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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Raging at conspiracy theorist ex

44 replies

StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 09:33

I’m so upset & raging at what’s just happened. Ex turns up to collect DD & she mentions she’s got a sticker as she had her nasal flu vac yesterday. He starts ranting about vaccines & i shouldn’t have agreed with out his consent & all sorts of other stuff infront of DD. I told him I’d let him know next time but that she would still be having it & he doesn’t agree, he can take me to court.

He also openly talks in front of her about his admiration of trump, Andrew Tate, Russell brand, new world order, government changing of weather, putin etc. he often calls me a feminist too. He continually points out to DD how women are lesser I.e while driving he’ll say ‘knew this would be a woman’.

He then taps my water filter & says ‘says it all about you’ looks at DD & says he’ll ring the ‘loony asylum’ for mummy.

I’m absolutely raging & upset. I don’t want her to grow up like this😩 Any advice on how I offset this? I’m very upset.

OP posts:
user1467300911 · 09/11/2024 09:35

I don’t have any advice but big sympathies, he sounds absolutely awful 💐

Autumnblackberries · 09/11/2024 09:35

I would be looking at how I can decrease contact. It's almost safeguardimg territory.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2024 09:36

Is contact court ordered or is this an informal arrangement between you two?. If it is an informal arrangement then cease this with immediate effect. You both need to stay away from him. If its court ordered then I would contact them on Monday.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 09:38

No court order. She doesn’t stay over. She sees him on Saturdays from 9-6 but today I will be picking her up early as he’s going out. I don’t push more contact as I want her to have my personality.

I’m absolutely fucking fuming about this.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2024 09:43

If there is no court order in place then do not send your child to him. You both need to stay well away from him. If he kicks off phone the police.

He was abusive to you when you were together and he has not changed now that you have split up from him.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. Do you want her to grow up believing that women are lesser because her father told her so and to end up potentially with someone like her dad?. She needs decent male and female role models; her dad does not fit the bill here.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 09:49

I’m in a position where I don’t have any men in my life, no dad, male sibling etc. she sees a lot of my friends husbands but he’s so opinionated. I constantly tell her girls can do anything. I said she couldn’t go today but he wouldn’t leave. I want someone in authority to tell him it’s got to stop really or limit the time even further that he sees her (only for her benefit). She does like seeing him but she’d be happy to see him less.

it’s a mess and it started with Covid.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 09:51

I wonder if should speak to the school😭

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2024 09:54

If she is happy to see him less then allow her to see him less. You have the authority here. If he wants contact that bloody much then he can take you to court re access.

Is she interested in any sports?. She needs to see decent and productive male role models in her life.

It also sounds like you need a complete change too; your friends H is opinionated as well.

Autumnblackberries · 09/11/2024 09:54

School, GP, or anyone who can start a safeguarding referral.
He will be cross and take it as further evidence that women are evil etc etc but you need to protect your DD from this rubbish.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2024 09:57

re your comment
"I said she couldn’t go today but he wouldn’t leave.

So I guess your daughter has gone out with him today.

What are you going to do next week when he shows up?. I would respectfully suggest you are out or otherwise not open the door to him. If he further kicks off then call the police. I would now consider access to your child only at a contact centre because this informal arrangement is only benefitting him.

Bakedpotatoes · 09/11/2024 09:58

OP, my ex is the same. I just ignore him and the kids have the measure of him now and also ignore him when he starts.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2024 09:58

And do speak to the school and or the GP. You need a safeguarding referral for your DD given the misogynistic rubbish he spouts.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/11/2024 10:09

Get one of the parent apps and only communicate via that.
How old is your daughter?

LostittoBostik · 09/11/2024 10:14

Speak to school for advice. They will take the Andrew Tate stuff very seriously

Anon1274 · 09/11/2024 10:16

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2024 09:43

If there is no court order in place then do not send your child to him. You both need to stay well away from him. If he kicks off phone the police.

He was abusive to you when you were together and he has not changed now that you have split up from him.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. Do you want her to grow up believing that women are lesser because her father told her so and to end up potentially with someone like her dad?. She needs decent male and female role models; her dad does not fit the bill here.

Pretty stupid advice given that his current contact is only a few hours on a saturday afternoon with no overnights. If she stopped contact and forced him to court he could end up with 50/50. Theres’s nothing there at all that the courts would care about regarding child safety and contact.
Op I think you just need to be aware of the ridiculous comments your daughter is exposed to, and do everything in your power to counteract his influence. I’m guessing you’re doing that already. Make sure shes exposed to male role models who are more positive if possible

Anon1274 · 09/11/2024 10:19

StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 09:49

I’m in a position where I don’t have any men in my life, no dad, male sibling etc. she sees a lot of my friends husbands but he’s so opinionated. I constantly tell her girls can do anything. I said she couldn’t go today but he wouldn’t leave. I want someone in authority to tell him it’s got to stop really or limit the time even further that he sees her (only for her benefit). She does like seeing him but she’d be happy to see him less.

it’s a mess and it started with Covid.

Op literally no one is going to be interested in getting involved as your ex likes andrew tate, thinks female drivers are inferior and likes to pretend mummys loony for drinking water. Whoever the pp is who said they’ll take this stuff seriously has no experience with child protection.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 10:23

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2024 09:54

If she is happy to see him less then allow her to see him less. You have the authority here. If he wants contact that bloody much then he can take you to court re access.

Is she interested in any sports?. She needs to see decent and productive male role models in her life.

It also sounds like you need a complete change too; your friends H is opinionated as well.

Sorry, I worded that wrong. My fault! All my friend’s boyfriends & husbands are great! No extreme opinions or conspiracy theories.

