To absolutely resent my husband right now?

[MrsResent]

Long story short.

My mother in law was diagnosed with a life limiting illness she's got about 5 years maybe more. Ever since finding out she's constantly been around us. Always wanting to stay overnight despite living a 10 minute drive away, she just turns up and stays the night.
I take her to hospital appointments, I go round and clean her house. I cook her dinners I see her pretty much nearly every day.
Yet she still insists on staying the night 2-3 times a week.

I am basically her carer & I just can't seem to get away she's always there. It's to much! Tonight we were supposed to have friends over and now we can't because she's here.
I've told DH he needs to calm down on the sleepovers but he just says she's poorly.
Yes she's poorly but she doesn't need overnight care yet!
I just resent him that I don't get a bloody break. All three of my children are disabled too it's to much. My parents are dead so it's not even like I can go stay at theirs to escape.

Well surely that's a win win

Oh I see you have disabled children.

Kick your DH out. Let him move back in with her and do her care. You have more than enough on your plate and he's treating your disgustingly.

It really isn't your MIL who is the problem here. Your DH is happy to use you as free labour. Are you ok with that?

How would your DH react if she ignored you for a year…would he step up?

Why are you so passive OP?

Are you frightened of your DH?

Well that's perfect.

If you upset her she can do her silent crap and you get peace.

Stop changing your plans to suit her, just Stop.

No one knows how long they've got to live so don't fall in to the "she's going to die in 5 years " I need to make it all about her.

Time to send him to sleep at hers 2–3 times a week..

Time to stand up for yourself ! If this was a mate you'd not take it, you don't have to because she's your husbands mother.

Well then you have a problem. Two in fact...your overbearing, entitled mother in law and your husband, who is ultimately responsible for this becoming an issue.

Would she come to your house and give you the silent treatment? Turn up, stay the night while freezing you out? Or does she do it from her own house?
Got to say the silent treatment is looking like an easy 'out' in the immediate.

She can't seriously expect to turn up at your house for overnighters regardless of your plans or your preferences. Your husband can't seriously expect you to put up with it. It's just absurd.

The silent treat! Embrace it!

You’re caring for three disabled children, a useless husband and a scared and needy mil?

Result!

Well then she wouldn’t have been able to ring you for lifts and cleaning would she?

honestly, either stop martyring yourself or stop moaning about it. You can’t have it both ways.

Sounds like a plan to me 👀

When she comes over leave everything to him say you will take the opportunity to go clean her house leave him with the kids and go take a nap over there or a bath read a book but take some space

And turn your phone on silent

As always it seems with these things you have a DH problem.

Honestly, your dh is a piss-taker. He gets to be the ever-loving son while you do all the work. Now he's all for his mum impinging on your plans and hanging out with your friends. He isn't saying, "Not tonight mum."
Where's the regard for you?!
Ask him.

HOW DID YOU EXACTLY MANAGE TO GET INTO THIS SITUATION?
PLEASE, DON'T DO IT. Especially, if you are a person who needs their own space.
I wouldn't resent my husband, I would be gone.
Completely different set up here, obviously, but it would never get to this.

And that would give you a break, perfect!

Do you have a key to her house? Every time she wants to stay, pick her up, drop her off at yours then go back to her house and stay there on your own until she returns. Your DH will soon get the message.

And that's a bad thing because.....

Absolutely this! Write down all the jobs that you do and get him to sign up to half of them. As there’s more work to be done, he’s got to pull his weight

You should have a grown up conversation with get and yoyr DH.

ref an agenda

• cleaning - stop cleaning for her, your DH can do it, you have enough on with 3 kids with disabilities
• staying over - be clear about you needing space. Have prearranged stayovers only - I suspect she's frightened. You may consider whether your DH could stay with her, but that might leave you on your own and you may need help at home, so think about whether that's helpful or not.
• other help - agree what you will do (if anything), recognising she might need more help over time but that she needs to maintain her independence.

Your DH is allowing you to do everything whilst offering nothing. I'd be pd off too if I was in your situ.

I hope tge adult conversation works x

Why are you her carer? Tell her son it's up to him from tomorrow.

He won't clean he sat and watched me do it the over day.

Sounds utterly useless.

My fanny would clamp up with a man and his mum like that. Run away! Your future self will thank you and ask you what the hell you thought you were doing.

What happened in your life that you said o.k. to this kind of lifestyle.

If she lives 10 mins drive away and just 'turns up' does that mean she drives herself to you? In which case, she can drive herself to appointment and is probably quite capable of doing her own cooking and cleaning.
She is milking it, and you are letting her. You are not doing her any favours in the long run, as she is giving up her independence too easily, and you are helping her. It's important to keep as active and mobile as possible within reason, otherwise she risks a quicker loss of fitness.
The timeline of 5 years is an interesting one', is it COPD? If so, it's possible to live a lot longer than that if healthier habits are adopted.