beating myself up

[nomoremarbles1]

I could really do with some help/opinions on the following because I'm a bit of a swinging pendulum at the moment and feeling very low.

My partner and i have been together for three years and he pretty much moved in with me middle of last year. There has been a building resentment from me towards him regarding our finances which has resulted in me asking him to leave at the weekend. I'm devastated and scared and feel guilty and i miss him terribly, but I'm worried that he has been using me.

Over the time we've been together he has had thousands from me for bills, including tax bills that he couldn't pay. I've also paid for Xmas presents for his family, little UK holidays when I've wanted to take my girls away etc.

He fitted a kitchen for me last year which i was very grateful for, but he encouraged me to get the kitchen done stating that he 'Wasn't going to live with me with the kitchen in it's current state' I paid a deposit for the kitchen on finance as he said he would be moved in by the time we had to pay it off and paying half towards everything. Fast forward a year and i have continued to carry us. The kitchen payments are starting in January and i'm going to have to cover it myself. whenever i brought up the subject of the kitchen and money he would say he'd saved me thousands by fitting it for me. I agree with that, but i agreed to purchase the kitchen in the good faith that he would be living with me by now, we'd be a family and he would have made good on his promise to do up and sell his house.

The house that he owns is sat empty and whenever i brought up the subject of finances he would get really defensive and tell me him living at mine or at his wouldn't make a difference to the bills and he still had bills to pay at his. He said he was doing his house up to sell it so we could live together and enjoy a comfortable life, but in the last week he's changed his story and now wants to rent it. renting it means he's going to have to do hundreds of pounds of work for it to be fit to rent, and the rent won't be enough to cover his mortgage and contribute at mine! I still don't know the extent of his debt, despite asking again and again for an open and honest conversation about it. he has a good job in management and earns three times what i do so why is he so broke?

I'm angry at myself and at him, but definitely more angry at myself and i feel like a fool.
Have i been selfish in asking him to leave and come back to me when he's financially secure? Should i have continued to support him? I I love him so much and this is killing me but i have to think of myself and my children.

really need someone to tell me i've done the right thing.

This update has actually enraged me OP 😡

He's a disgrace of a man and completely manipulative.

Had one of these for a very brief amount of time, on a much smaller scale.

He's playing with you.
Making himself 'a prize' (😂) that may or may not return to freeload from you again.

Meanwhile, I wouldn't put it past this type of a man to be looking around in the hope or finding a 'surer bet'

Go cold on him OP.
100% he will start the crawling back to you. But he will be extremely manipulative.

Keep us updated please.
I love to see scum like this take a fall 🍿

I'm angry at myself and at him, but definitely more angry at myself and i feel like a fool.

Well yes. You lost me when you said you have kids. Why on earth are you putting a man before them. A single penny that you've spent on his family, tax bills and more has been money that you have taken from your children.

Just dump him and move on. It sounds like you can manage fine on your own, so why run after a man like this. And don't ever give up your home and kids security for a pipe dream of living together. Unfair on your kids to do this to them.

Did it not raise a single flag, that a man who earns 3x your salary and has an empty house sitting and you are still finding??

Yep, red flags for a while…but whenever I raised it he had an excuse, or a reason, or made me feel like I was being unreasonable for even raising it.
I’ve been an absolute tool.

Just add up how much he has saved living with you and why that hasn't been shared with you...

That's fine. He can argue back or explain why he does things BUT you do not have to accept any of it. He can try and wiggle like a worm on a fishing line but that doesn't mean you say "okay, let's carry on with you paying nothing and me taking money away from my kids and getting into debt to pay your bills". What you DO say is "okay I hear you but it doesn't change the fact I want you to leave/pay your share".

Please tell me he is still dumped.

Well you can start with the 25% Council tax discount you lost every month. Then fuel bills are far from small. Food and drink can mount up to hundreds every month and he's got a bloody cheek as earning so much more than you. You will be much better off than he is claiming. Is he going to pay you back for his bills that you paid? If you didn't notice any substance addictive behaviour when together, I'd guess his problem is gambling.
The signs were there before he moved in and was asking you to pay his tax bills. You need to get better at heeding the warnings in future.

Yes, you have done the right thing.
Please stay strong and keep your thinking, don't let him back. He sounds a complete cock lodger and keeps moving the goal posts.

You can do it. Even if you have a wobble, you can.

Why can’t you see that this man was using you? He has been taking advantage of you financially and emotionally and has left you so confused you can’t see the wood for the trees!

See him if you must but do not let him live with you - you are already raising your children - you cannot afford to subsidise another adult at all

If he had a shred of decency he would help you pay off the debts that you have accrued whilst supporting him

Is not what you will save, is that he didn't pay his way.
Free loading. Nah, slide on buster..

Look up gaslighting and DARVO - i guarantee it will set off lightbulbs in your head

Hi OP. It's natural to miss this "man". You love(d) him and was an important part of your life. But I think you've done the right thing in asking him to leave. He's not bad with money, he's just a freeloader and you and your children don't need that.
Grieve the end of your relationship, be kind to yourself and move on. You deserve better.

It's not how much you would save, it's how much he has saved! That's what's important.

And that bottle of wine he bought? He drank that as well didn't he?

OP please look at the freedom programme to help you understand why you tolerated such low bar behaviour and to recognise red flags so much earlier.

Something which has really helped me along the way was the saying that 'we give to others what we wish others would give to us'.

So maybe it's tough being a single mum, taking all financial responsibility and deep down you wish someone would step up and support you with your bills, and check in with you, to see if you're okay after the break up. That would be why you've taken on financial responsibility for him and are checking in on him and feeling sorry for him. It's yourself that you need to be feeling sad for right now, and try and turn that attention back to you. I'm guessing growing up you were used to having to give to parents, so never learned to give to yourself?

Bloody hell another one of these.

Wake up OP.

Why not suggest you all move into his place? Rent free. You can buy the odd bottle of wine and pay for the DC food. You can rent yours out and keep the cash. And he can pay off your credit card. Oh and you can make him buy a new kitchen and never pay anything towards it. But you will clean it every week in exchange for him buying it.

See what he thinks of that plan. Think he’d go for it OP?

He has taken money that you should have kept for your children. Who pays a boyfriend’s tax bill? A boyfriend who has no dependents and earns three times as much.

I beg you to put your DC first now.

Why on earth did you not arrange to pay bills equally when he officially moved in? even if he was deferring contributing as much until his house sold, he should still owe you that money rather than living there rent free.

This one is a dud, but in future beware anyone who does not want to pay their way, they would rather see you struggle and see your kids go without so they can have an easier life.. really think about that if you are even considering taking him back.

Oh you are absolutely right. I think he's played on my low self esteem and how damaged i was after my divorce to get away with it for so long.
I'm feeling a little bit more optimistic each day and we will be ok.
onwards and upwards

OP you need to find your anger. Anger is often described as a negative emotion, but used in the right context it is a great tool for change.

I'm not saying to shout and swear at him but write down all the shitty things he has done on paper, get angry about it. Burn the paper, punch a pillow... Get it out. No, he doesn't get to treat me like this. No, I am not a doormat. Enough is enough!

Then you block him on everything and never talk to him again. This will take real strength on your part. But this way, you regain your power. He will probably try and contact you when he realises there has been a shift. But you will be over him by then.

Little update, he's still back at his, and we're still separated. I'm feeling ok about things but found a couple of weeks ago that he'd also missed two of his mortgage payments and hadn't told me, plus a credit account to my address.
I'm keeping busy and focussing on work and the children, I'm not sure the trust will ever come back tbh and I'm quite enjoying the freedom of being on my own.

He's messaged me with suggestions about selling his house, moving in with me officially. joint account etc and us buying a house together but I've held my ground and told him no.

Then he called me last night and told me he was being made redundant in March, again I held my ground. His redundancy comes with a very generous severence payout so he will be fine.

Well done, OP. What a fantastic update. Keep strong.

You must feel significantly better off now your ex is not relying on you financially. Enjoy knowing you can put that money towards your kids and yourself.

But expect him to crank up the pressure wanting to move in as his money runs out. Would you consider blocking him? It might be a good idea.

Agree. He was thinking OP would pay those missed mortgage payments too I reckon. Once the redundancy pay is all swallowed up he’ll be very persistent about moving in together.

Well done OP. Don’t ever let him move back in.

If he's defaulted on a credit card registered to your address you need to write to disassociate yourself and your address from him.

https://www.experian.co.uk/consumer/guides/financial-association.html#:~:text=If%20you%20no%20longer%20share,your%20financial%20connection%20has%20ended.