Great husband, but...

[legolifestyle]

My husband is great in so many ways. Has a busy job, teacher, does a lot of the housework, bakes sourdough bread every few days, makes fresh hummus every few days. Yesterday made a different meal for me so that I would have something for lunches for the next few days.

We have a 4 year old and 1 month old. Was great during the traumatic birth and difficult few weeks afterwards.

We haven't had sex for ages. We used to have great sex. And it's like we don't connect intimately anymore. I have mentioned this, and he acknowledges it. it's difficult because he has been experiencing what he thinks is Peyronie disease. Sex hasn't worked for a long time even when we have tried. He has finally made a doctors appointment for next week. Understandably he's embarrassed about going, and it's taken months for him to make the appointment.

He has a day off during the week and we spend that together with the baby, but it feels like there's always house mess and things to sort out. We don't have much time during the rest of the week to do this stuff.

I want to improve our relationship as I feel things are slipping away, but I don't know how. Any ideas? Please?

I should wait and see what the doc has to say. then take it from there. He is brave to go to the docs - many men would not.

He should not feel embarrassed about going to the GP re this problem. GPs as well are used to dealing with Peyronie's disease if he is indeed diagnosed with this.

There are other things you can do to connect while he waits for diagnosis and treatment. Have a date night at home, give each other a massage maybe? It’s about making your relationship a priority, possibly accepting a bit of house mess,

Thank you.

Yes, I'm so pleased he's going to the doctor.

I should say that it's not just the intimacy, but more our relationship in general. Things are so busy. He goes for a run 2/3 times a week which he needs, and then any other down time he has, he wants to watch a bit of tv/film, or spend 15 minutes on his phone. Whereas I want to talk to him or do something to connect with him. If I say something he will get off his phone. But he's tired (and so am I), and I want to talk to him about his day or something, and he just doesn't have much energy.

Maybe while he waits to see the doctor see if you can be intimate in other sexual ways that don’t involve intercouse? Dont know if thats possible but I get you miss intimacy with your husband.

Also intimate in non sexual ways like have a cosy night in, bottle of wine, movie or put some music on and enjoy each others company?

It’s actually very good he’s brave enough to go to the doctors. Shows a willingness to get things on track, good luck I really hope this can be sorted by the doctors.

What sort of effort to connect are you making? Are you being rebuffed?

If he's being a great husband and dad, pulling his weight round the house with cooking / cleaning, working full time and dealing with health issues, I'd be giving it a bit of a relax on the "improving the relationship" side - you have a four week old baby!

It sounds like in the rare free time he wants to wind down, you want to connect. Why don't you pick a film or tv show to watch together? Make it "your time" and share the enjoyment of doing it together? If he doesn't want to talk about his day because he's tired that's fair enough, it does sound busy!

Try to give each other some grace. He may be avoiding intimacy and connection because he is anxiously following a train of thought that ends in disaster and divorce if he can’t satisfy you. So maybe take sex off the table entirely and just ask snd offer snuggles, physical closeness, intimate conversation.

OP if you have a 1 month old and a young child and he's making fresh bread, houmous etc every few days,running etc I'm sorry but he needs to look at his priorities.

It's great he's doing his share but some things need to slip else you're both going to be exhausted.

I think he could cut down on the running and focus more on helping out and real priorities like tidying the house so you can wind down a bit.

The house will be a mess when you have a 1 month old and a 4 year old. That's life. You're thinking about shagging so soon? Good for you 😂

You have a 1 month old!!
I don’t think you can expect miracles.

But you can go for the ‘easy options’ of connecting: cuddling whilst watching something on TV, talking whilst having a meal together (treat it as a date night and plan for a bit more time to chat around a NORMAL meal). And simply using opportunities in the day to do things together and connect (like cooking, tidying up the kitchen) - again taking a bit longer but doing it in a relaxed way chatting about your day etc….

Oh and if he is feeling ashamed and unable to perform, I’d take sex put of the equation fir now.
Concentrate on just cuddling etc… with NO EXPECTATION of sex.

He might well avoid intimacy/cuddling because of the sex issue iyswim.
So u til he has seen his GP, has a plan if action, I’d be clear sex isn’t on the cards.

Honestly I think you need to lower your expectations a little bit, you have a 1 month old baby as well as another young child, it’s about survival at this stage mostly!

