What are some good relationship advice you got from older people around you ?

[angel109]

What are some good relationship advice you ever received from older people ?

I'll go first.

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years so far and she is the woman I want to be with. She is a good woman overall. We did talk about marriage. We don't live together yet. We won't live together until marriage.

But i was raised by my single father and I have 5 brothers.

Here are important relationship advice that my father gave me.

Make sure you work hard and know how to save money in order to provide. Women like hard working men who can provide for them and protect them.

Do the household chores without her having to ask you to do so. The last thing a woman wants is to baby a grown man. Don't expect her to cook for you either. It's up to you to cook for yourself.

Have your own car and your own house before you even think about getting into a relationship. It's important to be 100 percent independent and never rely on your woman for anything. Don't even ask her for rides. If your car breaks down, take the bus or train to work.

Always pay for all the dates. Yes even if you go out for your birthday, still pay for everything.

And last but not least, be mysterious.

Don't be too open and vulnerable to your woman. Don't talk to her about your childhood memories or bad childhood trials that you went thro, don't talk about your bad days at work. Even if you have a bad day at your job, come home with a smile and a positive attitude and tell her your day was wonderful when she asks you how your day was. Don't ever tell her about any of your relatives dying and don't grieve and get emotional in front of her. If you need to cry it out, do it in the shower and make sure you lock your door. Keep any struggles and vulnerabilities to yourself. Even she says that you can feel free to be open with her and confide in her.

This thread reminds me of the one where the fantasist man wanted to be a SAHD to imaginary kids when he didn’t even have a girlfriend let alone kids. Saw women as an incubator who could get back to work, Then was outraged that nobody thought he was a catch.

Anyway, back to this thread. Your dad gave you bad advice and most of it wouldn’t be acceptable to any woman in 2024.

Yes. I know. It's bollocks.

LOL at "be mysterious"

OK, this is the most ridiculous post I have read this year.

I would feel like I’d failed if my DH didn’t feel he could talk to me about anything. Some of the advice you received contributes to the high suicide rate among men.

Stop listening to men on what women want. That list from your Dad has only one good one on it which is do your share of household chores. Who do women need protecting from? Yes, earn money to pay your share into the pot. She will also earn money to pay into the pot too. Why would she not give you a lift if your car breaks down? This is madness.

You need to stop watching Bros with Microphones and maybe a bit more Jimmy on Relationships on Tiktok or the Gottman Institute who have been studying relationships for decades.

I think life with you @angel109 sounds lonely and a bit joyless. Are you able to have a laugh at yourself or are you too busy being all brave and independent and mysterious? Your "mysterious" sounds like aloof and emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature to me.

I don't expect my DP to pay for everything especially considering I earn more, that would be bloody daft. I do expect him to share evenly in the chores and raising our DS and thankfully he does his share and probably more.

Your dad probably gave you advice that he thought appropriate but to be honest it doesn't sound like he was an authority on what women want in men.

As an older woman there are so many red flags in your OP I don’t know where to start and I wouldn’t give my own DS and of that advice as a young man in the 21st century

It's hard to take this opening post seriously.

Are you having a laugh OP ?

My husband had a traumatic childhood and it absolutely is my business, a lot of what he went through forms the person he is now, and when I see him seeming anxious about a family thing that's coming up, if I deemed it not my business and something he shouldn't tell me, I'd not understand why he may be quiet, a bit withdrawn, he has ptsd and it's my business because I love him and want to support him, I can make accommodations allowances such as not serving specific foods that trigger horrific memories for example. Rather than him sitting there with his body in fight or flight trying to hide it from me and be unable to relax.

I have men in my life who have attempted to kill themselves and have said they feel like a burden bothering their wife with their emotions, it's really not good advice give men at all. It's very toxic and I wouldn't want to be sharing my life with someone who gave that advice to others.

As I said in your other thread, I would be seriously bewildered if my dh came out with this type of thinking. It's such bollocks and not what most people want from a relationship, some weird "mysterious" man who won't share any of his thoughts or feelings, may as well date a wall at that point. Likewise don't ask for rides and always pay for everydate is ridiculous, I want a partnership, so I'm happy to help them out with things, such as a ride and I want to split date costs.

I could never be with someone in the sort of relationship you describe. Relationships are about partnership, I'd expect my partner to share with and lean on me in the same way I'd be able to do with him.

This sounds just awful.

@angel109

'Just curious. What is your definition of a manly man ?'

Not you Timothy!

This is a bot surely?

This is such a weird thread. How old are you OP and as kindly possible are you neuro diverse?

This nails it

should be a partnership of equals. Share good and bad, both support, both do their share when they can.

what you’re describing is some dated bollocks about being a strong silent provider.

Surely this is not for real!!

If it is, then I despair for you.

Apart from the "do your share of household chores", the advice you have been given and seem determined to stick to is utter wankery.

My parents supported each other through the deaths of their respective parents and were married for 63 years until my Dad died. That didn't mean bottling it up and not talking to each other. My mother is still around now, and is 89.

Likewise DH and I, we have supported each other so far through the deaths of three out of four of our own parents.

Start again and leave the 1950s behind. You are talking bollocks.

Never mind waiting about for a proposal. If you want to get married: just tell him. If he doesn’t want to get married then you are better finding someone else.

my granny

This has to be a joke?

If it’s true I’m very sorry but your dad has given you some terrible advice!

Well that started out well and went pear shaped.

Don't be verbally intimate, don't be close. Do not bond emotionally! Treat her like you would a neighbour or the woman behind the till in the newsagents.

Of course, because itty bitty pretty ladies are sooooo weak and emotional and need a big strong man to carry them through life!

Have you thought about how insulting this belief is towards women?

Good advice received:

It's better to not have what you want than to be stuck with what you don't want.

And being stuck with what you don't want is how imagine any woman would feel married to the OP.

Hi OP, do you like reading? If you do, I would recommend an excellent book Why Women Talk and Men Walk. It's written by a male-female team of family therapists. You don't need to read the whole book, you can go straight to the chapter Why Women Leave (it also gives tips what to do to avoid getting to the point why she might want to leave). You list sounds slightly old-fashioned, I think modern women would expect more of a partnership.

You’re a keeper 😐

Do you have any good relationship models op? Do you know anyone in a happy long term marriage?

There’s such a depth of hurt, fear and mistrust in your df’s advice and it must be daunting for you, contemplating marriage with that ringing in your ears.

Sometimes, when I’ve been struggling through something, having my dh share something similar he’s been through has been such a gift of empathy and fellowship. And when he shares his vulnerabilities with me, it makes me feel loved and trusted.

There is real joy in performing little acts of service for a spouse- it’s a love language, and I’d hate it if dh rejected my efforts to look after him when he does so much for me. I need to know that I matter and am important to him.

Being a competent, capable, hard working person who pulls their own weight and doesn’t assume they have a right to add to someone else’s workload are excellent partner traits. But if being able to receive love is difficult you might consider working on that, through counselling perhaps? Take a look at the Gottman research on why relationships fail and maybe pay particular attention to concept of stone walling.