Would I be wrong to expect husband pay for everything and to not offer any compliments?

[Kitstar90]

I am 31 and he’s 41. Married for 3 years and no kids.

Background (before marriage).

Did not cohabit due to our faith.
Myself: Have been earning 6 figures, bought my own place (currently rented out). I had my own place before I even met my husband.

My husband also earns great but about 50k less than me. (Never been a problem to me).

Now when it came to getting married, the original plan was we would buy a house together.
However, my husband changed it and said he wanted to buy the house alone because he wanted an asset for himself as I already had my own asset.

He didn’t want us to split bills as he said he was happy to pay for the bills. I did say that I’m happy to contribute as living costs are quite high and don’t mind splitting. He thanked me but declined the offer.

We got married. My bills from before (my mortgage, insurances etc) I continued paying myself. I also pay for the upkeep of the house I’m renting out and overpay on that mortgage. I wouldn’t expect my husband to pay those bills.

My husband pays the mortgage on the house we live in (which will always remain his should we ever divorce), and pays the utilities.

I feel guilty that he pays all the bills whilst I’m also earning so I have been paying the water bills, pay for 90% of the groceries.
I also save a lot but I count it as OUR savings. I always pay for all holidays. He does offer to pay towards the holidays but I tell him not to worry as he’s paying for utilities and mortgage for when we live. I try and be fair.
Date nights- we take turns to pay.

In arguments my husband has told me to get out of his house and I don’t pay for anything (which isn’t true). We resolved that.

2 years into our marriage, I realised my husband was in debt because he had overspent by 12k in 6 month. It was all on pointless things such as clothing etc. I didn’t want him to pay interest on that as you get stuck in a cycle. I cleared his debt despite him not asking me for money. I also paid some utilities for few months to give him a break. He insisted on paying me back the 12k. He makes monthly payments to me.

He did ask me to help him manage his money better. So I did sit down and work out a plan with him.

But recently we had an argument which was about some random thing.
However he added:

• You’ve emasculated me by paying my debt off
• You act as if your better than me because of you earning more
• When you compliment me, it’s fake and I don’t fall for your crap
• You think your so special because everyone always compliments you

I was genuinely so shocked. I asked for examples? Maybe I’m doing something without realising so I can change my behaviour. But, he had none. I still did apologise as it was never my intent and wrongly assumed he would appreciate my help. Especially as after all the outgoings and him paying back me the 12k, he doesn’t have much left over. He roughly has 500 left over every month and I have about 3500 left over.

He also added I make everything into a competition between us. But reflecting on it, I think it’s him who does that. He’s the one who all of a sudden wanted his own asset, he’s the one that start overspending on clothes etc and commenting on how much stuff I have (which I cut down so he doesn’t feel away). He’s always complaining how others have fancy cars, go on holidays multiple times a year and manage with kids.

But I’m thinking from now on I should just let him pay for everything (I don’t mean my personal bills from before marriage) but things like holidays, groceries etc. Also to refrain from complimenting him.

I don’t know how to deal with this tbh.

Bluntly, this isn't marriage. Marriage is sharing and supporting one another. Money should be in one pot, with discussion about how it is spent

It sounds like he is threatened by you just because you are more financially successful. That's not the behaviour of a loving husband.

Money aside, do you actually like each other?!?

I know sometimes in arguments you can say things you don't mean, but his remarks seem thought through and suggest he holds you in absolute contempt.

In our religion and culture the money is kept separate. Religiously speaking, the man is responsible for all the bills and the woman’s money is hers.

Despite this, I did offer to split the bills at the very start but he declined. Just like I offered to go half’s on purchasing a house together and he also declined. And I already said the savings I make is ours. And I didn’t even ask for the 12k back. He’s insistent on paying it back.

I do love my husband and like him too. Hence why I was shocked that he came out with this and wanted to make it right. But he couldn’t give me examples nor elaborate.

Find someone else...or be on your own! Marriage / life doesn't have to be this hard.

He sounds like he can't handle the fact that you earn more than him. He wants to be the provider and is frankly jealous of your earning power. He is also too proud to accept your money as his.

Also, it seems there is an underlying misogyny. He wants to use money to control you but he can't so he feels powerless over you. This is alarming.

Be careful if you have children with this man and things go pear shaped.

He won't like it but the house you live in together is the marital property and he can't throw you out even if he is paying for everything and it's in his sole name. It will form a shared asset should you split.

Agree with pp that he obviously is very insecure and threatened by you and your higher income.

