Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Reaching out to absent parent...

47 replies

99IceCream99 · 09/11/2024 18:21

Just wanted some thoughts on this. So I was thinking of reaching out to my ex, well not technically as he contacted me first in the summer, but the children told me they didn't want to see him because of how long he has been absent (18 months) and the fact he constantly messed them around and was never consistent, however I'm a big believer that parents shouldn't just get to walk away from their children and I hate that so many men get to walk away as if their kids don't exist, imo it's wrong (obviously abuse aside) I hate that so many men get away with this, I know some would hope to be in my situation and hope their ex didn't bother but I am a big believer that children need both parents. I went with what they said but I think if he is consistent from now on they may give him another chance so how can I get him to prove he is going to stick around this time? I did tell him the kids didn't want contact because to quote from them "he will just go again" he said he won't this time 🤦🏻‍♀️ those who have been in this situation and ex been absent for a long time how did they prove themselves to be consistent going forward? And would you reach out to him or wait to see if he gets in contact again? Please dont say not to only advice on how to build this up and how he can show he is going to be consistent and regular this time round

OP posts:
Original poster
99IceCream99 · 09/11/2024 22:46

category12 · 09/11/2024 22:34

Why doesn't he pay maintenance?

I expect you've already tried the CMS, but if you haven't, do get them to chase him. It might have the side-effect of him asking to see them again.

he does not work

OP posts:
OchAyeTheN00 · 09/11/2024 22:47

Why fuck your kids lives up because you don’t want to let him off the hook?

OchAyeTheN00 · 09/11/2024 22:49

99IceCream99 · 09/11/2024 22:46

he does not work

Show quote history

What is this piece of shit offering then other than inconsistency? Save your children from this useless waste of oxygen. Seek support from family and friends instead if you need help.

Original poster
99IceCream99 · 09/11/2024 22:55

OchAyeTheN00 · 09/11/2024 22:49

What is this piece of shit offering then other than inconsistency? Save your children from this useless waste of oxygen. Seek support from family and friends instead if you need help.

Show quote history

i don’t have any family and friends won’t help with my children.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 09/11/2024 23:10

@99IceCream99 You completely missed the point of my post. You're doing this because you think it will make your life easier. It won't. You can't force him and he'll let them down again and again. No it's not fair. No he shouldn't be able to. Yes you're entitled to a life, yes you should have support. But you haven't and he will not give it. Do not make your children the collateral damage.

winter8090 · 10/11/2024 07:20

I also believe that children need both parents.

Ultimately the children will form their own
Opinions on whether he's been around or not and it seems they are starting to do this.

I think whats really important is that you don't get in the way of him seeing the children and are seem to facilitate the relationship as much as you can. But also you are not responsible for his relationship with the children.

I like the idea of offering him a weekly call to update him on the children.

IBlameTheDog · 10/11/2024 07:54

I believed that children need both parents too. I did everything when they were small to ensure they saw their father. It was on average around 6 times a year.

As they got older and didn't need me to 'orchestrate' the meetings, he just stopped seeing them.

My DC are 18 and 20 now and have almost zero contact.

I honestly don't know if I did the right thing.

socks1107 · 10/11/2024 10:04

How old are the children?
My ex walked away three times and came back after a prolonged period of absence, I have been guided by the dc. Move are now adults one seeks his love and will go over every few months and tell everyone that's really normal and she's happy, the other won't even call him dad and is considering no contact

Toomanysquishmallows · 10/11/2024 10:57

Hi , my eldest “dad” hasn’t seen her for 20 years, he also made contact impossible by refusing to give me his address or phone number ! I’m honestly relieved as he was always inconsistent and more interested in the ow.

ChristmasFluff · 10/11/2024 13:03

Well if you want to see if he is serious, you can contact CMS and get him paying maintenance. And then he can see the kids when he's been paying for them diligently - personally I'd want at least a year, but up to you how long you will accept.

Otherwise you are risking your children's mental health. At the moment, they have rejected him. If contact begins and then he buggers off again, he is rejecting them - not goos for a child's psyche.

He's not exactly taken you to court for access, has he? That speaks volumes.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 10/11/2024 18:14

99IceCream99 · 09/11/2024 22:55

i don’t have any family and friends won’t help with my children.

