Reaching out to absent parent...

[99IceCream99]

Just wanted some thoughts on this. So I was thinking of reaching out to my ex, well not technically as he contacted me first in the summer, but the children told me they didn't want to see him because of how long he has been absent (18 months) and the fact he constantly messed them around and was never consistent, however I'm a big believer that parents shouldn't just get to walk away from their children and I hate that so many men get to walk away as if their kids don't exist, imo it's wrong (obviously abuse aside) I hate that so many men get away with this, I know some would hope to be in my situation and hope their ex didn't bother but I am a big believer that children need both parents. I went with what they said but I think if he is consistent from now on they may give him another chance so how can I get him to prove he is going to stick around this time? I did tell him the kids didn't want contact because to quote from them "he will just go again" he said he won't this time 🤦🏻‍♀️ those who have been in this situation and ex been absent for a long time how did they prove themselves to be consistent going forward? And would you reach out to him or wait to see if he gets in contact again? Please dont say not to only advice on how to build this up and how he can show he is going to be consistent and regular this time round

Don't do it. He won't be consistent and he will fuck them up. I have walked this mile. I did everything I could to facilitate a relationship. Even with a court order he abandoned our son. We've not seen him for approaching five years. Leave well alone is my advice. Decent parents do not do things like this and leave their kids for protracted periods of time.

My DH's bio dad consistently let him down all throughout his childhood and he continued to let him back in until he promised to show up at a big 40th birthday of DH and he didn't, DH cried all the way home...He decided to cut all contact from there on.
When we've spoken about it all, he wishes he had been more vocal as a child/teen and made it clear how he felt, MIL wouldn't have pushed him to see his dad if he was totally sure it wasn't right for him.

I don't have any advice of how to bring them back together unfortunately but I think if they are still adamant they don't want to see him 18 months on, you have to respect that. They may not feel that way forever but giving their feelings the validation they deserve means they feel heard, the door can always remain open but they don't have to be pushed through it if they aren't ready.

Nope, trust your kids and honour their feelings about the relationship. I didn’t want to see my dad after they split and my mum respected my decision. It would have seriously impacted our relationship if she had forced me on days out and overnights I didn’t want to go on. I would have felt like I had no one on my side anymore. If they come around and ask to see him, then maybe. He’s had his chance and he messed it up.

Thanks for the comments like I said he isn’t getting away with not being involved it’s not fair that men can do this so I am wanting to pursue contact children are young / preteens so probably not old enough to decide and I think they are just angry. Just looking for what steps others have taken when an absent father restarts contact to build up and prove they are going to be consistent.

I haven’t done this, but if you really want to try, I would leave the children out of it to start. Ask that once a week he contacts you at a set time to get an update on the kids. See if he can manage a consistent 5 minute phone call for a few months. If he isn’t on time and polite you will know he can’t be trusted to move up a level.

Surely this has to be about your children not a general principle that “men shouldn’t get away with this” though? If your children are hurt and angry maybe that’s a good enough reason to leave it alone. I can’t think of any way to make him prove he’s going to be consistently there for them in the future. You will be gambling with their emotional health if you force this.

Thanks that’s a good suggestion.

I get why you're angry but this really does seem a guaranteed way to piss off both your kids and your ex, leaving you feeling all warm and virtuous.

Your children have expressed a preference - afford them that level of respect. If you must do something let them know that you will try to facilitate contact should they ever change their minds.

I do like Pondering's suggestion

edited for spelling

why would it piss off my ex he wants contact he contacted me to see them again?

I don't think you should go against what your kids have said - it's a bit of a betrayal to say you'll go along with what they want, and then turn round months later and try to push contact. If they were the ones changing their minds, then fair enough.

But in this case, you've asked them what they want, told him no, and now you want to go back on it all.

The likelihood is he'll just be as unreliable as he ever was and they'll get hurt all over again, and it'll be almost as much your fault as his.

If he was really motivated to see them, he'd have not taken no for an answer and gone to court if he had to.

i wouldn’t be going against their wishes i would speak to them again and suggest giving it another chance. people might be happy for fathers to swan off into the sunset and never bother with their kids again whilst the mum is left to pick up the pieces but i don’t agree with that.

