Scared husband will leave if I stop working

[Curlygirl123]

I’m curious if it’s normal to feel like this and I’d love some advice.

Ive been married for 3 years together for 10 years (we met at school) and when we got married I was pregnant with DS.

I stopped working after I gave birth because I was working a contract and received a lump sum mat payment, during that time my husband I wasn’t working my husband expected me to do all household duties (not a problem as understood I’m at home). He didn’t lift a finger. However he also regularly berated me for not working,I’m lazy, do nothing, don’t contribute, hold him back from saving, never have enough money, “If you don’t go back to work..”, “I don’t want a wife that doesn’t work..” etc. I had a side job from home but it was probably like £100 p/m.

I went back to work when DS was 15 months old and I did all the household duties PLUS my job. Now I’m in a higher position and a more stressful job recently went through 2 miscarriages, we have serious doubts about our childminder, and I feel like I’d like to leave my job and have some time off and find another job in the new year.

I am so jaded by my last experience because I was made to feel so utterly worthless and even though he says he’ll support my decision I don’t trust him.

What would you do? Part of me thinks I should be prepared that when I stop working he’ll end up leaving me and the kids. That was the biggest drive for me last time was to find a job to stop him being so unhappy and leaving.

He doesn’t sound like a nice husband atall…
I think you need to do what’s right for you and your family here.
you say you have doubts about your childminder? Could you find another?
in fairness a decision like losing an income has to be joint and you both need to be on board. He sounds as though he was very nasty the last time and it doesn’t sound like he pulls much weight.

Honestly, if you don't trust your husband (and I don't blame you), you have bigger problems than giving up work or not.

In your shoes, I wouldn't give up work. Find a new childminder/childcare and make sure I was financially secure enough to evaluate whether I wanted to stay in a relationship with a man who belittles me.

Why do you want more children with this man?

He sounds awful and a lazy bastard. Are you sure this is what you want?

Sounds like the trash would be taking itself out...

He told you with his words and actions that he doesn’t want a wife a wife who doesn’t work. You need to listen to him and plan accordingly…with or without him.

He sounds deeply unpleasant and not open to compromise so I think it will end up being his way or the highway but you need to do what’s best for you.

Why on Earth have you stayed with this nasty prick? Please don't have further children with him. You deserve better than this.

Op - I think that it would be beneficial for you to put plans to have another child on hold for the time being. Give yourself some breathing space to work out what you want.

What’s his justification for you doing all the household work now???

he sounds awful

I would keep working but leave him and find a new childminder. He sounds absolutely awful and lazy to boot.

I’d start by redressing issues within the relationship - aka the fact he STILL doesn’t lift a finger and shows no respect for you and the work you do in the house.

Being a SAHP only works if the other partner actually appreciates how hard it is to be a SAHP, the amount of work that is involved etc..,

The problem you have there is that you have a husband who feels hw and parenting is a woman’s job. It’s also no work at all and easy.
His attitude when you were on ML just reflect his attitude now you’re working.

And it’s basically putting you in an impossible situation. Struggle and be told you’re lazy etc… if you dint work. Or struggle and have to deal with CM, burning yourself out if you work.

Maybe you’d be better off on your own, working but getting CM from him instead.

Stay employed. Think of your pension /future. Change childminders, perhaps look at one in the area you work in or along the journey to work vs your village

what would I do?
sorry I would leave him - life is too short and too hard. if the person who is meant to be your biggest fan in life is not supportive and dragging you down...be free to meet someone who cherishes you.

He sounds like a shit husband tbh! Unsupportive, ungrateful and belittling. Why would you want another baby with someone that has that attitude?

DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP. If more housework needs doing/kids looking after if he wants that done he can drop his hours.

Focus on building your career and make this loser shoulder some of the burden for once. Honestly YABU for putting up with an absolute beta male loser.

Thanks for all your responses! I think this hits the nail on the head and he does 100% believe I should shoulder the house/kids responsibility because I’m the woman and their mum. It was easier to accept when I didn’t also work 8 hours of the day and then rely on a childminder.

I do feel like it’s an impossible situation because I also don’t want to be a single parent and when I got married never imagined I would be, but I know I will struggle whether I’m working or not. Even if it’s not financially it’ll be mentally even harder (at least for the first few years). I think I’ll have to make a plan A and B and see what he does.

From what you've described that would be a bonus, wouldn't it?

Oh please where did you find this lowlife.
You deserve so much more (or less ie get rid of his lazy arse)

He’s a misogynistic prick who wants a servant who also pays his bills. What a fucking prize

Honestly id forget another baby and get out also. What example is this setting your child that women get spoken to and treated like shit?

What would I do? I'd stop thinking about him leaving me and leave him. I'd always rather be single than in a relationship with a man who doesn't like or respect me.
What's right for you might not be what's right for me but I'd make it crystal clear for him that the easy ride is over and he will now be given 50% of household jobs and responsibilities.

You say you don’t want to be a single mum. I’ve been a single mum. I can categorically tell you that it was so much easier being a single mum, living without someone berating and belittling me every day and making me feel worthless. I also got time off when my child went to his dads. It’s much easier being a single mum than living with an abusive man. I also didn’t want my child to grow up thinking that’s how women should be treated or to accept being talked down to. I wanted to show my child that self respect is essential and that you don’t eat crap from anyone, no matter who they are. Your husband is abusive. You will either be worthless because you don’t work, or worthless because you don’t keep the house clean enough, or do all the childcare or, or, or……… There will always be some reason why you are inferior to him. He is the man and therefore superior to you, a mere woman. Don’t live like that. It will destroy you. Be strong for your child and plan your exit. Speak to women’s aid if you need support to make a plan for your future.

Have a read of this

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

He sees the money he earns as solely his and not family money despite being married to you. Well 2 can play at that game. Don't give up work, save what you can so you have funds for leaving. Meanwhile, down tools in the home. No washing or cooking for him, he does it, or it doesn't get done.
Before you had your DC, did he pull his weight in the home or were the signs already there?
Men who behave like this don't actually realise that what they are doing is helping their partner to see that they are obsolete. It gets to a point where a woman realises that the amount they are doing within the relationship, would be less if they parted and no longer had to look after them. Consider him training you up to manage fine without him. Plus you can get half 'his' savings through divorce.

I’d make sure I stayed employed because you can’t stay married to a man like that long term.

Honestly op I would stay working if I was in your situation. With a husband like yours you need to be financially independent. I am sorry to say this but I would not consider having another child with him.

Please do not have more children with this man 🙁 he sounds awful x

You need to get financial advice on how much you would actually get as a single mum in small house, with different working scenarios Lower position / part time / higher pay better childcare etc
you can only make decisions when you have fact

leave you husband ever way he us abusive