The other thing I would say is that you need to acknowledge that your needs are a bit different right now. We have a 7 month old baby and I find this with my husband, I’m on maternity leave so am at home with a baby all day which means when he gets home what I “need” or would like is adult conversation, to chat, talk about things, if I’ve been in the house all day then when he gets home I feel like I have a whole days worth of chatting to get out. BUT actually my husband has been at work all day, talking to colleagues & clients all day, when he gets home he “needs” to unwind, he’s talked all day and just wants to decompress and watch some TV or scroll his phone for a bit, which is exactly how I also used to feel when I got home from working pre-maternity leave. You have to find a middle ground really but you also need to acknowledge that for right now and probably for a good while yet, there isn’t a lot of time, effort or energy left to dedicate to put towards anything other than getting through the day with everybody alive and the house doable.

I would agree with others saying that you should first try to reconnect with low-level intimacies like hugging. cuddling. massage, with no expectation that it will automatically lead to sex. You have two young children, one a tiny baby. You need to take a bit of time to adapt to the new family situation and re-establish your relationship as a couple. I wouldn’t make it an issue. The GP appt. may also help.

Is 1 month old a typo @legolifestyle ?

No not a typo. I'm not really ready to have sex, but there hasn't been any sex in 4 years. A handful of times. New baby was a frozen embryo.

It's less about the sex than feeling a lack of connection. Everything is so logistical and pragmatic. What needs to be done, who is picking up/dropping off.

You all make valid points, but aside from sex, I want to reconnect on an emotional level as I feel it has gone somewhat. Yes, maybe I need to accept its this phase of life with the two small kids.

His day off in the week when thr 4 year old is in childcare some of the day is a perfect time, but honestly struggling with ideas.

During that day, I’d go for a meal-date somewhere. Nothing fancy but an afternoon tea, lunch at the pub, a walk? Anything where you are away from the house (so no chores to do!) relaxed and you can take baby with you.
Start talking, holding hands maybe?

I suspect it will feel weird/forced if you haven’t done that fur a while. But the more you do it, the easiest it will come.
Then at home, very small steps. Small bits of connexion dotted around.
Once you are both more relaxed around each other, it will be easier to talk about more serious/deeper stuff. Incl feelings, hopes fur the future etc….

Honestly I really agree with PP idea of a walk together, we have a dog so are out walking every day and we always say that our walks are amazing for chatting. No phones, no TV, no distractions, just an hour out in the fresh air to chat and catch up.

@legolifestyle I always collect with my partner on weekly walks .. can you find a nice park then go for a coffee ( no phones allowed except for emergencies). This can be your weekly routine quite quickly then you can speak to him / catch up… baby nice and snug in pram and hopefully asleep!

Sorry I meant connect with my partner!

I assume if you had IVF there would be a possibility that you were TTC a while with all the regulation of sex that that entails? I know for us I was sick fed up of it by the end. Would agree with others, see what the doctor has to say and go from there.

Makes "fresh hummus" and bakes sourdough and doesnt want sexual contact with a WOMAN. Hrmm I wonder what it could be.

When you say sex hasn’t worked for ages, do you mean physically there is a problem or that just tiredness and not in the mood?

It can be exhausting having a family, physically and mentally. Common for new parents to focus mainly on being mom and dad and forget about being a husband and wife too. Can you get a babysitter so that you and he can still have a date night now and then?

This stood out to me from your post:

Whereas I want to talk to him or do something to connect with him. If I say something he will get off his phone. But he's tired (and so am I), and I want to talk to him about his day or something

One thing I have learned OP, is that men don't connect through talking like women do. Most men anyway. It's annoying because I love nothing more than telling my husband about my day, and hearing about his. It's how I connect with him and feel closer to him. He indulges me by listening and chatting but I know that really he'd rather not do the chit chat. Sometimes I even notice his eyes glazing over and if I reference the conversation the next day he can have forgotten the details!

OP, how long as he had Peyronies for? I’m assuming it’s gotten progressively worse over the last year or so?

I'm also assuming he’s not had it for four or more years so the root of his lack of intimacy can’t be blamed solely on the PD.

HOWEVER, as someone who had chronic Peyronies, let me tell you, it’s soul destroying. I had a dorsal (upwards ) curve of 90 degrees, making sex impossible. I also lost a fair amount of size and it ruined relationships.

it will be a long road for recovery , and if truth be told, PD can’t really be cured without an operation -in the meantime, focus on other activities in and out of the bedroom to bring you closer. Walks, meals out, massages, all will bring you closer and help both of you.

finally, in regards to the PD, please try and go privately if you can rather than NHS. It’s such a specialist area he really needs someone qualified in that particular field .