Am I in the wrong for not wanting sex from my husband

[Bebe29]

So I’m seeking advice. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 11 years and only married for 3 years. We have a beautiful daughter who is aged 17 months.

I live not only with my small family, I live with my bother in law 😒. My husband’s dad built our house for his sons to live in. My brother in law is always in his room like a teenager! However the walls are not sound proof and the house is open planned.
before I moved in my sex drive was quite high and I enjoyed every moment with my husband. But since moving, getting married and having our daughter my sex drive has hit rock bottom.

Ive explained to my husband that I have no desire in having sex anymore. He has expressed that he feels unwanted and that I don’t love him anymore. I love him but I just don’t want / like having sex. I’ve been to the doctors and they were no help! I’ve had scans on my womb as I’ve got consistent pain on one side when having sex.

My husband is always asking for sex and trying to get me in the mood or a wired ways of asking me if I want sex. It weirds me out and I feel like I’m always being pressured to have sex. Like I’ve had sex with him recently and I’ve realised I’m just not enjoying it. I’ve openly said to him I don’t want have sex anymore. Why does a relationship got to revolve around sex?

so what I’m asking is do I need to work on myself or should I try and speak to him again about this?

If he doesn’t want a sexless marriage and you do splitting up is the solution.

If you're in pain there is something wrong. Go back to the doctor. Maybe you haven't healed well post birth?
But also, are you still breastfeeding? I totally lost my libido for the whole time I fed but since I stopped it has come back.
Your BIL being in the next room is a huge mood killer too. Can you talk to your husband about moving to a home of your own? Or him moving out, if he's at yours?
Do you have any time together just you and him?
Have you been to couples therapy?
He should definitely try to compromise with you, but if you really don't want sex at all then you have to discuss with him whether you allow an open marriage or whether he would like to separate.

You're allowed to not want sex.
He's allowed to want a relationship that includes sex.
As a pp said, it might be that splitting up is the answer if in the long term you have no interest in sex with him, and he's not happy with a sexless relationship

You are going to have to speak to him about it again I think. You can't just pretend it's not an issue or ignore it.

I have to say, I wouldn't want to live with my brother in law.

I’ve openly said to him I don’t want have sex anymore. Why does a relationship got to revolve around sex?
I don't think a relationship revolves around sex but in a marriage it's an important component. Otherwise your relationship is just a friendship which isn't what your husband wants.

How would it make you feel to split up? Would you be happier as that's the most obvious solution really.

I don’t think you should have sex you don’t want but it seems the lost sex drive is a dramatic change for you and I would consider going to the doctor again just to check everything is as it should be.

Your husband is not unreasonable to want sex with his wife but shouldn’t be pressuring you. That is not attractive to anyone and likely to put you off even more.

If you want to stay in your marriage I would have a chat with your DH and promise to look into why your sex drive has vanished, what you think could encourage it to return, and in the meantime sex if off the cards for x amount of time because the pressure is not helping the issue.

If you are happy with no sex drive then consider splitting or opening up your marriage. Communication is key regardless what option you choose together.

The old wording for the marriage ceremony says:
"With my body I thee worship"
Sexual intercourse is a vital part of being man and wife.

Never have sex you don't want. You need to be clear with your husband that you want a celibate relationship and ask him to stop pestering you for sex.

I agree with your first sentence but not the second . Presumably they are still quite young so a celibate marriage will only work if both people agree.

You think he should continue pestering her for sex? He's unlikely to want to remain celibate for the rest of his life and will likely finish the relationship.

Of course not . I clearly said I agree with your first sentence !
Did you actually read my reply ?

What an absolute load of shite.

Yes, it is an important part of a relationship for many people. But equally lots of others aren’t fussed or can’t have sex for all kinds of reasons. It really is down to communication and compromise and sometimes the only way forwards is to split, but it doesn’t mean sex has to be part of being married.

You don't want and he does. You're incompatible so unless you're happy with him having affairs to satisfy his needs which may ultimately happen, then you should do the right thing and split up.

I don't think it's a load of old shite to say that sex is an important part of a successful marriage.

It's one thing if you can't have sex. But to just not want to is a different thing.

If my dh decided he didn't want to work any more or if he didn't want to talk anymore then that would be a dealbreaker for me. But if he couldn't do those things then that's a different issue.

I agree with your first sentence but not the second .

My first sentence was: Never have sex you don't want.

My second sentence was:
You need to be clear with your husband that you want a celibate relationship and ask him to stop pestering you for sex.

From my interpretation you don't agree with her asking him to stop pestering her for sex after telling him she wants a celibate relationship. That's what my second sentence was and meant.

