His ex

[tammy98]

Hi everyone, first time here. I've been with my partner for over 20 years, no kids and we haven't had sex for a few years. I've always been faithful and he hasn't. In February I was looking through his phone and saw all these messages from his first love (they were engaged and it was serious). She sent photos from when he took photos of her back then semi naked (and she was stunning) and they had been calling each other every day and him saying I can't speak I'm with a friend (me!). I messaged her and i wasn't polite, as I was so shocked. Then she blocked me. I confronted him but he said she's an ex. This was nearly 9 months ago and I can't move on. They'd been texting since January. Am I driving myself mad and it's nothing? What drove me mad was the fact she blocked me. Surely if she had something to hide she would tell me? I just keep going over it in my mind.

Thank you in advance ☺

You aren't mad or else he wouldn't need to lie about you being a freind, are they still in contact ? . I don't think you should have messaged her angry though as she possibly doesn't know about you or he's soun her a story. Why no sex ?

What did you message her? What did you say?

You aren't mad but you're also not married, dont have sex and don't have children so what's keeping you there?

I couldn't live with this situation.

You can't move on from it because he won't be honest with you.

Which implies he really doesn't care what he's putting you through.

Do you really want to stay with a man like that?

What's keeping you with this man op?

Sounds like this man is just a housemate. Why not start dating men yourself, or enjoy single life?

I think no sex because he's cheated many times. And denied them all. We don't communicate ie talk, cuddle, chat, kisses etc. We're in our late 50s and stuck in our ways. I'm currently out of work so I've no money to move on. Been like it for so long tbh.

I'm not interested lol. I've got no friends to go out with. We're like an old couple in our 80s.

I said she was a tart and did she want to be with him, was she seeing him and why send him photos like that? I was angry.

Company I think. Mad as it sounds.

Get a job, get a life, get rid of him.

This is not a relationship. You can't be financially dependent on a man who you're not married to and not even dating, can you work towards securing housing and financial security? If it's the mans house he could make you homeless at any time.
I don't think you should be angry at the latest woman he's messaging, she's irrelevant.

We don't communicate ie talk, cuddle, chat, kisses etc.

Where's the company? I get far more than this from my rabbit!

Not surprised she blocked you really.

He's as much, if not more, to blame however. Sure, she shouldn't have sent him pics - or the other way round - but if they're old but he's maybe seen them before and they're rehashing old ground.

There's a chance that it's all long distance flirting and she's not really interested.

You really need to get your act together between you or settle for the knowledge that it's over and move on.

Bluntly, his ex is ex isn't the issue.

You don't have a relationship. You live in a house with someone with whom you don't even have a passing companionable relationship who doesn't respect you.

I'm unemployed and just want a roof over my head. Plus I've got low self esteem and always have had

I agree with all of this. Surely being single is better than this. You’ll probably get more sex even!

This isn’t a relationship and to be perfectly honest I don’t think you can even get too angry at him at this point. Neither of you are getting anything from it but both afraid to leave.

So let him get on with his own life and you get on with yours.

You don't have a shared life together. One of you deserves to find a small shred of happiness somewhere. This sounds utterly miserable.

So he’s a lying cheat, there’s no intimacy, no companionship, no communication etc? There’s no reason to stay.

Im the same age as you and there’s a great life out there once you get of the sofa and make life happen.

You could easily have another 25-30 years left. Do you want to waste those years trapped in a soulless existence?

Why are you even bothered if he continues to cheat if your relationship looks like this? What's the point of driving yourself bonkers trying to police his affairs? Why have a go at the woman when the man is your real problem?

Life with him isn't going to change, so it's up to you whether you continue as you are, or start making changes by leaving or living properly separate lives (and maybe take a lover yourself).

We're like an old couple in our 80s

No you're not. You're nothing like an old couple in their 80s!

Is this all you think you deserve?. A pet cat or dog would give your more company.

How did you end up in this situation?.

The only person however, who can change your life is you.

And no you are nothing like an old couple in their 80s.

I think you are blaming the wrong person OP. Why blame the ex? Your partner is the one who owes you loyalty.

It doesn’t sound like a happy home. Who owns where you live?

If you break up with him will you be homeless? Because if that's the case then you'll be homeless if he breaks up with you, and as you have such a poor relationship this has to likely.

I think you need to take some agency and plan to leave - if you own a property in common you can force a sale, if you're renting and you can't afford to take on the tenancy you'll have to get a place for yourself. Can you contact a housing charity for advice on your options and the supports available to you. You may be able to get housing in a complex for older people as you're late 50s, which would be a great way to make new friends.

I think you need to look into getting a job too, for your self-worth as well as income. There are supports for the long term unemployed to go back to work, or you could do some voluntary work - say a charity shop, or providing company to nursing home residents.