Would I be wrong to expect husband pay for everything and to not offer any compliments?

[Kitstar90]

I am 31 and he’s 41. Married for 3 years and no kids.

Background (before marriage).

Did not cohabit due to our faith.
Myself: Have been earning 6 figures, bought my own place (currently rented out). I had my own place before I even met my husband.

My husband also earns great but about 50k less than me. (Never been a problem to me).

Now when it came to getting married, the original plan was we would buy a house together.
However, my husband changed it and said he wanted to buy the house alone because he wanted an asset for himself as I already had my own asset.

He didn’t want us to split bills as he said he was happy to pay for the bills. I did say that I’m happy to contribute as living costs are quite high and don’t mind splitting. He thanked me but declined the offer.

We got married. My bills from before (my mortgage, insurances etc) I continued paying myself. I also pay for the upkeep of the house I’m renting out and overpay on that mortgage. I wouldn’t expect my husband to pay those bills.

My husband pays the mortgage on the house we live in (which will always remain his should we ever divorce), and pays the utilities.

I feel guilty that he pays all the bills whilst I’m also earning so I have been paying the water bills, pay for 90% of the groceries.
I also save a lot but I count it as OUR savings. I always pay for all holidays. He does offer to pay towards the holidays but I tell him not to worry as he’s paying for utilities and mortgage for when we live. I try and be fair.
Date nights- we take turns to pay.

In arguments my husband has told me to get out of his house and I don’t pay for anything (which isn’t true). We resolved that.

2 years into our marriage, I realised my husband was in debt because he had overspent by 12k in 6 month. It was all on pointless things such as clothing etc. I didn’t want him to pay interest on that as you get stuck in a cycle. I cleared his debt despite him not asking me for money. I also paid some utilities for few months to give him a break. He insisted on paying me back the 12k. He makes monthly payments to me.

He did ask me to help him manage his money better. So I did sit down and work out a plan with him.

But recently we had an argument which was about some random thing.
However he added:

• You’ve emasculated me by paying my debt off
• You act as if your better than me because of you earning more
• When you compliment me, it’s fake and I don’t fall for your crap
• You think your so special because everyone always compliments you

I was genuinely so shocked. I asked for examples? Maybe I’m doing something without realising so I can change my behaviour. But, he had none. I still did apologise as it was never my intent and wrongly assumed he would appreciate my help. Especially as after all the outgoings and him paying back me the 12k, he doesn’t have much left over. He roughly has 500 left over every month and I have about 3500 left over.

He also added I make everything into a competition between us. But reflecting on it, I think it’s him who does that. He’s the one who all of a sudden wanted his own asset, he’s the one that start overspending on clothes etc and commenting on how much stuff I have (which I cut down so he doesn’t feel away). He’s always complaining how others have fancy cars, go on holidays multiple times a year and manage with kids.

But I’m thinking from now on I should just let him pay for everything (I don’t mean my personal bills from before marriage) but things like holidays, groceries etc. Also to refrain from complimenting him.

I don’t know how to deal with this tbh.

He can't handle you earning more. It's not going to get better unless you earn less than him.

I'd have a chat about what life is going to look like going forward when this is addressed head on.

You don't have to live together you know. It's fine to have a marriage with separate houses. I've seen them work quite well.

I don't think your set up is unreasonable - not every marriage has to split everything 50/50 and have joint accounts. You are wise to keep some money and assets for yourself. He sounds very insecure. It screams from your post that he isn't happy about you earning more than him and therefore in his eyes having a higher status. He is jealous. Not nice, is it? You are doing your best to sort this out but he is too immature to accept you as an equal, basically. Marriage is a partnership of two people with different talents that want to be together and make their partnership work.

He is absolutely pissed off that you earn more than him and feels threatened by that. Such men hate women too, ALL of them.

You may well love him but you may well be confusing that for being codependent. What is there to love about this man anyway?.

Was this an arranged marriage?.

What is actively stopping or otherwise preventing you from leaving your abuser?.

This is the least of your problems - There is no resolution to a marriage with a man who in your previous threads you’ve said
dragged you out of bed by your hair
calls you abusive names
etc etc ..
he’s abusive and vile . You need to leave x

Are you legally married?

Money shouldn't be in one pot in everyone's world @RedHelenB, especially if one has assets and savings which predate the relationship!

That aside, I think that if you love him enough to continue the relationship (?), then you should consider renting out his property you both live in and buy a house jointly.

Sorry but the things he say to you are not ok. He clearly hates women. And newsflash, you're a woman. He's treating you with contempt. There's no fixing that. Just, run.

Considering you have your own place you pay for I wouldn't see him paying for your current living place to be an issue. But... he's not paying for things in a husband-y 'to take care of you' way. He's made it clear he's protecting his interests in case of divorce.

Now that in of itself wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing...but the way he's presenting it is pretty horrible. Even though he pays bills, he somehow still manages to be a using jerk.

He's not a nice man. The bare minimum a partner should be is a nice human being.

And please consult a solicitor to protect your assets. He ringfenses his own money and place, do the same for yourself. Your money is NOT his money. He can't manage his money. Don't let him piss away yours. Be smart like him and protect your interests.

Ideally get out of this marriage. Men who hate women are not men to marry.

And that first part is exactly what he wants. Op to feel like she has to quit her job and become more vulnerable. Possibly for her to have to sell her house. He wants her reliant on him so he can abuse her further and sge will feel trapped.

Then how could you not foresee the issues of you earning so much more if your culture says the man should pay?

Also op, the word gets used a lot but he really is a textbook narcissist (as in- narcisstic personality disorder)

The making everything a competition is a dead give away. As is the 'you think you're so special' (ick) and basically accusing you of doing/saying/thinking what THEY think. That and the fixation on other people having more but not being deserving of it. And the spending on things (designer?) that make him look important.

Doctor ramani on YouTube is a good watch regarding spotting these sort of people. Learn up...and run!

Oh my god. how on earth can you be in love with a person who treats you like this OP?

Your husband is acting really weird. As if he doesnt actually like you or trust you.
How well did you know each other before getting married?

He feels inadequate
he resents your successes

there is literally nothing you can do to fix this.

the only thing you can do is try and make yourself smaller and “less” which if it works at all, will only work on the very very short term and will probably start and cycle of abuse if you aren’t already in one which you probably are tbh (Ie PLEASE don’t do this)

he needs therapy and a budget
you sound fine, carry on as you are

If it's your culture that the man pays and he can't really afford to pay for everything I can understand him feeling emasculated, he's not doing what his culture says he should be able to as a man. I don't know whether you can discuss that this is not the culture you are living in and it doesn't make him less of a man if you are partners in the finances.

If you stop paying for things he is going to get into debt again. I would try to keep paying or arrange to pay a fixed amount a month into a joint account to be used for bills. It really needs for him to have a change of attitude though, do you have friends from the same culture that share the finances more equally that you could use as examples of how it is OK to do it that way.

He's not very nice, is he? His behaviour is pushing quite a few boundaries, raising up the red flags.

And in a marriage, neither of you would necessarily get to keep your houses separate - there would need to be a determination of what is marital property. Unless it's a short marriage, that is.

I hope you're not not-thinking about divorce because of your religious beliefs, but I fear you are stuck if you stay married. Whatever you do, don't have children with this man.