Your ex contacted you after 18 months because he now has decided he wants to see his children again. Your children didn't want to see him, as he constantly lets them down, and you told him this. Now, you're asking if you should initiate contact with him or not, as you believe children need both parents and he shouldn't 'get away with it'. I believe children should have a relationship with both parents, but if the relationship with the absent parent is causing the children to be unhappy and anxious, is it truly in their best interest? Someone else suggested setting up a 5 minute call, once a week, for you to update your ex on the children. It's a good test, to see if he is capable of being consistent. Although don't tell him this, you need him to be himself, not someone who is on their best behaviour because they know they're being tested. If you feel you must do something then the above is a good starting point, but it's better to not tell your children. You're giving him a chance, but if he can't consistently keep to the 5 minute call once a week, then you have your answer and it's best to take your lead from your children.

i would have to explain its a trail or why would i be asking for him to call once a week? we never speak on the phone.

meant trial*

I don't mean to be rude OP but you're deluded with this. Is it you who wants to see him? There is absolutely nothing you can do to make him be a good and involved parent. Even court can't force a man to see his children. I hope this doesn't smack you square in the face (nor your vulnerable children). My son had to have two years of therapy. It's an horrific situation to be in.

Nobody agrees with it! I didn't agree to have a baby at 42 within a long marriage only for my husband to decide he preferred shagging OW and as he said "family life isn't for me". Our was son two years old. Right up until he was 7 I tried to make contact happen. I can't even go into the shit we went through. Even the court happily severed the contact order THAT HE SOUGHT all the while I had to make sure that I was doing everything to facilitate contact. It's not fair, it's wrong etc. however, this sounds like it's more about you than what is right for your children. Abandoning parents are not worth having.

This is something that is squarely on the shoulders of the childrens' father. If he is capable and motivated to make a consistent effort to be in his children's lives, he will do just that. It will be clear, and you will not need to do anything to make it happen.

As it is you need to listen to your DC and respect their wishes, they have been hurt and let down as a consquence of his shitty parenting. He won't necessarily get a second chance with them, that's not how feelings and trust works.

Your motivation to "not let him get away with it' is skewed in the extreme. He's got away with nothing, and he's lost his children. Slow clap for that man.

oh you would be surprised! i’m told all the time how “lucky” i am he doesn’t see them and how jealous they are of me and wish their ex would disappear people say this to me all the time

he has got away with it? he’s never had a sleepless night, never cooked them dinner, never did a school run, never taken them to an appointment i could go on.. doesn’t pay maintenance i mean he’s got off pretty well and that shouldn’t be allowed

yes i’m desperate to see him 🙄

Please listen to your children. My 'dad' let me down repeatedly in my life and around age 7 I decided I no longer wanted any more to do with him. He hurt me so much. I'm 43 now and it's one of best decisions I ever made my whole life. Trust them.

I think it’s better for kids to have no contact with crappy NRP than random contact when they wonder if they will turn up. It must be awful for children’s self esteem to not know if dad will turn up.

If you do this, will this be the last chance that you give him ? You are going to piss off your kids if they go through with this and it falls apart again. You’re about to hit the teen years and if you don’t listen and respect their opinions then they are less likely to be the type of teens who confide in you about difficult issues. Your kids have taken an understandable step and will hopefully have the self respect to do the same if their friendships and relationships are like this.

The idea of him getting away with it only works if you see being involved with your children as something onerous and NOT being involved with them as enviable. Which you might do. Best not to let the DC know you've got this as a basis for your mission.

You might feel that he needs to "pay" but using your children as collateral isn't going to do your relationship with them any favours and they're dealing with one shit parental relationship as it is, they don't need another.

He hasn't got off pretty well. He' shown himself incapable of being a parent, and of maintaining a relationship with his children, who don't want to see him as a result. Hardly an enviable position?

Why doesn't he pay maintenance?

I expect you've already tried the CMS, but if you haven't, do get them to chase him. It might have the side-effect of him asking to see them again.

that’s my feelings on it i don’t tell the kids but in my op as said i think children do need 2 parents regardless of what people saying about children only need one parent i don’t agree with that personally and neither does the statistics.