Help..Dilemma - when to leave - escorts and cheating

[Mexico2000]

I have a dilemma that I am trying to solve but I’m struggling as my mental state isn’t great and I’m not thinking straight.

Situation: married with 4 children.since I met my husband it’s been nothing but trouble and heartache and I’m now wondering whether it’s a bit manipulative.
At thr start my husband moved to be with me, made my life hell, turned his back to me as he spoke to friends, called me a whore, locked me out of the house in the snow and all sorts. I got pregnant and he left me on an evening out and had his hands up a girls skirt. I saw him and instead of apologising he said ‘go have the bastard baby on your own’. He was drunk. I then lost the baby shortly after.
fast forward and I now have 4 children with him.he stopped the extreme verbal abuse but other issues arose. Over time there have been various women involved. 2 months after marriage he kissed a girl, 2 weeks after our 2nd child he slept with someone. This has broken me but as our son was now 4 I decided to try to put the past in the past. I decided to go to counselling, stop snooping into his phone etc and to move on. I told him this and he was happy…..then….he used this as an opportunity to freely behave however…i I found £100 cash in his wallet. When I looked into it he had been messaging escorts. He said it was just to get off on as it felt more real. This lie continued until I found the messages saying he was outside the brothel, His story was he never went in because of guilt and he did come back with the £100 however…he came back and messaged another. The woman was half my age and looked completely different to me. That evening he told me off for being 15 minutes late home, constant lies. He told me he likes the thought of sleeping with other women.
Anyway I’m now 6 weeks in to discovering this and having my own therapy. I have couples therapy with him next week (dreading it!).
he is living here as if nothing happened. Asking me why I’m miserable as if it’s ridiculous. It’s making me so angry and I’m trying to keep it calm for the kids sake and be civil. He thinks it’s not that bad as he ‘didn’t go in’. Every minute I’m in this house with him is unbearable. I’m trying to take action that is the best for the kids and to make sure we are ok financially.
The dilemma is that I have reached my breaking point. He is drinking heavily daily (has done for a long time), his blaze attitude makes me mad and like he feels he has power/I can’t do anything. He badgers me for sex at the moment too. Situation is…
Our mortgage is up for renewal in March. I can’t get it alone (I’ve checked). I need an extra room for the kids and if I sell I won’t be able to afford this, the only way I can do it is to do joint mortgage and then him leave on the date it starts. I don’t want to leave as I have a very lovely community here with support from neighbors. I’m trying to balance this practical reason against the fact that I can’t stand to be around him as it’s making me feel ill. 3 months seems like an eternity for him to be essentially laughing in my face about it, I worry that in this time he will try to drag me back in again. He said it’s because we didn’t have sex enough. I have always been the one to make effort so not true,
Can anyone help me with a way around this that’s not going to screw me re the home, financially and also least impact to the kids.
sorry for the long post. There is so much more to this story and I’m only just seeing the true situation as heartache and bad treatment have traumatised me a bit.
xx

You are right. I’ve just told him I’m not going to counselling and I want him to leave. He went nasty. Although it’s horrible I don’t see it as a women’s aid thing as that seems more for domestic abuse and I feel like I would be wasting their time, he hasn’t hit me or anything like that, what could I say is abuse? Xx

Abuse is not just physical. It can be financial, psychological/emotional and sexual too. You can be coerced into doing things you don't want to because it's easier to give in than to stand your ground. Once they get their way, all is calm and good again.

Do you worry about doing or not doing something in case it upsets them? Does he minimise his behaviour and make out you're the unreasonable one? From what you've written, there is abuse in his behaviour towards you. And now he's turning nasty because you're not doing what he wants. If you give in and say you'll stay, he'll be all nice to you again. Until the next time anyway. It's classic abusive behaviour and Women's Aid will absolutely help with this.

", he hasn’t hit me or anything like that, what could I say is abuse?"

This is a shockingly common misconception, abuse is not just about physical violence, abuse is what he's doing to you, the comments, the manipulation, the disregard for your safety etc.
You don't have to show that you're being abused to WomensAid/Refuge. Ask them for advice, don't talk yourself out of getting help because you don't think you fit their demographic!!

As for the mortgage, this is a red herring. He won't pay the mortgage, look what happened now when you said no to couples counselling (good move by the way).
Get a Solicitor and find out your rights.

That’s called the cycle of abuse. Abusers are never awful all the time. They are nice some of the time to keep you sweet. They will love bomb so you think things have or will change and once they have you back where they want you, they turn nasty again.

Your happiness is infinitely worth more than a house. It’s just a house. If you leave him, he won’t pay his half of the mortgage. He’s a liar. You can’t trust him.

You would be best to speak to women’s aid who can’t help you work through things and make an exit plan, even if this means you keeping the house. Speak to them. They will give you the best advice, including where you stand legally.

You say the children don’t know but trust me, they do know. Children aren’t stupid and you can’t hide it from them. They will hear him saying things to you that are abusive. They will hear him telling you off for being 15 mins late getting home. They will sense the horrible atmosphere in the house and it will make them feel emotionally unsafe. It’s been long studied and it’s a fact that even when parents attempt to hide abuse from their children, the children know something is up and it damages them. There are plenty of studies on the effects of emotional abuse of a parent on children.

