MNHQ agreed to post a TL:DR
UPDATE Much requested... TLDR 18 month relationship My partner has severe anxiety/PTSD which I am desperate to help her overcome I have a significant amount of money that I haven't told her about We're considering buying a house together now I want to manage revealing my wealth to her to make sure she is able to focus on recovery How do I manage the above?
Hi there,
A quick disclaimer: I must confess to not being a parent. This is a relationship topic, and I’ve posted here because there will certainly be a great deal of wisdom amongst you all on that topic. Thanks
I’m a 41 year old man. I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for a year and a half now. We have a whole lot in common and life together has on the whole been a really enriching experience. She’s brought out an awful lot in me that I cherish, helped me to calm down some poor social habits (too much socializing, an inconstructive relationship with alcohol, not prioritizing valuable friendships rather than fleeting ones), allowed me to deepen my spiritual practice and introduced me to a lot of interesting avenues of enquiry. I love her. I think, to the best of my ability as a somewhat emotionally unintelligent man, that we are in love and she offers me an awful lot of hope for the future- I never want it to end.
At the same time, there have been great rafts of pain, suffering and heartache for both of us. A lot of it is based in her mental and emotional wellbeing, or lack thereof. I’m sorry if I express anything insensitively or incorrectly. There is a huge gulf in our respective emotional intelligences. Defining, framing and communicating about these matters is a struggle for me. I think it would be for anyone, but this is my longest relationship (1.5 years), I have previously really struggled to make connections with people due to very emotionally withdrawn parents and moving around quite a bit as a youngster, so I have had to try to step up to the plate on those fronts a lot, not to mention the complicated nature of the conditions in play, which are, largely I would say, the domain of a professional.
She suffers from Generalised Anxiety Disorder and, I, my therapist and, she to a large extent herself, believe, PTSD, due to having a neglectful alcoholic father and a mother who was emotionally absent, despite tending to her and her sisters’ basic needs. Our therapist also believes it probably goes back to emotional absence at the very early stages of child rearing. We are open to this idea but as yet uncommitted (we’ve been getting counselling (she has had many attempts in the past) for about three months (separately, though with the same woman)).
The anxiety takes the form of relationship anxiety, health anxiety and social anxiety in the main. I could go on for a long time about the insecurity, instability and conflict that it has brought to us, but I’ll try to move beyond that to a different topic.
In recent months, I continue to go to therapy, whilst she has taken a break to finish her studies. I consider myself stable, working on my emotional intelligence and how to support her, but there continues to be a lot of challenges ahead for her. Her anxiety (which has PTSD at its roots, caused by severe difficulties during her childhood) is very very strong, most recently manifesting itself with continual fears about her health, as well as the stress of finishing her PhD.
She struggles to be alone, particularly when I am not at work, and we don’t have a lot of friends, which means I am her primary source of human contact and I often feel the strain of a full time job, housework and being there for her, leaving less time than I would wish for my own life, and an inability to spend time alone at short notice without upsetting her. At the same time, she is reluctant to mingle with many people due to health concerns, so we don’t often go out and socialize. Having said that, things are more often than not really nice and improving.
The very hardest part for sure for me is seeing her suffer and finding the hope of her recovery quite remote at times if I am honest. I want to experience so many things with her and for her to make things happen in her own life which are being denied by a cruel condition. I have tried to reintroduce the idea of therapy to her but she is disparaging of our former therapist, who has been open with me that she doesn’t believe my partner has reached a point where she is really ready to look recovery in the eye, believe it can happen and face up to the past to banish it forever. I am under no illusions that that single sentence could require years of concerted effort and support and will be so so hard. I do not take that for granted whatsoever. She is truly damaged deep down and very fragile. At the same time I fear the long arduous road myself. She tells me she will work in the future and I think that may help her but it may also be really hard. Beyond anything else, I need to see her commit to therapy and recovery, both for herself and for hope for parity and balance in the relationship as time goes on- there’s no doubt that I am currently bearing more of the burden of making a life together and that feels hard to envisage in the very long term. She is so smart, genuinely strong and has loving supportive people around her. She can do it. Day to day, though, she is very often just getting by.
