beating myself up

[nomoremarbles1]

I could really do with some help/opinions on the following because I'm a bit of a swinging pendulum at the moment and feeling very low.

My partner and i have been together for three years and he pretty much moved in with me middle of last year. There has been a building resentment from me towards him regarding our finances which has resulted in me asking him to leave at the weekend. I'm devastated and scared and feel guilty and i miss him terribly, but I'm worried that he has been using me.

Over the time we've been together he has had thousands from me for bills, including tax bills that he couldn't pay. I've also paid for Xmas presents for his family, little UK holidays when I've wanted to take my girls away etc.

He fitted a kitchen for me last year which i was very grateful for, but he encouraged me to get the kitchen done stating that he 'Wasn't going to live with me with the kitchen in it's current state' I paid a deposit for the kitchen on finance as he said he would be moved in by the time we had to pay it off and paying half towards everything. Fast forward a year and i have continued to carry us. The kitchen payments are starting in January and i'm going to have to cover it myself. whenever i brought up the subject of the kitchen and money he would say he'd saved me thousands by fitting it for me. I agree with that, but i agreed to purchase the kitchen in the good faith that he would be living with me by now, we'd be a family and he would have made good on his promise to do up and sell his house.

The house that he owns is sat empty and whenever i brought up the subject of finances he would get really defensive and tell me him living at mine or at his wouldn't make a difference to the bills and he still had bills to pay at his. He said he was doing his house up to sell it so we could live together and enjoy a comfortable life, but in the last week he's changed his story and now wants to rent it. renting it means he's going to have to do hundreds of pounds of work for it to be fit to rent, and the rent won't be enough to cover his mortgage and contribute at mine! I still don't know the extent of his debt, despite asking again and again for an open and honest conversation about it. he has a good job in management and earns three times what i do so why is he so broke?

I'm angry at myself and at him, but definitely more angry at myself and i feel like a fool.
Have i been selfish in asking him to leave and come back to me when he's financially secure? Should i have continued to support him? I I love him so much and this is killing me but i have to think of myself and my children.

really need someone to tell me i've done the right thing.

In the time since he moved in with you what did he contribute to your household expenses?

Oh dear god.. please don't EVER take him back. He won't come back anyway unless you are prepared to pay him .. are you ? A lot of desperate women seem to be willing to do anything, including paying them, to get/keep a man. Its grim. He has completely used you. Hes probably not even broke, just using that as an excuse for you to pay for everything. I mean who does that, lets someone else who has dependent children pay for everything for them? Not a keeper thats for sure. Well done getting rid, even if you have been a fool don't continue to be one by taking him back. Chalk this one up to experience and never ever again get into a relationship you have to buy.

You have absolutely done the right thing. You don't really know the extent of his debts or to be honest what state his finances are actually in! He's moving the goal posts to suit his own narrative, just so he can continue living with you, and be bankrolled. As for encouraging you to buy a new kitchen, on finance, and using the justification of saving you money as he installed it, as to not helping contribute to the cost, is very naughty. You are now lumbered with the finance cost, that you have no choice but to pay. The fact he's not open and honest regarding his finances, is a huge red flag. I would say that your attitude towards money, is very different to his, and finances will always be an issue between you. I would end the relationship, full stop.

I've been you.

You have done the right thing.

Of course you've done the right thing. He's used you. Don't feel bad about kicking him out.

Well isn’t this a tale we’ve heard MANY times on here ?

Obfuscation, excuses, out !!! you will be fine, bruised,but fine.

Nothing. He’d buy the odd bottle of wine on a Friday night…I mean he could be generous when he wanted, days out for my birthday. And when we were first together he threw me a huge birthday party, but once I’d bought my house, that all seemed to ebb away. I don’t know. I’m so sad at the moment.

He is literally taking money from your children. Every penny that you spend on him is a penny taken away from your children. He has been using you. Not paying a contribution towards bills is bad enough but he’s also taken your money to pay his debts and got you into debt to finance a kitchen that you didn’t even want

And he earns 3 times as much!!

You’ve done right thing OP. Hes a freeloading cocklodger and he’s literally taking money from your kids to bankroll himself.

Do not let him back into your life. Hes a scrounger

This is money you could use to give your children a better life. But instead, you're choosing to finance him. You need to do some thinking here.

He's not acting like someone who loves you, but like someone who finds you financially convenient.

Would he had stayed with you if you had gone 50-50 on everything from day 1?

Over the time we've been together he has had thousands from me for bills, including tax bills that he couldn't pay.
Has he paid you back for any of this yet?

You did the right thing btw. You were giving him money that should have gone towards your children, never take him back either, someone who can happily steal from a single parent is rotten to the core with no morals.

Any decent man would make the effort to pay his way and be more forthcoming as to his other debts so you could understand what he can and can't afford. I'm sorry you're hurting but I think you've made the right decision. He can always pay you back if he wants to show he has not been using you financially.