Please do not go to counselling with your husband. It is not advised to attend counselling with an abusive spouse because it becomes another avenue with which to further abuse you. Anything you say in counselling will be used against you. Again, you can look this up for confirmation.

This marriage is dead. You need to move forward for your children and yourself. Better to downsize and start fresh in a new, safe home with the children than stay put for brick and mortar. You need to get it out of your head that you’re, “losing everything” because in reality you’re simply changing possessions for different ones, gaining safety and security and a peaceful home for you and your children. The only thing you’re losing is the abusive husband.

Read this. It will open your eyes because you’re still in denial.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Women’s aid is not just for battered women. Abuse isn’t just about physical violence. Abuse includes emotional, financial, sexual, coercive control, etc.

You are being abused. Women’s aid if there to give support and advice to women experiencing abuse. Cheating on you is abusive and puts your physical health at risk. Berating you for being late is coercive control. Drinking heavily and calling you names is abusive. Love bombing you is part of the cycle of abuse. You won’t lose anything by speaking to them and you might gain something. What do you have to lose? Trust me, I’ve supported women experiencing abuse for a number of years now and women’s aid would absolutely want to help you and would absolutely recognise the abuse you’re suffering.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

It’s just a very stressful situation to think the man I love is seeing escorts

You think you love him but what your actually experiencing is called a trauma bond. It’s extremely common with domestic abuse survivors and is part of the reason why so many stay in abusive relationships for so long. It’s all part of the cycle of abuse. Love bombing and rejection.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/ending-domestic-violence/what-is-trauma-bonding

You can’t think clearly because he has been gaslighting you for the last 17 years and making you doubt your own version of reality. Again, this is very common in abuse cases. This will be really hard for you just now as you process all this information and come out of the fog he’s had you surrounded by for all this time. Give yourself some grace. Take time to read the things I’ve posted for you. It will help you. You might also want to read this, unfortunately I don’t have a free link for this book.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Out-Fog-Confusion-Clarity-Narcissistic/dp/0999593528

You say you’re not afraid, just stressed. I think you need to start to acknowledge that your distress is manifesting within your nervous system as what you label as, “stress”. It’s your body’s way of expressing the distress your experiencing because you mind can’t process what’s actually happening. It’s too scary and you’ve been conditioned to think what’s happening to you isn’t that bad. You’ve been conditioned to see the version of reality he tells you. You need support to process all of this and make a plan for your future. Please, speak to women’s aid.

OP it is abuse.

Honestly, sorry for being brutal but he doesn't love you. Has never really loved you. Just uses you for his own comfort.

If he loses you he will have to do his own shopping and housework etc and he won't like that.

He thinks what's happening is fine ie he has his fun and you are there like a mother figure keeping house for him. A figure that he can use as a whipping boy and shout at when he's annoyed.

Get to womens aid as they can help you navigate this. You also need legal aid.

I'm not sure in England but in Scotland once you separate even if you're still living in the same house, you can claim benefits based on your income. That might help, I don't know.

Womens aid will know though.

Just make sure he doesn't start promising you the earth and you believing it.

You deserve better. The old you would just put up with that crap. The new you needs to get her ducks in a row.

Start looking through drawers and on the laptop for papers that prove his income pension investments mortgage info. You will need these.

Don't let him know you are doing this or he will start hiding money.

Don't discuss anything further with him. Even usually calm men can get violent when they realise their whipping boy is leaving. Keep your powder dry.

@Mexico2000 you need to speak to a solicitor before you do anything else.

Just because he renews the mortgage doesn't mean you will get the house. He can force a sale and then you'd be out on your arse anyway.

You need a good divorce lawyer who can advise you on what you can legally go after e.g. you stay in house until youngest is 18 and get a share of assets including his pension for the years you took off from your own career to be the primary care giver.

Once you have legal advice, you can make an informed decision.

Why have you not been to see a family lawyer?

You really need to see a family lawyer quite urgently. There are a number of things you’ve written that show you (understandably) don’t understand how divorce / separation works and the time it takes to get an agreement to be binding.

It can take many many months / years to get to the point of finalising a Financial Consent Order or a formal separation agreement if you decide not to divorce. In the interim your stbxh putting in writing that he will pay half the mortgage means eff all. To think you’d rely on the word of a man of this calibre is scary. He’s shown nothing but disregard for your health and your marriage.

As for thinking the court view the kids staying in the family home as a consideration / the default - not that simple at all! I was part of a HNW divorce and we had to sell the family home as part of the 45/55 division of assets and each buy our own smaller homes.

Please get some proper advice

Forgot to say, when you remortgage a house you tie in to a special rate for a specific period of time. Usually two or five years. If you sell during that time and don't move the mortgage to another property, you lose money as they fine you on a descending scale.

So you don't want him remortgaging and then selling six months later or whatever as he and therefore you will be worse off.

This is the first time I've not read the full thread; it's made me heave. Taking the amount of abuse over 17 years is unbelievable and OP must know what to do.