Am I in the wrong for not wanting sex from my husband

[Bebe29]

So I’m seeking advice. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 11 years and only married for 3 years. We have a beautiful daughter who is aged 17 months.

I live not only with my small family, I live with my bother in law 😒. My husband’s dad built our house for his sons to live in. My brother in law is always in his room like a teenager! However the walls are not sound proof and the house is open planned.
before I moved in my sex drive was quite high and I enjoyed every moment with my husband. But since moving, getting married and having our daughter my sex drive has hit rock bottom.

Ive explained to my husband that I have no desire in having sex anymore. He has expressed that he feels unwanted and that I don’t love him anymore. I love him but I just don’t want / like having sex. I’ve been to the doctors and they were no help! I’ve had scans on my womb as I’ve got consistent pain on one side when having sex.

My husband is always asking for sex and trying to get me in the mood or a wired ways of asking me if I want sex. It weirds me out and I feel like I’m always being pressured to have sex. Like I’ve had sex with him recently and I’ve realised I’m just not enjoying it. I’ve openly said to him I don’t want have sex anymore. Why does a relationship got to revolve around sex?

so what I’m asking is do I need to work on myself or should I try and speak to him again about this?

First I'd go the GUM clinic for a full screen and check up. The pain you describe is what I remember when I had Chlamydia. Of course it might be because you feel repressed because you have an unwanted housemate.

Your relationship would probably improve if you didn't live with your BIL. What's it going to be like when he hooks up with someone and starts a family.

Communal living is not for everyone.

Oh dear OP it sounds like a vicious cycle- the more he pesters the more stressed you feel about it and the less you want it. And sounds like youve had some bad experiences forcing yourself through it while unaroused and in pain. Your dc is still tiny and you've got your brother in law right there- it would be hard for anyone to get in the mood under those conditions. I think you should ask your dh for a complete break for 6 months and not to ask you for it at all in that time so you can reset. Agree with pp re keeping on at the doctor for solutions to pain and possible hormonal imbalance

"I am going back to the doctors about this again for the third time! I feel as if my drive has gone and I feel pressured because we are married. I don’t see why sex is so important, maybe I’m the odd one for saying that…. However I think my hormones are still not right. I haven’t breastfed my daughter and I’ve still got milk producing? Considering my daughter is 17 months I thought it of gone by now??"

Do not be fobbed off, there is something amiss here. Excess prolactin levels can be treated with tablets and that should stop the lactating.

You need a referral to a gynae also. Deep pain on one side can be associated with endometriosis and that is not picked up through blood tests or ultrasound scans; are your periods very painful and or heavy too?.

You as a family unit living with BIL under the same roof is a disaster really; this is never going to work. Its no wonder your sex drive has crashed.

Is there any opportunity for the three of you as a family unit to move out and away from FIL and BIL?.

It's absolutely fine and acceptable for you not to place a lot of importance on sex in a marriage. It's equally fine for your husband to acknowledge that sex is something he needs and wants. If the two of you are not compatible in what you want then it could be that the relationship has run its course. It's unfair for you to feel under pressure, but also unfair for him to have to go without something that's important to him.

Hormonal contraception can completely kill your sex drive. Add a fairly recent birth plus your body is still lactating and it's no wonder you have no sex drive. If you also have pain you definitely need to have this investigated.

Unfortunately many young men have a very high sex drive and if you're not having regular sex he can get a bit desperate which is resulting in the pestering and a vicious circle where that turns you off even more. Men also report feeling unloved when repeatedly refused sex. I would firstly explain you are having medical issues and ask him to stop asking until you have seen the doctor. Would he use condoms if you came off the pill to see if that helps?

Ultimately a marriage , especially with a young couple is based on having a sex life. If you don't want sex at all, you might have to divorce.

Move out to your own place. It's not natural to share a house with your brother in law or any in-laws. Having a baby and now 17 months all three of you need your own space, even if it's rented. Get out now!