He earns triple what you do, doesn't contribute a penny, has took £1000s from you and your girls, well done for telling him to leave.
Do NOT let him back, he an using wanker

Thank you everyone. I feel so stupid for ignoring my gut and the red flags. I love him, I hope he sorts himself out and comes back ready to be a family, but I'm also not optimistic and quite sure he'll have a new lady on the go in a few months.
But I'm feeling a lot less wobbly today and know that I need to just focus on getting myself and my girls back on our feet. I've been falling short every month, I'm in my overdraft, my savings are gone and my credit card maxed out, so I have a lot of work to do over the next year to sort it out and no time to sit and feel sad about him. No distractions!

I'm in my overdraft, my savings are gone and my credit card maxed out
whilst he earns triple and doesn't pay a penny, he's not a good man.
Don't let him back into your life, he's abhorrent to bleed a single parent dry whilst he has plenty.

Cocklodger. You have been supporting him financially while he lives for free. Weather he lives at his own home or yours does make a different. It makes a difference to him because he reduces his costs and it makes a difference to you be yours increase. You are not an ATM.Yiu are not his mum. Don't subsidise him anymore.

Please please please don’t take this disgusting freeloading scrounging cocklodger back even if he begs you on bended knees.

Hes taken money from a single mum and her kids, bled you dry and all the while he’s earning 3 times as much and has his own property.

Sorry you might think you love him but he’s nothing more than a freeloading piece of human crap.

Do not allow him to waste any more of your time and money.

So, latest update. I rang him this evening. Because my car insurance was with his on a multi car agreement (this he did pay for so actually maybe I’ve been unfair).
I asked him how he was, he was fine, he had food, he’d done a food shop.
he then made me feel like I had created a problem from nothing. He asked me ‘realistically, how much money do you think you will save by me not living there? Apart from a bit of hot water and food’
its not even that, it’s that he was happy for me to do it for over a year….it’s that he couldn’t even acknowledge why I was frustrated. I don’t know, I hope he would say, I’m sorry I’ve put so much pressure on you, I’m really trying to sort things out etc…but he basically said he doesn’t know if he’ll come back because what I’ve done is a really odd reaction.
i’m so confused, and disappointed. Maybe I have been unreasonable, have I behaved oddly? He’s made me feel like I’m tight.

Dude you're broke because of him, he's fleeced money out of you bairns mouths.

Tot up how much he owes you in the tax stuff and tell him you want that returning. You'll probably have to suck up the kitchen etc but it'll give you something to hold onto when you doubt yourself.

Hell find some lass to look after him soon enough who will go through the same thing no doubt.

Please please please don’t let him gaslight you into doubting yourself. It really isn’t you it’s him. Even now he can’t admit he’s scrounged and freeloaded off you and is twisting it.

Be thankful he doesn’t want to come back - he’s not worth it. Hes a user. Let him crack on . Put you and your kids first

i’m so confused, and disappointed. Maybe I have been unreasonable, have I behaved oddly? He’s made me feel like I’m tight.

Look up DARVO. Then go to counselling asap before you fall for his abusive manipulation yet again. Put yourself and your children first. No man, or sex, is worth screwing your children over for.

You need to block this scum bag because he's going to gaslight you into believing he's doing you a massive favour by being with you. It DOESNT MATTER HOW MUCH LESS IT WOULD COST YOU TK NOT HABE HIM LIVING THERE, YOU DO NOT OWE HIM A LIVING, HE HAS ROBBED YOU BLIND, AND HE SHOULD PAY HALF IF EVERYRHING AND YOU SHOULD BE BETTER OFF WITH HIM THERE NOT WORSE!!

I've put all that in caps so it sinks in, he doesn't love you, he's horribly financially abused you. It's actually the police you should be calling, the swindling dick that he is! Please call women's aid and talk this through and tell your friends and family the situation. I bet you haven't already, cause you know what they'll say!

OMG you are not tight! Hes a fucking cocklodging prick who is worried he’s losing his free bed and board.

Please understand every penny he doesn’t contribute is literally taking food out of your DC’s mouths and he doesn’t give a fuck about you or them as long a he’s getting a free ride.

He is a disgusting piece of shit and he’s gaslighting you terribly. You’ve been financially and emotionally abused - just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t make him less of an abuser.

Wake the fuck up, seriously, and be a good role model for your TWO daughters.
He earns 3 times as much as you but you're maxed out, in overdraft, with no savings left. Get rid and stop phoning to see if he's OK, he's a grown man and a cunt.

No decent person, man or woman, would ask you to cover tax bills and other expenses. Particularly not when you have children.

In the event it was absolutely unavoidable, they'd pay it back ASAP. And wouldn't suggest taking on further debt/expenses (ie kitchens).

He's completely taken advantage of you akd you've allowed it to happen.

You say you love him and that's why you did it but surely not more than your children? Those ££££s could have gone towards them.

Stop phoning him to see if he's OK. You might not save much more money in terms of accruing savings but you certainly won't be losing thousands and getting further into debt.