Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, am I just being stupid.........

28 replies

greeneyedgirl · 27/04/2008 16:50

.....To be annoyed/worried about this? Spent Sat night and today with new DP, last night fine, all's well. But today I was hardly spoken to, sat watching TV all day whilst he is pretty much silent and then texting someone for an hour or so. No hand holding or even the odd peck all day. I must admit I was feeling rather unsure and unwanted, as I felt he just didn't want me there at all, so I left earlier than I intended. He asked if anything was was wrong and I just said no I had to go, pick up dd from her Dad's etc.

My last relationship was pretty crap as the guy couldn't decide what he wanted and went alternately hot and cold and I really don't want to go through this again, as it really hammered my self esteem. Before today the relationship has been mostly fine (although a few niggles have started in my mind, but I just put that down to being oversensitive, although now I am wondering!), but I just feel that maybe I deserve a bit more effort, or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 27/04/2008 16:57

how long have you been with him? Rings bells for me...there's nothing wrong with just 'hanging out' without doing anything in particular, but I've been in similar situations before, and it's lonely and not fun. Tends to be selfish men who want a GF but no 'inconvenience' to their life.

lou33 · 27/04/2008 16:57

How long have you been seeing him? Did you ask him if there was anything wrong?

Could he have just felt tired and hungover from last night?

zippitippitoes · 27/04/2008 16:59

dont think id like that at all

if you dont live together and you are together i would expect to be relating to each other

policywonk · 27/04/2008 17:00

I don't think you're being stupid, but you should have told him what was wrong when he asked. He can't do anything about it if he doesn't know what the problem is. Next time you speak to him, tell him what you felt. If he thinks you're stupid for wanting physical affection or attention, then he's not the man for you, is he?

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 27/04/2008 17:04

Nearly 4 months. He didn't have a hangover, but works very hard and very long hours, I suppose he may have just been tired. But I felt really awkward being there, usually we can talk very easily, but today, he hardly even looked at me. I feel quite hurt and rather rejected actually, I am supposed to be spending next weekend with him too, but I am not sure if I should now.

I really want to be with him as he is a lovely person, but I am so terrified of getting hurt again that I am wondering if I should just back off.

OP posts:
Fllight · 27/04/2008 17:05

Sorry but he sounds awfully rude.

Sitting there ignoring you could be several things.
a) he is not really that 'into' you and can't think of anything to say. (Texting someone else is very bad form in this situation)
b) he is trying to make you fed up so you leave him, because he is too crap to end the relationship and wants out
c) he wants you as a 'girlfriend' but not to hang around with, which to me equates with no relationship at all really.

I think he is being an arse and quite possibly is trying to hint.

What are your other niggles?

Fllight · 27/04/2008 17:07

I don't think you should have said what was wrong. I am betting he knew exactly what was wrong. Men can be such cowards.

I might be wrong but it doesn't sound great if he was sitting there texting someone else.

Fllight · 27/04/2008 17:08

Also he might be offended with you about something and expecting you to ask what;s up so he can have it out with you...which is also a bit crap of him, but he might have got the wrong end of the stick about something you said etc?

Either way he needs to be clearer.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 27/04/2008 17:08

You're right Policy, but I wasn't really sure how to broach the subject without sounding like a whinging attention seeker. Starting to wonder if it's just the sex he wants, although he continously tells me this isn't so...although saying that he didn't want that today either, all my advances were rejected, even my attempts at a good old snog were rebuffed. I am so confused.

OP posts:
policywonk · 27/04/2008 17:12

Talk to him. What have you got to lose - a relationship with a man who isn't very nice to you? If he's the sort of man who doesn't want to communicate or be affectionate, why should you care if he thinks you're clingy or attention-seeking?

Call him up and tell him that you left early because you felt that he didn't really want you there, and that sitting on the sofa being ignored while he texts his mates isn't your idea of a good Sunday. He will either be upset that he has made you feel like this, or he will have a good reason for having been crap, or he will think you're a clingy bitch, in which case he's an arse and you're well rid of him.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 27/04/2008 17:12

Flight, that is what I was worried about too, I wonder if I have done, or am doing something to annoy him. I am pretty sure he probably reallised I was fed up, which is why I left early, he almost looked relieved when I left. I am just wondering what on earth has happened and whether I should just cut my losses (and give him what he may want) and get out of the relationship. Popping out for a bit, will read replies when I get back.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 27/04/2008 17:23

so he didnt even kiss you today well that sounds quite rubbish

Fllight · 27/04/2008 17:31

I think if you had done something terrible you would know, and even if you had, his way of handling it, if that's what he was doing, was pathetic and not straightforward.

I'm so sorry but my bets are on him just not wanting you there, as you felt that way I would trust that instinct.

