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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

advice please? (a bit long)

37 replies

REIDmylips · 27/04/2008 19:50

I need a bit of advice please. I am not sure whether i am being unreasonable in the way i am feeling at the moment and would like some non biased opinions (i have a feeling some of my friends are just trying to be polite)

DH & I have a 20 month old DS. DH is great with out little boy and loves him very much, however i am getting more and more upset/angry with the lack of time that dh is spending with us. i get home from work at 3.30pm, pick ds up from nursery around 4.15ish. DH finishes work at 4pm. For the last few weeks he has gone to play golf or football after work at least once if not more times a week. This means he gets in around 6pm when ds goes to bed between half 6 and quarter to 7pm.

He told me this morning that he was finishing work early today and that really cheered me up thinking he wanted to spend time with us, then i found out that Everton were on the tv (who he supports).i took DS to my mums for the afternoon and dh said i should stay there for tea if ds was happy (so he could watch the footy in peace) he has just informed me he is going to the pub tonight with his mate 'if i dont mind'.

He has been out either with work or the lads for the last few Friday nights, which has been straight from work. Dont get me wrong, if i told him i wanted to go out, he wouldnt mind - as long as we dont need a babysitter. Which is why i am wondering whether it is me being a little over sensitive? one final point, DH has not seen DS for more than 10mins since Wednesday because of either work or socialising.

OP posts:
peggotty · 27/04/2008 19:55

IMO he is going out too much, particularily if he has been going out for the last few friday nights. Has this just started or been building up gradually?

posieflump · 27/04/2008 19:58

I would book some nights out yourself with friends to let him see what it's like
or take next Saturday 'off' and go shopping all day

Lulumama · 27/04/2008 19:59

hmmm.. if this is going to continue ad infinitum, then no it is not reasonable

going out a couple of times a week is fine, BUT if you then want to go out and then you need time together as a couple, where is that time going to come from

spending 10 minutes with DS since wednesday is totally unreasonable and inapporpriate for a father living in the family home and not working away!!

have you actually sat down and spoken to him? told him how you feel? that of course you don; mind him going out, but not so much and not to the point he is not spending any time with his son and as a family

if he goes out on a friday , will he tehn be hungover and uselss for all of saturday too?

is DS going through a challenging phase, and maybe DH is trying to avoid it?

themildmanneredjanitor · 27/04/2008 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beaniesteve · 27/04/2008 20:02

It sounds to me like he is asking if it's ok with you but you are not telling him strongly enough when it's not ok. Also he seems to give you really short notice. Was he like this before the baby was born or is it something he's only recently been doing?

Perhaps he feels like the having a child situation is under control and isn't aware that you would like a bit more help.

Original poster
REIDmylips · 27/04/2008 20:04

He is into his sport which means training every tuesday and thursday then a match which takes up all saturday. This has been going on since i have known him so i shouldn't realy complain. He doesnt go out every single friday it has just so happened that several people have been having leaving do's and it was his end of season sports mans dinner etc recently. TBH the pub part of it doesnt bother me as much as the fact that he doesnt see much of ds.

Also the fact that i have to work full time and look after ds too, i feel like i'm doing the vast majority of this alone. I'm sure there are loads of you reading this thinking 'yeah i do that too what is she moaning about?' which is why i wanted to check before i try to talk to dh about it.

Another example, i had to stay in a meeting until 5pm last week in work (which is very rare) ds has never stayd in nursery any later than 5pm. i text dh at half 4 saying i was going to be a while longer and could he please pick ds up from nursery (dh had got off early that day and had been home since 4pm - nursery is at most a ten minute walk away)

when i got out of work just after 5 i phoned dh to let him know i was about to leave, he hadnt even left the house to go get ds, he simply said ' oh you can go get him now while you have the car seat and you're on our way home (which takes half an hour)

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/04/2008 20:06

it does not matter what other couples do or don;t do, you are not happy with this

it is taking the p*ss a bit for him to sit on his bum at home and not get DS when you are in a meeting, and you have a half hour drive

ok, if he is out twice a week for training, then fair enough, but he needs to find time to ccompensate for not being with DS

the fact you feel alone is going to make the resentment build up, which is not healthy

PosieParker · 27/04/2008 20:09

If it feels too much for you then it is too much. Do you have any time to do things or your own too? Or is the main issue that you want to do things together?
IMO the 'right' relationship is where both people are happy, your dh sounds like he wants too much of his own thing, it's not uncommon but not acceptable if you don't like it.

Original poster
REIDmylips · 27/04/2008 20:10

i have made arrangements to go out this week on tuesday with a few friends (i am usually oo tired tbh)but this will be after ds has gone to bed. when i told dh he told me that he had already made plans to go out ontuesday but was happy to swap them for wednesday instead. This goes to show he doesnt expeect me to stay home all the time. (which i know he doesnt)and i love him very much and i know he loves me (have jjust realised my posts dont reflect very nicely on him, when he is a good husband)

i dont know how to approach this with him though without upsetting him iykwim. Although it got to the point where i actually cried this afternoon when he told me about the football being on, i actually thought he was coming home early to spend time with us, which had really cheered me up!

OP posts:
PosieParker · 27/04/2008 20:10

PS... don't make this just about ds because you're important too, all to often women try to say to their dp/dh that it's the dcs when actually it's everything and they just think dcs are a better reason than them.

jabuti · 27/04/2008 20:13

agree with lulumama, if its bothering you, it doesnt matter how other people do.

i find it unreasonable that you have to do so much and on top of it, he is going out loads and not making time for his son.

im on the view that once the babies come along, both parties have to compromise. so i dont think its justified that he has scheduled sport days from the day you met. somewhere, somehow he will need to compromise his social life so his son gets his attention as well, and you are not overwhelmed.

Lulumama · 27/04/2008 20:14

oh honey.. did he see you cry? does he realise that you are feeling so alone?

is that the key to this? that if you felt more supported , teh going out would not be an issue?

Original poster
REIDmylips · 27/04/2008 20:14

thank you so much for the advice. I think part of the reason why i get upset is because i dont 'make time' to do things for myself e.g. shopping etc. I am sooo tired today after having ds while dh was at work and that makes things 10 x worse, thinking about it when i'm tired. When i said what a busy day i'd had, he told me i should have phoned his mum to have ds for a couple of hours - which she would have been happy to do i'm sure.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/04/2008 20:15

yes, but you don;t want MIL to have DS, you want DH to do it, or to have family time, yes?

Original poster
REIDmylips · 27/04/2008 20:16

no lulu, he text me from work when i asked what time he was going to be home. He simply replied '3.30pm Everton kick off at 4'

OP posts:
Original poster
REIDmylips · 27/04/2008 20:17

and yes about the mil thing. That is why i didnt ask her.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/04/2008 20:18

you need a Talk.

over a glass of wine and a nice meal, he will probably be mortified when he realises how upset you have been

themildmanneredjanitor · 27/04/2008 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
REIDmylips · 27/04/2008 20:21

you are robably right lulu, the thing is i am such a big wuss that as soon as i try to talk to him i will blubber all over the place. I have tears in my eyes almost now (DH in the kitchen ironing his jeans)

OP posts:
jabuti · 27/04/2008 20:23

he is right there, call him over

Original poster
REIDmylips · 27/04/2008 20:23

on most ocassions he doesnt do it at such short notice tbh. he usually mentions it at least a week before if its a big night out, he is just going to the local tonight with his mate fro around the corner - which is another reason why i feel like i'm making a mountain out of a molehill

OP posts:
PosieParker · 27/04/2008 20:24

Reid, Ironing jeans is a worry enough but that along side everything else..... Tell the man (if Everton) win or not on a football night how you feel.

YouWillBeDeleted · 27/04/2008 20:26

My dp goes out on a monday night (i go with him if we have a babysitter) he works on a tuesday night, has a rehursal on a wednesday night (i go with him if i fancy it and he is with me all day wed) thursday night he has dinner with his parents, friday night he goes out with his mates, saturday night is my night with him (saturday daytime is family day) and he runs a karoake on a sunday night (that i go to if i fancy it) I think we've got a good balance and it works for us.

Eve34 · 27/04/2008 20:28

It has takne my DP a few months to get to grips with being a parent, I felt like O was doing the lions share for a while, but I just backed off and left him to it for a tew hours here and there. We how have 1 day at the weekend which is for us as a family and it has worked well.

Original poster
REIDmylips · 27/04/2008 20:33

how do you 'back off'? If i do that when dh is home he just ignores the fact that things need to be done (although i think its more that he doesnt know what needs to be done)he says i spoil ds because i get up and go were he wants me to when he comes and grabs my hand or take 15 mins to get him dressed because i turn it into a game rther than do it in 2 minutes and have him scream the whole way through it!

OP posts: