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Original poster

signing pre nups before marriage

55 replies

Charlie12023 · 13/11/2024 14:59

Hi, I was just wondering what everyone's views were on this were?

I have met a lovely man, and we are totally in love, he has been married twice, one cheated on him and the other had a drink problem in the end and was going through a lot of issues with her family. He ended up leaving the house to this ex mother of his son and she took quite a chunk out of his pension but since then he has been able to get it back and earn it back himself as he works hard, earns a three figure salary, owns a house etc and very stable. So for him he isnt phased by loss more so she took a lot!!

I have never been married, engaged twice but not gone through with either, he has lost more financially than I have, when I left my last ex, I just didnt sign anything when we bought our house and ended up having to give him my deposit for a house, when we old our house a few years ago.

Since then my dad is forever saying ok next time you buy with anyone, sign something which makes sense and I said I would.

My partner now is very fair with his exes and generous as well as with myself on all accounts. However I am more cautious.

I have a house with a few hundred equity in it and my parents are financially secure too, they would leave me a lot also, so i would say we are kind of equal but I just dont earn as much as he does. I also dont have a pension just my house and parents inheritance which is a lot too and would give me a nice future.

Now i mentioned a pre nup, he has said no it doesnt matter, as this makes out I can see us splitting up, I said no its because of what I lost with the house re the ex, he said well I lost more and was still fair after my 15 year marriage. He doesnt seem to be too phased by signing anything, whereas even though I have kind of less, he says whats his is mine and wants to build a future.

I cant seem to get past this and its kind of bothering me plus I like to be sensible.

Any suggestions how to approach it without falling out lol.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 13/11/2024 15:08

Why are you getting married? It is a serious question because marriage is about a whole set of financial/contractual stuff and you aren’t on the same page with that at all

BleachedJumper · 13/11/2024 15:10

Do you have children? Do you want to have children?

Original poster
Charlie12023 · 13/11/2024 15:11

BleachedJumper · 13/11/2024 15:10

Do you have children? Do you want to have children?

I dont have children no, he has 2, one is 23, the other is 15. I dont want children no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie12023 · 13/11/2024 15:14

Tiswa · 13/11/2024 15:08

Why are you getting married? It is a serious question because marriage is about a whole set of financial/contractual stuff and you aren’t on the same page with that at all

I would love to marry him he makes me happy, and vice versa, I have never felt this way about someone and can see myself with him but this is the 1st time in all our time together we have discuss pre nups, or more like I have.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 13/11/2024 15:14

Absolutely ring fence all that you bring into the marriage (and he should do the same).

If he doesn't accept it, don't marry him.

GettingStuffed · 13/11/2024 15:15

Pre nups aren't recognised in the UK

LadyGabriella · 13/11/2024 15:16

Pre- nups are not binding in England anyway. Just don’t marry him.

MessyNeate · 13/11/2024 15:17

Pre nups aren't a thing in the UK... ring fence your money in your house.

MamaBear2210T · 13/11/2024 15:18

You can get a prenup in the UK. It's up to the judge to take it into consideration.

Nn9011 · 13/11/2024 15:21

Are you in the UK? Prenups are a thing but they aren't really held to the same level as say the US so they can be disregarded in divorce. If buying property, you can sign documents with your solicitor to agree ownership percentage and to protect each side of the deposit should you split or sell. You can ask your conveyancing solicitor to help when making the purchase.

Original poster
Charlie12023 · 13/11/2024 15:24

Nn9011 · 13/11/2024 15:21

Are you in the UK? Prenups are a thing but they aren't really held to the same level as say the US so they can be disregarded in divorce. If buying property, you can sign documents with your solicitor to agree ownership percentage and to protect each side of the deposit should you split or sell. You can ask your conveyancing solicitor to help when making the purchase.

Thank you, yes this is what i would like to do when we buy together, I would like to sign something to say this is what I put down as there will be a large chunk of a few hundred, he is not wanting to sign anything, its more this, I am in the UK yes! My worry is come to buying and asking him to sign he wont, so hence why i want to have this so called talk beforehand with him which is kind of not on the same page yet.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 13/11/2024 15:24

@Charlie12023 You really should insist on a pre nup if you have greater equity. Don’t? I’m not clear. I’ve no idea why you gave money to someone you were not married to! Why? I can see why your dad might be worried.

A pre nup is not legally binding but do inform decision making should a divorce occur. The fact he doesn’t want one would give me cause for concern. My DD is a family law barrister and a pre nup (so I’m told) gives some clarity regarding what the parties thought was fair at the outset. It’s also not unusual with an imbalance of equity going into a joint relationship. You can also draw one up for his money too. It covers both parties.

A pre nup has less resonance with dc because they must be provided for and a long term marriage will even everything up. I would evaluate what each of you bring to the marriage financially. If you don’t want DC, is marriage worth it? If you do, then marriage is a consideration but look at finances accurately.

TwoTuesday · 13/11/2024 15:29

Do you need to marry him? You can buy a house jointly and set out who owns what share, as pp have said, without marrying. But make sure his kids can't turf you out if the worst happens. Or keep your own property to rent out and buy a new one together?

Nn9011 · 13/11/2024 15:29

Charlie12023 · 13/11/2024 15:24

Thank you, yes this is what i would like to do when we buy together, I would like to sign something to say this is what I put down as there will be a large chunk of a few hundred, he is not wanting to sign anything, its more this, I am in the UK yes! My worry is come to buying and asking him to sign he wont, so hence why i want to have this so called talk beforehand with him which is kind of not on the same page yet.

Show quote history

Yes you definitely need to be on the same page before putting in an offer. It might be helpful to ask why he isn't so keen. But definitely don't marry or do anything that can effect you legally before you come to an agreement.

OneRealRosePlayer · 13/11/2024 15:38

As others have said prenups are not legally binding in the uk. It is taken into account but the only cases it is fully enforced are those with very short marriaged and where your finances are completely separate (no joint houses or bank accounts or anything).

If you are worried, can you maybe have a declaration of love. No marriage certificate but you have the celebration

caringcarer · 13/11/2024 15:44

Keep your own house and rent it out. Keep it separate. Buy a house together, live together. If you marry everything you have can be taken into account by the judge.

Tiswa · 13/11/2024 15:45

I would caution then against marriage - most of what you need if not having children can be sorted - and with the house buying absolutely ring fence yiur money and protect it all.

marriage isn’t a romantic notion st all it is joining together on a contractual levels that you simply don’t want - a pre nup simply annuls that

samanthablues · 13/11/2024 15:53

What do you gain by marrying this man? You can be perfectly happy together without government intervention.

LadyGabriella · 13/11/2024 15:55

They exist and of course you can have one drawn up, but they are not legally binding like they are in America. For example if you have children or the marriage is long, a judge can just discount them completely. If OP is after peace of mind, a UK prenup won’t give her that.

Soontobeunemployed · 13/11/2024 15:55

That’s strange. It’s giving you enough of a red flag for you to just pause and re think.

  1. he’s got kids, surely he would like to ringfence his contribution so that it will be passed on to his kids? Statistically women outlive men so you may outlive him and decide to leave assets/ money to your family rather than his children. It is for your protection as much as it is for him

  2. pre nup is to agree the principle of things while you guys are in a good place, when the relationship sours, you cannot count on the other party to behave reasonably and not vindictive

Opentooffers · 13/11/2024 15:56

Why not just have both your names on the deeds to a joint house and put in an equal amount of money to buy it? Then you both own 50/50. You sound like you are overcomplicating things. You can live happily together for the rest of your lives. You say you want to get married, but the purpose of that is to legally join finances, which is the one thing neither of you want to do. You could change your name to his, you could decide to wear rings, you could even have a non-legal celebration of your union. You have it in your power to share all the relationship side of married life without combining finances. You can draw up wills to protect each other. If you are both sure you want to be together forever, there's nothing that a legal marriage will add.

hadenoughofplayinggames · 13/11/2024 15:58

Why not sign one? There’s nothing to lose by doing so.

It just means you leave with what you came with, so neither of you is any worse off.

If you never split up, you never need it anyway, so no harm done by having one!

TakeMeDancing · 13/11/2024 16:00

samanthablues · 13/11/2024 15:53

What do you gain by marrying this man? You can be perfectly happy together without government intervention.

If she’s his wife, she won’t pay inheritance tax when he dies.

TakeMeDancing · 13/11/2024 16:01

Opentooffers · 13/11/2024 15:56

Why not just have both your names on the deeds to a joint house and put in an equal amount of money to buy it? Then you both own 50/50. You sound like you are overcomplicating things. You can live happily together for the rest of your lives. You say you want to get married, but the purpose of that is to legally join finances, which is the one thing neither of you want to do. You could change your name to his, you could decide to wear rings, you could even have a non-legal celebration of your union. You have it in your power to share all the relationship side of married life without combining finances. You can draw up wills to protect each other. If you are both sure you want to be together forever, there's nothing that a legal marriage will add.

Edited

You don’t pay inheritance tax when your spouse dies.