This bring me to my current dilemma. I have made a significant sum of money through investments in the last few years but have never told her about it. Enough to buy a house, support her and probably, if well managed, so that neither of us have to work for the rest of our lives. I should add that I don’t wish to give up my job. I enjoy it, and I would probably cut down to two or three days a week and enjoy a slower pace of life, but still be a highly motivated and active person ideally pursuing creative projects on the side and trying to give back- I believe that’s what a responsible person should work towards. We won’t be having children. I would also like to travel more, as would my girlfriend, though I see that as difficult right now given her struggles. Also, there are differences between our attachment to things. Whilst not very materialistic, I think she would have no trouble spending a lot of the money, whilst I am very frugal and would prefer to give a lot of it away or use it to start a benevolent project.
As I have said though, the main focus for me is her recovery, so the main question I have is: how can I manage my/our wealth and knowledge of it to best benefit my partner?
- I am scared that if I reveal it, she will relax and believe she doesn’t need to work on recovery. I’m scared she will know she can expect me to support her and so not need do the work to get better. I am led to believe that unfortunately only pain is the real driver to recovery. Ultimately, she may well expect that I view it as an equal split in terms of our wealth, that she has rights to that support and that I should therefore provide.
- By no means will I refuse to support her (I currently pay most of our outgoings), but if it jeopardises her health I would be prepared to keep it secret for as long as it takes. However, she has begun to talk about us buying a house together, which I am also open to, but this presents a number of technical dilemmas. I have always said I will never lie to her, and I never really have. I’ve always told her my parents have given me my inheritance early, which is true (enough for a deposit on a house), but not that I invested that wisely and increased it many times over. If we come to buy, do I continue to conceal all the rest of the money?
- The revelation of the money will come as enough of a surprise. I already fear the reactions she may have
- Why have you lied to me?
- The question of when an appropriate time to tell your significant other that you are rich is not a simple one in itself. Clearly I wouldn’t have told her the day we met or even a month after. I’m a humble person. I wanted her to like me for me rather than what I have. Obviously, I am confident that she does now.
- A further caveat is that I wish for her to continue to keep it a secret- from everyone. I don’t like the idea of people knowing about it, but I’m still not entirely sure she could keep it a secret. I’ve never tested that. I think it’s a fair request. I’d rather not have it in the public domain.
- Why didn’t you tell me so that I could invest my savings too? And I could have told my family about how to do it…
- I have no wish to be a stocks and shares evangelist. I know how nervous she is and I’m sure she would possibly have lost everything in the markets. Still, am I being selfish? Don’t I have a right to privacy and not get leant on for investment advice that I couldn’t guarantee anyway?
- All this time you could have treated me better and covered all the bills. I’ve been stressed about money all of this time when I needn’t have been
- Don’t I have a right to a certain degree of privacy for a certain amount of time? The question here arises, fundamentally, how much exactly does one individual owe another in a relationship? It’s an awfully dirty concept, but surely we should strive for parity between the two parties. Clearly, anyone lucky enough to be in the position should support their partner, but ultimately shouldn’t we aim for a degree of balance, emotionally, time-wise, effort-wise, financially? I am already doing more around the house, paying for more and supporting her as best I can every day. As I say, I would happily pay for everything, but only in the knowledge that she can recover from her suffering. I feel like if she did that, things would be on a stabler footing. If they stay as they are, parity will feel a long way off. If they can, I feel a partner should provide food, shelter, warmth, health care and transport as a base. Alongside (if not above) that is emotional and mental security and wellbeing. Beyond that, I’m not sure anyone is obligated to provide material possessions they could afford but wouldn’t want. How much autonomy can I wish to claim without being selfish? As I say, in the main I want to help others after I’ve secured my partner and I.
- Why didn’t you tell me before? You owe me. Let’s go out and spend and make our lives great…
- As I’ve said, we have a different relationship with things. I have no compulsion to own a nice place, car or fancy stuff. Clearly, as soon as I reveal what I have, I transport us both to a different paradigm and I can’t be sure how she will become, especially if she feels wronged because I haven’t said anything. I have a lot of faith that it will be alright, but I can never take it back. She will always know I’m a millionaire and may become increasingly frustrated if I’d rather plan to give it to charity than spend it on her. She may even likely adopt it as a fear of not being adequately cared for in the future, despite that not being realistic. It relates to the above: what do I owe her? Obviously, I will provide security, but I’m reluctant to commit beyond that.
I will leave it at that. Any advice or points of view anyone can offer would be very much appreciated. Clearly it’s not an easy set of dilemmas. When she does learn of my assets it will certainly have a profound effect and I want to try to understand how that might pan out and how I can best make sure it helps her to the fullest extent.
Also, if anyone can suggest councillors, advisors, books or other resources who might help me, I’d be awfully grateful.
Many thanks indeed for reading.