This kind of old fashioned set up just doesn't work in the modern world where the wife can be the higher earner. Don't you think it's ridiculous that you have to taylor your to his lower income and you have tens of thousands sloshing about?

Your options are...

Leave him

Convince him via counselling or negotiating that you have to share income in some way.

Considerably downgrade your lifestyles to something he can afford. While you do sensible things with your money. Water tight insurance policies for you both. Pensions for you both. Property, investments etc.

Unfortunately even with the above you just seem incompatible. He is spending over his means and won't accept help from you. One or both of these need to change or the relationship is doomed.

@Kitstar90 I felt him manage on his own and see how that works for him .
He is treating you horribly.

Maybe you tell him you think it’s time you are out on the mortgage/deeds and you can spoilt everything even holidays 50/50

Don't end up with joint bank accounts as he will end up controlling you. Right now he can’t and he hates it .

I agree with this.

Also OP, there’s a Muslim mumsnetters page on here if you wanted advice from those who may understand the cultural element too.

But regardless, he sounds like he can’t handle that you earn more than him.

Are you legally married in the UK? I only ask because you mention religion and culture. If you are he will have a claim in 50% of all your assets and you likewise his.

The rest of it sounds a mess tbh.

Could he be more jealous and insecure?

Your entire MN posting history is about struggling with problems in your relationship. That should give you some indication about its compatibility. You both sound miserable. Is it only your religious beliefs preventing you from calling it a day?

Using religion doesn't make it better or justify it, it is not a marriage but like thousands before you, you will just put up with it, same with the next generation

He really can’t handle that you earn more than him and are more successful than him. That’s the crux of the issue. If you had a non-threatening little job where you earned a bit of pin money then he’d be totally fine with it. You’re right - he is the one treating it like a competition. You have no need to as you’d clearly win.
I’d tell him that he has a choice - either he deals with his insecurities or you are out of there. Carry on saving and investing and if i were you I wouldn’t have kids with this tosser.
With men like him it literally only ever works if he can see the woman as inferior to him. Obviously with you earning so much more than him, he can’t do that.

Stop funding him! How are two people on good salaries with two assets arguing about money? I find this hard to understand. But stop bailing him out. You want separate finances, fine. Let him manage his own.

Just saw the other threads you’ve made. This guy is an abuser both physically and mentally and this money stuff is the least of your problems. He’s disgusting and you need to get out of there ASAP. Use your savings and rent yourself a really lovely flat until you can get back into your own place. You’re lucky that you have the means to leave. He’s already called you every name under the sun, thrown water in your face, pushed you, pulled your hair and dragged you out of bed. Leave before the violence gets worse.

Leave. Seriously. I say this as a potential person from your faith.

This is a toxic environment.
Don't bring children into it.

You can't fix this because the issue is with him. It sounds like you have done everything you can to be fair, and to try and act like the two of you are a team, but he is just not having it. Make sure whatever you do, you keep your financial independence, and don't put yourself in a position where you are financially relying on him.

Are you legally married @Kitstar90 ? If so the legal position on the house changes.

In our religion and culture the money is kept separate. Religiously speaking, the man is responsible for all the bills and the woman’s money is hers.

Then yes it does make sense to let him pay for everything. It will fit better within his beliefs system.
It might also feel better if you move in your house rather than his?

It’s the fact he can’t give you examples that shows he has no respect for you. It’s not an issue with what you do but how he feels about the stimulation - aka he married a woman who is earning more than him and he feels emasculated.
And he has made that a YOU problem rather than a ME problem iyswim

The problem is there is nothing you can do about that.
I have to wonder why he chose to marry you if he can’t cope with you earning so much more than him.

If you are legally married in The UK this isn't the case though.
Both houses are marital assets .
It seems that your H has an issue with you earning more than him whicle still enjoying the results of that, I imagine there may be culture at play here but it would piss me right off if my DH was like that.
At times I earned more than him and I am about to get a decent and unexpected inheritance while he now earns triple what I do and we both consider everything to be OURS

Sounds like he wants a 'little wife'.

Three options -

1. He continues to pay for everything but you downgrade your lifestyle (he clearly can't afford the lifestyle has been paying for because he went into debt). So you both live a more restrained life than you could otherwise afford to save his ego.
2. He allows you to contribute more to you joint living costs and he finds away to get over the feeling of being emasculated 🙄
3. You split up.

Personally I couldn't be with someone who forces himself into a dominate financial situation and then throws it back in my face telling me to 'get out of his house'. I also couldn't have any respect for someone who felt emasculated by his wife paying for stuff.