What was this?

[FridayWorries]

Hello, I’ve name changed. I’m a 40-something mum, divorced.

Hadn’t seen my DP for a few weeks (we live in different places). He knew I’d had a rough few weeks and was coming over to look after me, all very promising.

Over the past days, by text, interlaced with these ideas about looking after me, have been lots of sexual innuendo. He made it very clear he really wanted to do it. It got the tone completely wrong but I let it go.

Then, when he did come over yesterday he was really gagging for it, and did lots of sex things I think were very rough given the context: pushing my head down during oral sex and being quite dominant during intercourse, ‘do this, show me this’ rather than focusing on my pleasure, wanting to do all the positions all round the house. I was quite surprised and didn’t say anything about it afterwards, though throughout the sex I was saying ‘be more gentle’ etc.

It’s not his usual style really, he’s often considerate and shy. I feel really upset that he ignored what I needed and behaved like that. Does anyone have a way to make sense of it? Why would a man suddenly act like this? I am often quite into sex but it was obvious I was feeling sensitive and needed something softer.

I don't know, but I don't like the sound of it. How do you feel about it and him now?

I don't condone his behaviour and sorry for your experience, but did you clearly state your needs....you said you 'let it go' and 'didn't say anything about it later'. It sounds like you maybe you find it difficult to state and maintain boundaries? This is not intended to find fault/ blame anything like that, it was just an observation on how you worded it. I hope you are okay

Time to let this one go, I think. He's shown you who he is. No respect, didn't listen to what you wanted and actually didn't care as long as he got what he wanted. Not a good man.

I used to go out with someone like this. It never got any better.

Have you been together long? It sounds unpleasantly as if the idea of you going through a difficult time/ being vulnerable and him being dominant over you was a turnon for him. Is he usually into dominating or rough sex or ignoring your needs?

Has he been watching porn?

Sounds like he's been watching porn. If he totally ignored what you were telling him, you need to rethink the relationship. Not respecting your boundaries is a big deal.

Or seeing prostitutes.

pushing my head down during oral sex is an instant dump I'm afraid. It negates consent unless you gave very very clear consent to it beforehand And had a safe 'word' way out. It stops you from telling him to stop while making you do something.

Dump and tell him why.

We’ve been together a few years and I’ve known him longer before. I think there’s something in what you’ve said, sadly. He’s one of those guys who doesn’t dare to be dominating usually but I think would quite like to be. Maybe the power dynamic emboldened him.

I said quite a lot before that I was feeling sensitive and needed gentleness etc. But yes I suppose I did find it hard in the quick moment.

Quite ick. But mainly just sad as to I can’t see why he did it. Every time he began doing something that could have been for my pleasure it became obvious he was not going to do it in that spirit, but rather for his own pleasure almost in a quite detached/visual way. Not connected if you see what I mean. It felt like something else was driving it, like possessiveness or insecurity— not connection. It was different to our usual way.

I could ask him. I just know it wouldn’t go well and that he doesn’t have a good vocabulary for this kind of stuff.

It sounds like he did take full advantage of your vulnerable state and got kicks from it? The fact you felt unable to say much during or afterwards would worry me. It doesn't sound enjoyable for you. Would you feel comfortable asking him why he went on like this?

Do you still want to be with THIS man? Not the man he was before he did this but the man now.

You told him to be more gentle. He ignored you. Therefore, he sexually assaulted you.

@FridayWorries tbh my partner doesn’t live with me but if I am ill, he will
actually come over to look after me and won’t touch me in a sexual way. Plenty of hugs and kisses but he won’t go there unless I fell well enough and initiate. I think him laying out his expectation of sex when he comes over put you in an awkward / vulnerable position I the first place. Surely him making the suggestions while you were ill must have given your head a wobble?

@FridayWorries ah well if he doesn't have a good vocabulary about this stuff (that's bad!) and you are left feeling bad and confused then you really need to cut contact...forever.

I’m so sorry. I would be just as upset by this as you are. If you don’t feel able to speak to him about it now, after the fact, nor during the act, then I think that says some hard things about the relationship as a whole. I’d really urge you to centre yourself and consider if this is a man you want to see again.

So he knew you were feeling vulnerable and that you wanted tenderness and had asked for that, and decided instead to be rough and pushy?

I think he needs dumping.

Cos that's not loving, that's taking advantage and making life worse for you, not better.

That's not what you need in a partner, someone who gets off on your misery, if we're honest.

Porn, or possibly cocaine use - or maybe both.

Thanks everyone. I still feel rotten about it, but you’ve certainly helped me think. It’s not the feeling I wanted from a partner.

My first instinct was he's been getting ideas from porn. If you really like him explain that you don't like it and that porn isn't real life.

It just seems so odd, and he’s a clever man, he must know not to copy pornography… I don’t know if I could get back into things now at all.

To be blunt, I'd say it was rape. I don't understand how someone can be so out of tune with their partners wants that they'd carry on with such aggressive sex when their partner clearly wasn't into it.

A couple of ex's occasionally wants to be thrown around and treated roughly. But it was always done at her request, and with discussion about boundaries and limits and safe words beforehand.

Without that, there's no trust.

I don't know why you'd want to stay with him. The reason he wants to is because he wants rough, unpleasant for the woman, sex. There's an awful lot of men like this out there.