Surely there are at least two factors here. You are in pain which isn't right. Go back to the doctor and insist on a referral

Two - I would have thought you are very inhibited by your BiL being right there!

This is not a sustainable situation. Doesn't your husband realise this?

Do you think you would be wanting to have sex if you didn't live in a house where someone could hear you or if you didn't have the pain ?I

If the answer is yes , then you need to chase up the reason for the pain with the Dr ( as it can't be right to have been fobbed off ) and surly your bil goes out sometimes or you could find a spot in the house away from his room to dtd , or away from home .

But the point is you’re imposing your own values on others marriages, which may be completely different to your own.

A lot of people who have high sex drives just cannot comprehend how others have no desire for it at all. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with them, anymore than there’s something wrong with someone who does want sex.

(I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum myself at different points in my life).

It's the same as so many posts on this board and on the sex board.
You are not being unreasonable but neither is he to say that he does want sex.
I'm 46yrs and would be so sad if my partner said it wasn't on the table anymore, I might try to get over it but I don't think I would.

I’ve spoken to him number of time’s he loves me for me, same I do for him. But sex seems to be a massive thing for him. I am going back to the doctors about this again for the third time! I feel as if my drive has gone and I feel pressured because we are married. I don’t see why sex is so important, maybe I’m the odd one for saying that…. However I think my hormones are still not right. I haven’t breastfed my daughter and I’ve still got milk producing? Considering my daughter is 17 months I thought it of gone by now??

Yes, I do think you’re right. It so awkward with him being here. I think when we go on our get away it might do us some good.

It's not unusual to have your sex drive tank for a bit with a baby/toddler. It can come back. What contraception are you using? In general going to your GP and asking for more help with the pain and possible other contraceptive ideas would be good.

For now, I think both you and your husband could be kinder to each other, and some space to yourselves could help with that.

If you are still lactating but not breastfeeding your child there is something wrong. Hormonal imbalance could be part of your lack of desire. You need to get this checked immediately.

You should also talk with your husband about having his brother so close. Maybe you need an addition to the house that gives you some privacy as a family.

I’m on the Pill I’ve had the implant before but it had been place wrong and I fell pregnant and lost it. I’m unsure about the coil.

I think you’re right for sure that thinking and space will do us some good. Don’t get me wrong I know I’m incredibly lucky with my husband he would do anything for me and he is very loyal. He can be a pain in the butt but what man isn’t? We are only 29 and 30 and are marriage is still early days.
Maybe it’s my hormones but to me a marriage shouldn’t have to revolve around sex. Yeah it’s a good aspect for some but right now I feel pressured into it.

Honestly when we are intermediate I just can’t get into it. When I say no he pestering me. When I want to go to bed because I’m tired he still tries. When the BIL has just left he’s trying it on. There’s no romance there’s no flirting or wooing me. It’s just I want sex and I want it now but not in a violent way or angry way it’s just he wants the attention and the desire of me to just wanting me to have sex with him.

You went into this relationship with a healthy sex drive.
This is the relationship he agreed to. It's quite understandable for him to want to continue the relationship as it was. Honestly, if you had told him years ago: "hey, we're going to have sex for a while, and then suddenly it will stop and I'll never want sex with you again", you probably wouldn't have ended up together.

That doesn't mean you're at fault, or you should be having sex against your will!
It just means I understand where he's coming from. You made a unilateral decision to ban sex from your relationship. That's got to be difficult for him.

At the same time I understand you as well. A lot of women struggle with their sex drives after pregnancy, or due to hormonal contraceptives. Or maybe the person you've become over the years doesn't just want transactional sex anymore (I want sex now, let's do it now), but you want to be seduced and romanced, and he hasn't really caught on.

Either way, taking sex completely off the table, as a onesided decision isn't going to work. Because either he has to live a celibate life, involuntarily (and why would he do that?), or you have to have sex against your will (which sounds horrible).
Maybe you could have a conversation with him where you give it a certain timeframe, say a year.
In this year, work on your sex life. Both as a couple as individually. You can try out different contraceptives, get your hormones back in balance, rediscover your body post-motherhood. Your husband needs to work on understanding how you function sexually as the woman you are today. Meaning he has to understand that the more relaxed and care-free you are, the more you've slept well and had time to shower and have some self care, the more he handles child-care and household tasks and shares the mental load, the more likely it is that you'll get into a romantic mood.

If after a year of working on things you see no difference, then it's up to you both to decide whether you want to stay together or not. Or even discuss more untraditional options, like opening up your marriage and allowing him to satisfy his sexual needs elsewhere (although I wouldn't recommend it, more often than not this just breaks down the marriage even further).

A relationship can't survive if one person wants sex and the other doesn't it's as simple as that . Your husband isn't in the wrong but neither are you , you both want different things