Show quote history

You're looking to him for help, and you're looking in the wrong direction. He's not going to do school runs, go shoe shopping, do parents evening, launder uniform. He's not. He's useless and he won't suddenly change because you suggest it. You don't have that power or control over the situation, and to think you do is deluded.

He doesn't work. He's not contributing finanancially or otherwise to their lives, because he doesn't give a shit about his DC.

The difference is that the DC have clocked all this and you haven't. Your flogging a dead horse will have a negative impact on them, all because you've got an agenda.

I'd be interested in which statistics which show the benefits of an inconsistent flakey deadbeat father who has to be cajoled to be back in the lives of children against their wishes.

Original poster
99IceCream99 · 10/11/2024 18:37

canyouletthedogoutplease · 10/11/2024 18:14

You're looking to him for help, and you're looking in the wrong direction. He's not going to do school runs, go shoe shopping, do parents evening, launder uniform. He's not. He's useless and he won't suddenly change because you suggest it. You don't have that power or control over the situation, and to think you do is deluded.

He doesn't work. He's not contributing finanancially or otherwise to their lives, because he doesn't give a shit about his DC.

The difference is that the DC have clocked all this and you haven't. Your flogging a dead horse will have a negative impact on them, all because you've got an agenda.

I'd be interested in which statistics which show the benefits of an inconsistent flakey deadbeat father who has to be cajoled to be back in the lives of children against their wishes.

Show quote history

there’s are statistics that show that children that have a father around do better than those that don’t. he is the one that suggested the change and he needs to take responsibility for the children he created i have done that for long enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
99IceCream99 · 10/11/2024 18:37

ChristmasFluff · 10/11/2024 13:03

Well if you want to see if he is serious, you can contact CMS and get him paying maintenance. And then he can see the kids when he's been paying for them diligently - personally I'd want at least a year, but up to you how long you will accept.

Otherwise you are risking your children's mental health. At the moment, they have rejected him. If contact begins and then he buggers off again, he is rejecting them - not goos for a child's psyche.

He's not exactly taken you to court for access, has he? That speaks volumes.

i am with cms he doesn’t have to pay he doesn’t work.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/11/2024 18:47

99IceCream99 · 09/11/2024 20:22

i would have to explain its a trail or why would i be asking for him to call once a week? we never speak on the phone.

FWIW I do think people deserve a second chance, none of us are perfect parents. That doesn't mean putting your kids in the firing line to be let down again, however.

I think if you asked him to call you weekly on a set day, at a set time that works for you, for a 5 minute update, you could tell him that you want him to be updated on how the kids are doing, after all they've grown such a lot since he last saw them, and it would be better for you and them and him to do "little and often" updates before taking the step of meeting up with them again.

Don't tell him "...and if you fuck this up it won't be happening". Just say that this process is what you need to feel comfortable with re-starting the contact process.

You didn't mention whether he has said what has brought about his new desire to be involved? Has he apologised for his previous flakiness? Does he understand how hurtful it was for his children to be sat waiting to see daddy only for daddy not to show up? If he hasn't acknowledged his poor behaviour and shown some empathy and the desire to make amends, then sadly I think he will fail the test. But he deserves a chance.

Uricon2 · 10/11/2024 19:58

Ah OP, I've been laughing my head off tonight after finding out, half a century + later that my birth father very nearly drowned when his yacht sank a few years after he'd sacked my pregnant mother (early 1960s), utterly disowned me and was a general horror all round.

Some fathers aren't worth having, truly. If they want to seek him out later, support them, but at the moment you have no reason to believe that he won't let them down again and it will hurt them more.

Guavafish1 · 10/11/2024 20:03

What happens if he lets the kids down again…. Who is at fault? You or him?

fool me twice …

sunsu · 10/11/2024 20:05

99IceCream99 · 10/11/2024 18:37

there’s are statistics that show that children that have a father around do better than those that don’t. he is the one that suggested the change and he needs to take responsibility for the children he created i have done that for long enough.

Show quote history

This is actually incorrect. There IS statistics that show children do well with one good, present adult in their life. Children can sadly have two present parents and do terribly, whereas if a child has one stable and loving adult to encourage and support them they are more likely to finish school, go on to work/further education. The suggestion that children need both parents is a myth that many believe but is factually incorrect.

category12 · 10/11/2024 20:25

99IceCream99 · 10/11/2024 18:37

there’s are statistics that show that children that have a father around do better than those that don’t. he is the one that suggested the change and he needs to take responsibility for the children he created i have done that for long enough.

