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Original poster

What is this behaviour from DH?

42 replies

Thisisntme1 · 10/11/2024 02:21

There's so many things I could mention about DH's behaviour when he's in a mood but for the sake of keeping this short I just want to focus on this one thing.

DH won't make decisions. I mean he will sometimes and is good at his job and does stuff for the kids and around the house etc.
But if I say things 'what do you want for dinner?' Or 'what should we do for date night?' Or 'where should we go on our family holiday' He replies with 'I don't care' and won't really engage and I end up making all the decisions.
Which is fine day to day (sometimes, although sometimes I just wish he'd have an opinion!)

But then other times I might say 'what should we get the kids for Xmas?' And he'll reply 'I don't know/care' so I'll push him a bit more to help with the decision making and he'll then say something completely unrealistic (and a snappy tone) like "let's just spend $5k on this item so they're happy!"

I point out it's unrealistic, unaffordable etc and clearly we're not doing that, which he knows but then he comes back and says well you asked me to make decision and I did but now you're not happy with it.
And again, I end up making all the decisions.
I always run things by him and he never gets mad at me for the ones I make. But he makes out like he's so easy going but then I become the default decision maker for everything. Plus he's the grumpiest 'easy going' man I've ever met 🙄

Please explain it to me, I can't have a rational conversation with him to ask him because, well he won't answer, or doesn't know and it ends up in an argument or a circular conversation.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSnow · 10/11/2024 02:25

Type of behaviour? Twattish seems to fit the bill.

AutumnLeaves24 · 10/11/2024 02:27

Fucking annoying!!

Moro93 · 10/11/2024 02:38

It’s not ‘easy going’, it’s a complete lack of interest and him acting like an indifferent prick.

username7891 · 10/11/2024 02:46

He's shirking any responsibility and being lazy. You get the blame if something goes wrong and he doesn't have to engage his brain.

Codlingmoths · 10/11/2024 02:52

I wouldn’t accept that. Do the date night thing, when he says I don’t care book yourself a night out without him ‘you said I don’t care; you didn’t sound at all interested in going out with me. I’m only going out with people willing to make a bit of an effort from now on and you are pretty clear that’s not you.’
the Christmas presents: you have a budget of £100 each child think of something they will each enjoy that fits that budget and show me, when you do thank me for the budgeting role please no one does that for me. If you can only come up with things worth £1000 pounds then you are incompetent and I will tell everyone I know. All of whom will have found Christmas presents for their partner and children for less.

do that and see if he feels worth keeping. It’s not obvious he is.

Original poster
Thisisntme1 · 10/11/2024 02:53

@username7891 he doesn't blame me if anything does go wrong though?

I dont necessarily mind making decisions and when it comes to things like home decor etc I have very specific ideas.

But the 'I don't care' for everything makes me feel like he's checked out a bit and couldn't care less if he was on a date with me or not, but deep down I know that's not true?
The ridiculous over the top answers and putting it back on me when I don't (can't) agree absolutely does my head in!

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 10/11/2024 02:53

It's called indecisivness and it is pretty common.

Sometimes, and not analysing your DH here, it is linked to having to take sides in family dynamics in childhood and living with the consequences of that choice they never should have been made to make so avoid making choices at all.

Sometimes it is about decisions made as a child or young adult being punished too severely

Sometimes they witnessed this at home and their behaviour is modelled on this

Sometimes it's because they don't want to be responsible if it all goes wrong, even if it is just dinner. Low self esteem etc.

Sometimes it's because they don't care about the decision as long as they don't have to make it because it's not important to them.

Sometimes it's down to depression or anxiety

It's really common thing to bring up in therapy because it usually drives one partner mad.

There are things you can do about it but first off is trying to understand where it comes can be helpful. He may not want to discuss it if it links to bad memories or understand why he does it himself. Do any of the above sound familiar in his life?

Garlicpest · 10/11/2024 02:56

What it is is passive-aggressive.

Note the 'aggressive' part of the name: it's an attack. He says I don't care, I don't give a shit, fuck off with your needs or the kids'.

Then if he doesn't like the choice he didn't make, he complains. To you. About the choice that had to be made, and he didn't care, so delegated it to you.

Now everything's your fault.

Seems like a nice guy ...

Original poster
Thisisntme1 · 10/11/2024 02:58

@Codlingmoths I'm tempted to do that but he'd get mad at me.
I know he does want to go out with me, he just doesn't mind where we go, but to me that's part of the fun deciding what to do together.

He won't ever initiate or suggest going out for a drink or a random dinner (we have older kids so whether they come or not).
Or if I pushed him to make a decision he'd say 'fine let's go to McDonald's then' and if I then say I don't want to do that, I'm the difficult one because he made the decision.

Maybe I am just a fussy bitch lol (and no he's never called me that)

OP posts:
Garlicpest · 10/11/2024 02:59

Thisisntme1 · 10/11/2024 02:53

@username7891 he doesn't blame me if anything does go wrong though?

I dont necessarily mind making decisions and when it comes to things like home decor etc I have very specific ideas.

But the 'I don't care' for everything makes me feel like he's checked out a bit and couldn't care less if he was on a date with me or not, but deep down I know that's not true?
The ridiculous over the top answers and putting it back on me when I don't (can't) agree absolutely does my head in!

But the 'I don't care' for everything makes me feel like he's checked out a bit and couldn't care less

This isn't just "how you feel", it's what he's telling you to your face. Repeatedly.

Ever heard the saying "When someone tells you who they are, listen"?

Codlingmoths · 10/11/2024 03:17

Thisisntme1 · 10/11/2024 02:58

@Codlingmoths I'm tempted to do that but he'd get mad at me.
I know he does want to go out with me, he just doesn't mind where we go, but to me that's part of the fun deciding what to do together.

He won't ever initiate or suggest going out for a drink or a random dinner (we have older kids so whether they come or not).
Or if I pushed him to make a decision he'd say 'fine let's go to McDonald's then' and if I then say I don't want to do that, I'm the difficult one because he made the decision.

Maybe I am just a fussy bitch lol (and no he's never called me that)

You’re mad at and upset by him op. Let him get mad.

Pallisers · 10/11/2024 03:28

He is lazy. He knows on some level that all of these decisions need to be made - what to have for dinner, what to buy kids for xmas - but as far as he is concerned he has a person to do that for him - you. So he really wishes you'd stop bothering him about stuff that is your responsibility. For him it is like if the washing machine kept asking him "should I make it hotter?/should I rinse now" - he got the appliance to take care of this stuff so why is he being bothered? You are the appliance.

deeply unattractive and I bet the other things you could mention about when he is in a mood would get a whole lot of responses here too,

There's so many things I could mention about DH's behaviour when he's in a mood

ohyesido · 10/11/2024 04:36

Childish behaviour. He doesn't want to accept responsibility if things go wrong. He can point the finger at someone else if the decision turns out to be wrong or if things don't go to plan

Imisscoffee2021 · 10/11/2024 05:30

The I don't care attitude is so selfish, as what if you did the same? No dinner, no date night, no Christmas gifts for the kids. Its a kind of behaviour that can only be indulged in by one person because the other is picking up the slack. Another example of weaponised incompetence.

Original poster
Thisisntme1 · 10/11/2024 05:46

@ohyesido he never blames me for anything if it were to go wrong though, I'll give him that. In fact I'm harder on myself if things don't go to plan because I feel like I've ruined the day, or picked the wrong place to eat etc

OP posts:
anareen · 10/11/2024 06:02

This sounds passive aggressive almost.....?

This would get very frustrating. I wonder the reasoning for his behavior.

Maybe try breaking it up. I'm not sure how many children you have but you could propose the idea of you shopping for whichever kid(s) and him shopping for whichever kid(s) and then regroup instead of leaving it so open ended. If he goes for it I would praise his decision and tell him the kids will love that or whatever. Maybe he isn't confident in his decision making or was nagged at?

Possibly try to not ask so open ended questions....? Narrow it down to a specific thing and focus on that. So instead of asking where you should go on family holiday pick a few different places, look up activities in those areas and present those to him and discuss what activities the family might like.....? Hopefully that doesn't cause the same issue. At least you are involving him but not placing everything on him as the open ended question might make him feel.

Just rambling off ideas I suppose. I hope that helps and makes sense.

Shoxfordian · 10/11/2024 06:06

It sounds like he's checked out and he doesn't care

GiraffeTree · 10/11/2024 06:12

Just make some things his decision and stick to that. Maybe not the DC's Xmas presents, for their sake, but tell him to book somewhere for dinner and just let him decide. I don't think he'll actually take you to McDonald's when push comes to shove.

Amazingamazon · 10/11/2024 06:13

MarkingBad · 10/11/2024 02:53

It's called indecisivness and it is pretty common.

Sometimes, and not analysing your DH here, it is linked to having to take sides in family dynamics in childhood and living with the consequences of that choice they never should have been made to make so avoid making choices at all.

Sometimes it is about decisions made as a child or young adult being punished too severely

Sometimes they witnessed this at home and their behaviour is modelled on this

Sometimes it's because they don't want to be responsible if it all goes wrong, even if it is just dinner. Low self esteem etc.

Sometimes it's because they don't care about the decision as long as they don't have to make it because it's not important to them.

Sometimes it's down to depression or anxiety

It's really common thing to bring up in therapy because it usually drives one partner mad.

There are things you can do about it but first off is trying to understand where it comes can be helpful. He may not want to discuss it if it links to bad memories or understand why he does it himself. Do any of the above sound familiar in his life?

Adding to this as it is very well explained…, me and my partner both drive each other mad with our constant none-decision-making, but it is something neither of us can snap out of as we both have abandonment issues & are people pleasers due to that… sometimes we can be at a stale mate of ‘whatever you want’ ‘I don’t mind’ and be getting irritated at the other I actually do have a preference (think as simple as McDonald’s or kfc for Friday night takeaway) but my head is just screaming at me ‘don’t say you’d prefer McDonald’s incase he actually wants kfc and he then goes along with it to please you but will be unhappy later when he hasn’t got the food he wants and will then resent you’

I totally get that it is exhausting being with someone who won’t make decisions, but honestly, it is also exhausting being the person who’s every instinct tells them not to make a decision in case it is the wrong one.

whatisforteamum · 10/11/2024 06:23

I've got a DH like this.
Decisions were joint for many years.
Then when we had dcs the presents were down to me.
Food plans holidays.
I started going out so he would choose the tea and cook it for himself and dcs.
Now he is older and we need to decorate the house and guess who has to nag and decide on their own!!
It's very draining .
A manchild springs to mind.

lovealongbath · 10/11/2024 06:23

Choose you’re arguments!

Accept he can’t / won’t make a decision. You make the decisions, get your own way, win, win! It’s very simple!

Turniptracker · 10/11/2024 06:25

This is such an ick. You've become his mother. You're supposed to be in a partnership and that includes helping taking on the mental load. Everything you've described is mental load, thinking what is for dinner, thinking of presents, of what to do.
I would give him half the decisions and leave them with him for him to get back to you on. Giving him some benefit of the doubt - perhaps he is struggling to come up with an answer there and then and hence he lashes out as feels pressured. Let him think on this and get back to you. Don't make those decisions, if he doesn't come up with anything for dinner let him deal with the fall out

anareen · 10/11/2024 06:34

Turniptracker · 10/11/2024 06:25

This is such an ick. You've become his mother. You're supposed to be in a partnership and that includes helping taking on the mental load. Everything you've described is mental load, thinking what is for dinner, thinking of presents, of what to do.
I would give him half the decisions and leave them with him for him to get back to you on. Giving him some benefit of the doubt - perhaps he is struggling to come up with an answer there and then and hence he lashes out as feels pressured. Let him think on this and get back to you. Don't make those decisions, if he doesn't come up with anything for dinner let him deal with the fall out

I thought of the mother thing as well and then started thinking of masculine and feminine energy. She mentioned he does things for the kids and around the house so possibly it is just a decision making issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

Loubelou71 · 10/11/2024 06:50

Is it passive aggressive? He doesn't seem to like you very much. My ex was like this. Just absolutely determined not to help me in any way.

StuckInHove · 10/11/2024 07:31

Thisisntme1 · 10/11/2024 05:46

@ohyesido he never blames me for anything if it were to go wrong though, I'll give him that. In fact I'm harder on myself if things don't go to plan because I feel like I've ruined the day, or picked the wrong place to eat etc

My ex was like this. Making out to everyone else how care free and easy going he was. The things is, everything was on me. Every single decision. I was carrying 100% of the mental load and I had 4 dc, quite close in age. Like yours, mine never complained if anything went wrong but I was hard on myself and he just stood back with his hands in the air, knowing that it was all on me. I just never felt supported, acknowledged or respected by him and it wears you down. I always felt like I had to do all the thinking because his answer to anything was ‘I don’t care, you know I’ll eat anything. You know I’ll go anywhere’. He just didn’t care enough to make any sort of effort. I just wanted him, one time, to make a decision and be like this is where we’re going, I’ve organised it all, all you have to do is get in the car. You know, take charge for once so I didn’t have to!