Sadly I have been there and known several men do that trick - if they do want to be with you it is then a way of being controlling - my last ex used to sit there in my house and sulk, silently, and when he realised I was looking at him nervously, he would cast me a cynical, 'bright' smile and then look back at the telly and continue to sulk.

He never told me what was wrong, it was always a way of getting me to be nervous around him and treading on eggshells, thinking I was annoying him or whatever. He was a mentally abusive b**tard if I had only realised.

I'm sorry, especially if your boyfriend seemed very nice. What else was troubling you, that you dismissed?

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 27/04/2008 17:59

Well, just stuff, I have spent Sundays with him before and he has been similar, is always fine the evening before. Also, I have noticed, he doesn't pay me as many compliments as he used to, but I put that down to just being more comfortable and not feeling he had to try so hard.

Today was much different than any other time I have spent with him, I think the tension was almost solid (at least to me anyhow). He did kiss me before we got up, but after that it was pretty much, monosyllabic conversation or complete silence until I left when he kissed me again. He kept saying at intervals, sorry if you're bored.

Last night he was much different, all over me, very talkative, more his usual self. I am so upset, I feel like I am doing something wrong for men to treat me like this. What's even more upsetting is that he seemed so different from other guys and I started to really fall for him. Do you think I should get out?

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 27/04/2008 18:01

sounds like he thinks you should leave after breakfast

you will have to talk to him

controlfreakyagain · 27/04/2008 18:09

when you were haveing a good time with him sat evening didnt you discuss plans for today at all? what do you think his expectations were? had he said "will you hang out with me on sunday?" at any time, did you just assume this is what he wanted or what? i think after 4 months if this is going anywhere you should be able to comunicate with each other about things like this.... you need to talk with him sharpish you know or rhis is going to fester...

Fllight · 27/04/2008 18:14

Oh dear, The 'sorry if you are bored' bit has bells ringing for me. It's like he wants to be on his own.

Perhaps he does really like you but just doesn't want to be with you all weekend - maybe he needs a bit of his own space and doesn't expect you to want to stay all day?

Maybe he just needs some time to be alone especially if he works long hours. He does sound like he's hinting heavily.

Not necessarily doomed but you'll need to discuss it and find out how he feels and what's precipitating this behaviour.

The other stuff doesn't sound bad. Compliments do ease off after a while.

Fllight · 27/04/2008 18:17

Although reading your OP again, presumably he has had Saturday to himself as well?

This means he wants you for one evening and night, but not during the day.

Oh dear. I don't think I'd be content with that level of contact. I'd feel like a bed buddy really.

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 27/04/2008 18:17

Well we were supposed to be going out into town, nothing major, his suggestion. Then, this morning he said he didn't feel like it and did I mind? I said, no I am quite happy to hang out etc.

He is usually very good with communication and it is me that has problems, I find it very hard when I want to say something that I feel leaves me vulnerable and open, so hence why I didn't say anything today. Which in retrospect is pathetic of me. I think he is fed up with me, maybe I am just not the person he wants me to be.

If he doesn't want to be with me, why doesn't he just dump me? I have had no calls/texts since I left, which isn't unusual, but I feel like I should be expecting the worst. And if he doesn't end it with me I am not sure what to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 27/04/2008 18:18

He works Saturdays, but he invited me to stay on Sunday, so what do I make of that?

OP posts:
Fllight · 27/04/2008 18:24

I don't know Greeneyedgirl.

If he invited you and then behaved like that, that is really rude of him.

Is there any way you could actually ring him and ask directly? Say you felt uncomfortable and are afraid he wants to be rid of you, and would he mind putting your mind at rest by explaining why no conversation or snogging was had?

Try to be confident when you ask, don't be fobbed off.

I don't know what to make of it at all.
I hope you an find out from him, it isn't good for you to be worrying so much. xx

Original poster
greeneyedgirl · 27/04/2008 18:42

We usually speak every night, so I will talk to him later, but I guess the thing is that I am scared to ask in case I receive the answer I don't want.

He is alot lovelier than he sounds in this thread, which is why I am so concerned about today. Thanks for making me feel that I am not blowing this out of proportion, I really don't want to break up and I am feeling quite scared of what will happen.

OP posts:
Fllight · 27/04/2008 19:02

Oh you poor thing...he should be more direct with you though. Don't blame yourself. xx Hope it goes OK.

littlewoman · 27/04/2008 19:08

Greeneyedgirl, you should be willing to split up with someone who ignores you all day long. Ignoring somebody is very bad manners, for whatever reason he is doing it. I would suggest you find out exactly where you stand. If he doesn't want you any more, that's because he is a fickle bastard, it does not mean anything bad about you, I promise. Set your mind at rest, and expect the kind of treatment you deserve. That's your best hope of getting it.

Dior · 27/04/2008 19:18

Message withdrawn