Me and Coworker have deep feelings but both in relationships

[SillyBillie91]

Hi.

First time posting on here, so please be kind as this is a delicate situation. Just looking for some support and guidance.

I started a new job recently and a co worker caught my eye. I am Female and Lesbian as is my co worker. We noticed each other but never really crossed paths until 3/4 weeks ago. She needed help with some legal stuff and I have experience and knowledge on the subject. We exchanged numbers for this reason. From here we started texting about the issue then it became more friendly. It got very deep very quickly about past trauma, our relationships, hopes and dreams etc. Never was it sexual.
We both identified we weren't getting the support needed from our partners and acknowledged that no affair would begin despite having a very strong emotional and sexual attraction.

We arranged to go for coffee to have a chat about all this away from work but my coworkers partner saw the text and has forbidden my co worker to contact me. This person just thinks I'm an average coworker. I was informed that her relationship is very controlling and I suspect there may be some domestic abuse occurring as I've noticed bruises on arms and burn in hand.

So we don't text anymore, but we see each other numerous times a day and seek each other out. We had a big chat and my coworker said it's a timing issue and logistics were difficult. I can relate as same for me. She said she is confused about leaving her current relationship for me. We haven't had the opportunity to really spend quality time as her partner has ensured that can't happen due to control and has stopped this from taking off.

I've been in an emotional rollercoaster, and I wanna let this go but we have strong feelings.

Please help.

And your partner ???

Your colleague’s partner’s spidey senses are tingling, rightly so. In that scenario, it’s not controlling for her to not want to meet a new colleague who she has a connection with. That’s a solid boundary and one your colleague (and you) should have been willing to put in place with a partner saying so.

If you aren’t fulfilled in your current relationship, end it. But this usually ends one way and I suspect you’re already past the part of listening to logic.

Leave your partner and consider your options. You are stringing your partner along , regardless of what happens with co worker. It’s tough, I understand, but you sound like you need some changes in your life.

Get a new job

Whats the question? Same for anyone straight or gay. You either split up from your partners or you dont. It's only morals and willpower stopping humanity from fucking anything that by God moves.

You should probably be on your own.

Usual bollocks, 'strong connection', 'no support from partners', blah blah blah, stop making excuses op, you clearly want to cheat

What support and guidance do you want?
Dump your girlfriend, be single, then date. Seems straightforward.

You didn't cross paths until 3/4 weeks in? Your feelings are just superficial at this stage. Focus on either ending or improving your relationship without this person in the picture.

End things with your partner. Simple as that, if your eyes are wondering then it's over. Set the poor lass free.

You are already having an emotional affair which is not fair on either of your partners. End your relationship with your partner. You’ve done her wrong. How would you feel if she had played you for a mug like this? End it and then see where you’re at. I assume you’re only with your partner because it’s easier for you. Cake and eat it comes to mind. And next time, find another person who isn’t already in a relationship as well. You won’t get any favour from me. What you and this woman are doing is wrong. If you want to be together, fine. But go about it the right way. End your current relationships and then be together. It’s not rocket science. And if it doesn’t work out, don’t try to go crawling back to your poor partner who you’ve done the dirty on. Don’t try and minimise it by saying you’ve not had anything physical yet. Only reason it’s not gone that far is that you’ve not had the opportunity. And in any case, an emotional affair is as bad if not worse. You should really be ashamed of yourselves.

Either stop it or if you can't find another job

I don't understand your problem really.

You shouldn't be in your relationship so that's something you need to deal with.

You haven't spent any quality time with your colleague so you can't know how you feel about her. Especially as you are in a relationship.

If your colleague is in a controlling relationship then that's a separate issue really. I don't think that you, somebody who has romantic feelings towards her, are the right person to advise her.

Your partner deserves better.

You know that joke/cliche about lesbian couples and their speed of getting serious? You're doing that, and it's really not healthy. Aside from the fact you're both in other relationships.

Sounds intense. Try reading the many threads here on limerance and work place obsessions.

You’ve shown a huge amount of ‘concern’ for your poor, sweet, innocent coworker, her trauma and possible abuse, your intense connection and your hopes and dreams - and how she’s admitted she needs more from her partner.

Yet you haven’t said a single decent thing about your partner in this post - who presumably also needs more from her partner (you) as he is heavily emotionally invested elsewhere.

Your post reads like a list of excuses thinly disguised as feelings, and coming to MN essentially for permission to continue or amp up this emotional affair?!

If you haven’t come for permission, then why else are you here - because you absolutely know it’s wrong.

Look up definitions of emotional affairs and reflect on your conversations with this coworker.

I am boggling at a simple legal question descending into over sharing about past trauma with someone that at this point in time (so less when you were over sharing) you’ve only been on speaking terms with for “3/4 weeks”.

you both need more boundaries and professionalism.

Where's your partner in this? Do their feelings not matter?

Well the first step for both of you is to end your relationship with the unsupportive partners and rent / lodge separately as neither of you are happy in your relationships and your partner's deserve better

Then maybe pursue a relationship together. You should feel terrible hedging your bets on the off chance she acts on it. Let your partner be with someone who wants her.

One or both of you is a selfish narcissistic egomaniac.

End things with your partner before you seek out someone else.

By the way, expecting your partner to heal your trauma is not fair. Do your own healing and grow up a bit.

“We haven't had the opportunity to really spend quality time as her partner has ensured that can't happen due to control and has stopped this from taking off.”

Or because they don’t want their partner to have an affair?

Your sexual preferences are irrelevant.
If you are not happy in your current relationship then have the decency to talk to your partner and tell them the truth.

If your colleague is in an abusive relationship, then they need support and help in order to be able to deal with that, and possibly to leave their abuser.

Please don't cloud their issue with your own personal feelings.