She isn’t really interested in sports but I might try again as there’s a junior football club that her friend goes to.

I think I will change drop off & pick ups.he’s messaged so I’ve sent below & he’s said I’m potty!

100% not. I will consult you but it won’t change the outcome. You can take me to court if you don’t like it. Consiracy theorists are dangerous for children’s minds along with all your other dangerous opinions I.e Andrew Tate etc. I won’t have you brainwashing a child, you’re an irresponsible parent. I will be watching this closely & of if I need to, I will take it further, it’s a safeguarding issue. Your extreme opinions are not appropriate for a child’s mind.

I’m still shaking

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 10:27

Anon1274 · 09/11/2024 10:16

Pretty stupid advice given that his current contact is only a few hours on a saturday afternoon with no overnights. If she stopped contact and forced him to court he could end up with 50/50. Theres’s nothing there at all that the courts would care about regarding child safety and contact.
Op I think you just need to be aware of the ridiculous comments your daughter is exposed to, and do everything in your power to counteract his influence. I’m guessing you’re doing that already. Make sure shes exposed to male role models who are more positive if possible

Show quote history

I won’t stop contact but I will reduce it. I’ll just say she’s wanting to be with her friends more(true) & try & get more males in her life somehow.

I will try & offset as best I can.

OP posts:
WaveyGodshawk · 09/11/2024 10:30

Absolutely is safeguarding issue. I've been through something similar OP if you want to pm me x

sunflowersngunpowdr · 09/11/2024 10:31

StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 09:33

I’m so upset & raging at what’s just happened. Ex turns up to collect DD & she mentions she’s got a sticker as she had her nasal flu vac yesterday. He starts ranting about vaccines & i shouldn’t have agreed with out his consent & all sorts of other stuff infront of DD. I told him I’d let him know next time but that she would still be having it & he doesn’t agree, he can take me to court.

He also openly talks in front of her about his admiration of trump, Andrew Tate, Russell brand, new world order, government changing of weather, putin etc. he often calls me a feminist too. He continually points out to DD how women are lesser I.e while driving he’ll say ‘knew this would be a woman’.

He then taps my water filter & says ‘says it all about you’ looks at DD & says he’ll ring the ‘loony asylum’ for mummy.

I’m absolutely raging & upset. I don’t want her to grow up like this😩 Any advice on how I offset this? I’m very upset.

Don't procreate with people who don't have the same values as you. He is her father and she has just as much right to see him and know him as she has a right to know you. Perhaps try and speak to him to understand why he thinks like that and ask him to tone it down in front of your daughter instead ranting like some intolerant, oppressive authoritarian who can't tolerate anyone else having different views to you.

Suimai · 09/11/2024 10:32

Autumnblackberries · 09/11/2024 09:35

I would be looking at how I can decrease contact. It's almost safeguardimg territory.

In what way is it safeguarding territory? I stopped contact as my ds had constant hospitalisations during his time with his father as his father smokes cannabis around him. His father is regularly raided by the police as he’s a known class a dealer. The final straw for me was getting my little boy ready for bed one night and seeing a massive black bruise covering half of his chest, his entire left side and some of his back. Turned out his dad put him on the back of a motorbike, pulled off and he fell off. He was told to not tell mummy what had happened. He was back in hospital for ex rays on his ribs. My ex took me to court and has just been awarded every Wednesday afternoon and overnights every other weekend, unsupervised. My son is 3. Good luck reducing contact as his dad’s an Andrew Tate fan and doesn’t like the flu jab.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 10:34

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/11/2024 10:09

Get one of the parent apps and only communicate via that.
How old is your daughter?

She’s 8. I don’t mind communicating with him, I’m confident that I can deal with him. I’m just worried about what he’s teaching her.

I need to round up some decent men🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 10:36

Suimai · 09/11/2024 10:32

In what way is it safeguarding territory? I stopped contact as my ds had constant hospitalisations during his time with his father as his father smokes cannabis around him. His father is regularly raided by the police as he’s a known class a dealer. The final straw for me was getting my little boy ready for bed one night and seeing a massive black bruise covering half of his chest, his entire left side and some of his back. Turned out his dad put him on the back of a motorbike, pulled off and he fell off. He was told to not tell mummy what had happened. He was back in hospital for ex rays on his ribs. My ex took me to court and has just been awarded every Wednesday afternoon and overnights every other weekend, unsupervised. My son is 3. Good luck reducing contact as his dad’s an Andrew Tate fan and doesn’t like the flu jab.

Show quote history

This is awful😩

I understand what you’re saying, i just wish it was a safeguarding issue. I don’t want her to grow up with these views.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 09/11/2024 10:38

I’d raise it with school and ask if it will be dealt with in the curriculum soon. Hopefully if she’s gets reinforcement of sensible views from school it will lessen the impact.

On a lesser level, we had to manage seeing DGPs with very vocal Brexit opinions when our DS2 was 7/8. We didn’t end up with a leaver in our house. Our views had a bigger impact, so don’t panic that she’ll buy into his cracked views.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 09/11/2024 10:40

sunflowersngunpowdr · 09/11/2024 10:31

Don't procreate with people who don't have the same values as you. He is her father and she has just as much right to see him and know him as she has a right to know you. Perhaps try and speak to him to understand why he thinks like that and ask him to tone it down in front of your daughter instead ranting like some intolerant, oppressive authoritarian who can't tolerate anyone else having different views to you.

Show quote history

People change. I haven’t but he has. All of this started in the pandemic with no signs before & it’s gradually got worse. I can’t get him to understand anything. He’s replied saying he doesn’t & wont let his extreme opinions known in front of her but who knows!

She does have a right to see him & I would never stop that.

OP posts: