I have a dilemma that I am trying to solve but I’m struggling as my mental state isn’t great and I’m not thinking straight.
Situation: married with 4 children.since I met my husband it’s been nothing but trouble and heartache and I’m now wondering whether it’s a bit manipulative.
At thr start my husband moved to be with me, made my life hell, turned his back to me as he spoke to friends, called me a whore, locked me out of the house in the snow and all sorts. I got pregnant and he left me on an evening out and had his hands up a girls skirt. I saw him and instead of apologising he said ‘go have the bastard baby on your own’. He was drunk. I then lost the baby shortly after.
fast forward and I now have 4 children with him.he stopped the extreme verbal abuse but other issues arose. Over time there have been various women involved. 2 months after marriage he kissed a girl, 2 weeks after our 2nd child he slept with someone. This has broken me but as our son was now 4 I decided to try to put the past in the past. I decided to go to counselling, stop snooping into his phone etc and to move on. I told him this and he was happy…..then….he used this as an opportunity to freely behave however…i I found £100 cash in his wallet. When I looked into it he had been messaging escorts. He said it was just to get off on as it felt more real. This lie continued until I found the messages saying he was outside the brothel, His story was he never went in because of guilt and he did come back with the £100 however…he came back and messaged another. The woman was half my age and looked completely different to me. That evening he told me off for being 15 minutes late home, constant lies. He told me he likes the thought of sleeping with other women.
Anyway I’m now 6 weeks in to discovering this and having my own therapy. I have couples therapy with him next week (dreading it!).
he is living here as if nothing happened. Asking me why I’m miserable as if it’s ridiculous. It’s making me so angry and I’m trying to keep it calm for the kids sake and be civil. He thinks it’s not that bad as he ‘didn’t go in’. Every minute I’m in this house with him is unbearable. I’m trying to take action that is the best for the kids and to make sure we are ok financially.
The dilemma is that I have reached my breaking point. He is drinking heavily daily (has done for a long time), his blaze attitude makes me mad and like he feels he has power/I can’t do anything. He badgers me for sex at the moment too. Situation is…
Our mortgage is up for renewal in March. I can’t get it alone (I’ve checked). I need an extra room for the kids and if I sell I won’t be able to afford this, the only way I can do it is to do joint mortgage and then him leave on the date it starts. I don’t want to leave as I have a very lovely community here with support from neighbors. I’m trying to balance this practical reason against the fact that I can’t stand to be around him as it’s making me feel ill. 3 months seems like an eternity for him to be essentially laughing in my face about it, I worry that in this time he will try to drag me back in again. He said it’s because we didn’t have sex enough. I have always been the one to make effort so not true,
Can anyone help me with a way around this that’s not going to screw me re the home, financially and also least impact to the kids.
sorry for the long post. There is so much more to this story and I’m only just seeing the true situation as heartache and bad treatment have traumatised me a bit.
xx