Show quote history

I don't think they're thinking of any old disinterested unreliable biological father when they throw around that kind of statistic.

He doesn't sound like he'll bring much as a dad, really. He fucked off out of their lives, was unreliable and let them down repeatedly, and hasn't actually properly pursued contact since.

Is he unemployed due to illness or disability, or is he just a deadbeat?

winter8090 · 10/11/2024 20:57

IBlameTheDog · 10/11/2024 07:54

I believed that children need both parents too. I did everything when they were small to ensure they saw their father. It was on average around 6 times a year.

As they got older and didn't need me to 'orchestrate' the meetings, he just stopped seeing them.

My DC are 18 and 20 now and have almost zero contact.

I honestly don't know if I did the right thing.

I think you absolutely did.

You will never have to think "what if".

Original poster
99IceCream99 · 10/11/2024 21:35

there’s lots of statistics online that state children of lone parents have poorer outcomes in general life. can’t be bothered to link them all but particularly children that have no contact at all with their fathers/absent fathers. like i said i personally think fathers are important and men shouldn’t get to skip out of their kids as if they don’t exist and in many cases have more and raise those children so that means that they are capable of raising children.

he has had many chances over the 8 years this isn’t the only chance we’ve given it but maybe he has grown up a bit, has anyone actually been through this and how did you reintroduce contact slowly?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 11/11/2024 09:10

99IceCream99 · 10/11/2024 21:35

there’s lots of statistics online that state children of lone parents have poorer outcomes in general life. can’t be bothered to link them all but particularly children that have no contact at all with their fathers/absent fathers. like i said i personally think fathers are important and men shouldn’t get to skip out of their kids as if they don’t exist and in many cases have more and raise those children so that means that they are capable of raising children.

he has had many chances over the 8 years this isn’t the only chance we’ve given it but maybe he has grown up a bit, has anyone actually been through this and how did you reintroduce contact slowly?

Firstly, I take issue with your "stats". I've raised my son alone from 2 years old (not by choice) and he is a beautiful young man. Despite his AuDHD, he has blossomed because of my consistent parenting and having a calm and secure home life. This is the same for my many lone parent friends. The truth is my ex-husband was a nightmare of a parent and I am glad he's gone. I was wholly prepared to co-parent with him but he was unable to do that. Regular abandonment for two years or more caused more damage to my child than him disappearing completely. As I previously said, I sought counselling for my son to help him come to terms. Now he has no interest whatsoever in having a relationship with my ex and if he were to reappear, that is what he'd be told and the consequences of his own actions. Children are not toys to pick up and put down. Again, I agree with you that it "shouldn't be allowed" but it is and there is no obligation on the part of absent parents to stop being arseholes I'm afraid.

I think you're going to struggle to find somebody who has done this successfully and so far, this thread shows that. That is because those of us who have lived this know that it is wrong to repeatedly traumatise children who have already suffered more than enough. It is frustrating reading you continually saying that he shouldn't get away with it and I agree but that's not what the law says and it's also not what is in the best interests of previously abandoned children. The "stats" mean absolutely nothing unless you have a strong, consistent supportive father. I'm afraid it comes down to you to provide that stable base.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 11/11/2024 10:17

99IceCream99 · 10/11/2024 21:35

there’s lots of statistics online that state children of lone parents have poorer outcomes in general life. can’t be bothered to link them all but particularly children that have no contact at all with their fathers/absent fathers. like i said i personally think fathers are important and men shouldn’t get to skip out of their kids as if they don’t exist and in many cases have more and raise those children so that means that they are capable of raising children.

he has had many chances over the 8 years this isn’t the only chance we’ve given it but maybe he has grown up a bit, has anyone actually been through this and how did you reintroduce contact slowly?

The statistics that you can't be bothered to quote actually show that the socioeconomic factors are more detrimental than the absent of one shit parent. It's a wider issue, and it's not two parents good, one parent bad, especially if one parent can't be arsed getting a job so he can support his children. This, if you look properly into the research, is what's detrimental.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page