that you’re not supportive (and make sure you watch him send the email) then you’ll contact them yourself.

Being the spouse of a vicar is a vocation in and of itself. You will be expected to have substantial involvement in church life, and will also have to accept frequently coming second to the needs of his congregation. He will have limited availability on days like weekends, Easter and Christmas, and regardless of what’s happening in your lives he will generally be expected to put his congregation first. It is a lot to expect from a spouse and only really works where there is complete buy in. He absolutely doesn’t get to make a unilateral decision for you and your children.

I think you’re within your rights to issue an ultimatum, because this is a decision about your life too. He has to decide if this calling means more to him than his family.

You can’t be a vicar and lie on your application form. It brings the whole parish and process into disrepute and can have a big impact on the congregation’s faith in the church if they found out. If he isn’t willing to own up to his lies then he quite frankly doesn’t have what it takes to be a vicar.

And you’re not doing anything to him, he is the one who wants to take your marriage down a different path

In a nutshell. You would have to be both extremely resilient and very robust to enforce your boundaries as an SSM priest.

The grilling from vocation advisors and panels will probe this deeply. They can and do decline people based on various reports and references. It has to be a robust and slow process to discern if there is a vocation, what kind of vocation and where and how this may free someone to be who they really are.

If you have not the resilience and robustness to cope with public ministry then yes burnout and poor MH awaits no matter how good the parish or similar.

Does God really call people to a vocation that means leaving their spouse and family behind? Where their children will come second to the Parish?

Of course. He wanted Abraham to be prepared to sacrifice Isaac. God ain't all cuddly.

Weeellll... He only wanted him to be prepared to - not to actually do it (hence it was stopped)! If this guy said to the 'panel', "I really want to do this but my wife is not supportive and we'll be getting divorced if I go ahead" - then I think we all know the outcome. It would be stopped!

Why is it selfish?

Yeah, he had to be fully prepared to, not thinking to himself "oh the angel will stop me at the last minute" tho.

In Isaac's place, I'd be super-pissed, however. Super-super-pissed.

Church of England vicars wife here. My husband left a really well paid and long career to become a vicar. I supported him because to want something with your heart and soul and to feel the pull of it to never have it answered must be awful. I don't understand because it's never happened to me. Honestly he course itself is hard graft, yes you do get a house at the end of it but it's never yours and the pay for the amount of work is low. He has one day off a week and that disappears into the mists regularly for a funeral or someone needing him. But he has time to work his day around his commitments and is able to take care of our son in holidays etc. It's not true in our house that people are always needing access. We do make it clear that people can't just rock up at all times night. It's a lifestyle choice and I also make it clear that I have a full time job too so can just function as his PA which is what people outside think!

I do NOT see him on Christmas Day as he is working.

Surely only for an hour in the morning??

Personally I have to take 2 or 3 church services on Christmas morning. So more like 4 hours. But I do get the afternoon off.
Most of advent I tend to work 130hours a week, so I tend to be asleep by Christmas afternoon.

How are discussions going OP? I think SSM is a hard gig. Although my SSM does only work 3 Sundays a month, not additional stuff in the evenings. But I think I am quite a flexible area dean.

If you want to go nuclear, you could contact the recruitment panel and explain your views have been misrepresented.

Sorry I just saw your update x