Am I In Love

[LostandLonelyinWindsor]

I am 44 and married to my husband for the past decade. About 7 years ago, he stopped having sex with me and blames it on being a "mental" block. He says he can't have sex with me if I am not the perfect wife apparently. Anyway, the lack of intimacy has really caused a rift between us, one so deep and wide that I don't see a way back nor do I really want to go back. I am not attracted to him anymore and don't want to sleep with him. At this point, I am basically staying with him for my kids.

That being said, about 4 months ago, I began an affair with a coworker. He pursued me and I didn't say no. We've known each other for more than a decade and have never crossed the line until now. We are both married with kids.

He says he is "happy" but he never talks about his wife, just the kids. How he doesn't want to lose his kids which I totally understand. I don't want to share time with kids either. I want them with me all the time.

He even told me we had to stop because he didn't want to get caught but that lasted less than a week before we were in bed together. I care about him but I can't figure out if this is a crush or love. When I see him I feel like an idiot school girl. When I am not around him I worry I will never get to be with him again. I feel overwhelmed with all these emotions I have and I don't know what he really thinks or what I should do.

I would say you both need to make a choice. Unfortunately you can't have it all.

Staying for the kids is a bad plan, have some integrity and end your marriage. Be single.

You need to end things with your husband whether you continue seeing this man or not. Withholding affection/sex with the intent of controlling you is abusive and cruel. I don’t believe that’s the reason he won’t have sex anyway, more likely he’s impotent or maybe getting it elsewhere - if he had a sex drive he’d have sex with you no question - the “perfect wife” crap is just a pathetic excuse for his own defects.

Ot sounds like the OM is being honest in terms of he’s not going to leave his wife. You’ll end up getting hurt in that case and if your husband finds out it’ll be a convenient stick to beat you with and you’ll be made out to be a monster to whoever will listen. I’ve been in a similar situation myself so take heed and just end it with your dh is my advice. It will get very messy otherwise.

I do understand though x

Are you in love? Somewhat, by the sound of it. Do you want to commit to a relationship with him? No. Can you carry on like this? I don’t know, can you? Is it worth the risk?

OP I hope you've got your hard hat on because you may get quite a lot of criticism on here.
But to try to answer your question- there is no definition of 'in love' and we can't know what you're experiencing. It does sound like an intense whirlwind of lust, excitement, enjoying being wanted etc which all is more than a crush. Maybe it's a form of love but the burn bright and then burn out kind.
Be careful of yourself and your children, and his children. The sensible thing to do is end the affair, and then end or seek help to resuscitate your marriage.

No judgement from me. I couldn't survive in a sexless marriage without an affair.

I would leave before that though, personally. That's only if I genuinely couldn't leave.

As for whether you're in love, that's indefinable. I'm sure you're experiencing a heady mix of hormones. The thrill of it might have swept you up.

You are in Limerance, it's a passing phase. It won't last.

Suggest you go for counselling alone, and the with your husband.

Your husband sounds like an idiot but that’s not really an excuse to have an affair and you must know this. Especially not with a coworker. You are risking both your family and your work reputation.

Affair partner is married so unavailable. He has even told you he is happy. There are no signs that he’s going to leave his wife and make a life with you.

You might feel that you’re in love, not surprising because that’s the strength of emotions that have nowhere else to go when your marriage is unhappy.

My advice is end your unhappy marriage and free yourself to find someone that can offer you what you are so missing. But AP isn’t it.

Separate the issues.

1. You are married to a nasty controlling man who has withheld sex for years to punish you for not being perfect. Leave him.
2. Is your affair love? Probably not. It is the head rush of someone paying you attention that you are not getting because of 1. End it.

Your OM isn't free to pursue a relationship with you any more than you are currently free to pursue one with him. Affairs survive because of fantasy. Once out in the open, they become sordid and scruffy. For your own dignity and self respect, you need to end both marriage and affair, spend some time alone.

This isn't love, it's just a mess. I doubt he has any intention of ever leaving his wife, you are just easy sex on the side. What you have is a fantasy, it isn't based in real life. This is an escape from your real life that you have become obsessed with because your real life is so miserable. None of this resembles healthy, functional, respectful love.

What you should do is end your marriage and stop shagging married men.

“He says he can't have sex with me if I am not the perfect wife apparently.”. Vile man, leave him immediately. Find someone who deserves you, don’t be distracted by someone who is just using you to relieve the boredom of his own marriage. That’s not love.

Maybe use the affair as motivation to get out of your marriage.

When you're free, either you can ask your AP to also leave his wife so you can be together, if it is love. Or you can at least be able to find someone else without the limits of secrecy.

You get used to sharing your kids' time, and even come to appreciate child-free time.

And obviously it's far better for the dc if you split up fairly amicably than if you smash the marriage to smithereens by getting found out cheating and are demonised.

"At this point, I am basically staying with him for my kids".

Bad move. What is the point of doing that at all?. Staying with your (and in turn their) abuser teaches them what exactly about relationships?. That a loving and respectful relationship is not their birthright either?.

Whose sake are you really staying for; theirs or more likely your own because you are afraid to move on with your own life/afraid of being alone?.

You also need to ditch the OM now and be on your own. Neither of these men are your Mr Right and are indeed your Mr Wrong. You are going to look and feel a fool if you continue like this.

Sounds like it’s a head rush as pp said.

as for wanting to be with kids all the time- I’d imagine your head isnt present anyway when you’re at home. Maybe it’s time time to disentangle yourself from your marriage. Has your husband checked out anyway? It’s also not a good model for your dc to see in terms of what’s a healthy relationship. .

The om isn’t going to leave his wife. You’re in danger of being hurt.

You need to get out of your marriage desperately. Staying for the kids is a huge mistake

However you have to also stop the affair. Sleeping with another woman’s husband really isn’t the answer. This women is an innocent victim here - she deserves better than what you and her cheating lying husband are doing behind her back. This isn’t love, it’s escapism, a fantasy but someone else is getting hurt and that’s not right.

Leave your husband, get yourself settled and sorted and only then think about dating again - but make sure he’s single.

A spouse no longer wanting sex is not abusive. And I suspect the kids would much rather their parents stay in a sexless marriage than divorce! Thats why a lot of people do stay for their kids

@LostandLonelyinWindsor, your H is an unkind, cold and controlling man, and you are leading a dishonest double life with a married man. Your children are absorbing a dysfunctional relationship blueprint.

In your shoes, I would formulate an exit strategy, divorce, and create a workable co-parenting relationship.

I also strongly advise you to end your affair and distance yourself from the OM. You two are making a fool of an innocent woman, and are harming her and her children. Do you really want to be that kind of person?

Divorce and find single men to date, @LostandLonelyinWindsor. Be a worthy role model for your children.

What the heck is your H's version of the 'perfect wife'? The mind boggles. Probably an excuse for being gay or having ED - my money is on you being his beard. Does your DS have a good relationship with him?
You could just carry on as is, doesn't matter whether you love your OM or not as you'll never have him. He's made it clear he'd never leave his wife, so be under no illusion about that. He is probably still having sex with his wife too, so you'll have to get used to sharing him. It will probably fizzel out over time, or your AP will find another woman to fan his flames with seeing as he's not shy about pursuing people despite being married.

He blames her primarily for not wanting sex. You need to read her post again. Staying for the sake of the kids is a terrible idea too as it teaches her kids damaging lessons about relationships.

wow - now I heard it all. It’s massive abuse!
And yes kids want their parents together but in the long run living in a cold loveless hime will damage their ability to connect and have a proper relationship in the future.
And with all the respect “staying for the kids” is an excuse. In reality one doesn’t leave because of self preservation and becasue they get too comfortable in the marriage or they want to show “a happy home” to the society.

I have little time for your husband he sounds like an arse.

But you should be leaving him. End of.

Not pursuing an affair with another woman’s husband. She is entirely innocent in this and you are corroborating in her abuse. Her right to informed sexual consent and her right to personal agency is being taken from her. That’s a horrific thing to do to an innocent person.

Why on earth you’d ‘love’ a man who does this is anyone’s guess. You’re not ‘in love’ you’re in a fantasy bubble.

Personally I think all you’re doing is passing pain on (to your children potentially, the betrayed woman, her children) rather than dealing with your own. That is a selfish and entitled thing to do.

You need to grow up and stop seeing yourself as a victim of ‘love’ and your husband. You’re neither. You’re making some appalling decisions of YOUR choosing.

Not wanting sex is not abusive. I doubt very much you would say the same to a woman who did not want sex. Telling your spouse you are withholding sex unless they are perfect is abusive. And that is what the issue is here.

I suspect that he didn't actually say that though? OP could clarify. I took it that he was making excuses not to have sex (as a lot of people do) rather than being bluntly honest that he isn't interested. Again not abusive.

You don't know if he actually said that. We would have to wait for OP to confirm.
If a woman doesn't want sex the answers are always that it's a man's fault- he doesn't do enough housework, he doesn't look after her emotional needs or doesn't buy her flowers...or she's just resentful and she has a right to be because well, it's his fault.

Withholding sex as form of manipulation, punishment = abuse.
Genuinely not wanting sex because of something a partner did/didn't do = not abuse.
It's all about intention and how it's done so it's impossible to know.
Abuse is very complex and serious matter that involves whole abusive dynamic. Otherwise we would all be abusers based on some shitty things we've done or nice things we didn't do.

About 7 years ago, he stopped having sex with me and blames it on being a "mental" block. He says he can't have sex with me if I am not the perfect wife apparently

From the OP. He stopped, says he can't have sex if she is not the perfect wife. Sounds pretty controlling and abusive to me.

I don't believe sex should ever be transactional on either side. There are things that both partners can do to make it more likely that sex will happen, but nothing should be done in the expectation of getting sex.