Scared husband will leave if I stop working

[Curlygirl123]

I’m curious if it’s normal to feel like this and I’d love some advice.

Ive been married for 3 years together for 10 years (we met at school) and when we got married I was pregnant with DS.

I stopped working after I gave birth because I was working a contract and received a lump sum mat payment, during that time my husband I wasn’t working my husband expected me to do all household duties (not a problem as understood I’m at home). He didn’t lift a finger. However he also regularly berated me for not working,I’m lazy, do nothing, don’t contribute, hold him back from saving, never have enough money, “If you don’t go back to work..”, “I don’t want a wife that doesn’t work..” etc. I had a side job from home but it was probably like £100 p/m.

I went back to work when DS was 15 months old and I did all the household duties PLUS my job. Now I’m in a higher position and a more stressful job recently went through 2 miscarriages, we have serious doubts about our childminder, and I feel like I’d like to leave my job and have some time off and find another job in the new year.

I am so jaded by my last experience because I was made to feel so utterly worthless and even though he says he’ll support my decision I don’t trust him.

What would you do? Part of me thinks I should be prepared that when I stop working he’ll end up leaving me and the kids. That was the biggest drive for me last time was to find a job to stop him being so unhappy and leaving.

Why don’t you want to work? If you are not happy in your job, look for another one (may take some time) but don’t do nothing, especially married to someone like him.

My DH said the same from the start - I don’t want a wife who doesn’t work. Wasn’t a problem-I didn’t want to BE a wife who doesn’t work. We both have hardworking mothers and grandmothers as examples, careers we have worked hard for and brains that need using. You are surely the same?

I’m not sure you’ve read the OP tbh….

The issue isn’t that she is working.
The issue is that the OP is working AND doing everything else too whilst he doesn’t lift a finger and she is burning out.
The issue is balance and one she isn’t able to find because one person in the house wants a maid rather than a wife.

Its great that you’re working and have that agreement with your dh right from the start.
Im assuming he is taking on 50% of the work in the house, facilitates you in your work/career, doesn’t expect you to always be the to juggle illnesses from children etc etc… which makes it possible for you to concentrate on work. Not him expecting you to work as if you were single but do the work in the house as of you were a housewife/SAHP.

Actually I think it's easier to be a single parent than to be stuck with a lazy bullying partner.

On your own, you can decide what tasks to prioritise without getting criticised.
You don't have the mental burden of resentment of being with someone who could share the chores & childcare and make your life easier, but doesn't.
You have full control of the household finances, so maybe you have less, but you know exactly what you're doing with it.

OK there are hard bits to it, but I can't see the point of a man who isn't an equal partner.

Especially one who somehow thinks he's more valuable in the partnership than the woman yet is doing far less. How the hell does that work? 🙄

This is not a husband and definitely not a man ( what we used to call them, these days they prefer being cocklodgers )

OP he sounds awful.

If I were you I'd find a new childminder and perhaps use some family money to employ a cleaner to help at home.

Leaving work again puts you in a vulnerable position and it doesn't sound like you can trust his support

He sounds awful.

Don't give up your job....he doesn't sound like a kind, generous man....you need to be independent imo.

As for the house work....just look after you and your DC. Don't cook for your DH and don't do his laundry.

shocking that so many people are telling you to leave your husband?! stand firm and tell him to do his share around the house, or at least help out. otherwise get a cleaner once a week, but for gods sake dont leave your husband and the father of your children over this issue. if its not a joint decision to stop working then i dont think its fair for you to stop. yes he could be nicer about it but hopefully you both work it out after a few long conversations.

What is your husband’s reasoning as to why you work full time and do all the housework / childcare etc?

Firstly get that sorted out. Get him to do his fair share.

Then maybe you won’t feel so burned out.

I would not give up your job. One day you might get sick of his piss poor attitude and leave. You’ll need your own income and you’ll be behind in earning terms if you’ve taken time out. Plus loss in work place pensions.

There’s no reason you need to give up work if all the household tasks are fairly distributed.

If it’s not a joint decision, I don’t think it’s fair either for him to not do a thing in the house and force the OP to basically work two jobs.

And im amazed you think it’s something that you could ‘work out after a few conversations’.
Don’t you think the OP has already had all those conversations and if it was as easy that talking it through, it would have solved years ago??

Of course, they could have a cleaner. Which would help the OP. But would also reinforce the fa Tv she can cope wo him lifting a finger.
How is that conducive to a happy marriage? How is that showing any respect for the work she is putting in by cooking, raising the children, cleaning etc… including all of HIS clothes, pants, mess and dirty dishes?

from what i understand he isnt forcing her. he's being lazy - theres a difference. if OP put her foot down, he would have to chip in. OP might then think that she can manage work. it would take time to change his habits, but that is something that needs to change. is it a good idea to promote divorce for this issue? theres children to think about. to say 'leave him' is irresponsible.

I disagree, he sounds like he bullies her.

She describes being berated and being made to feel worthless.

I doubt her "putting her foot down" is realistic with their dynamic.

berating her by saying things like he thinks she is lazy is something which would stupidly come out of someones mouth when they are arguing. he is in the wrong, but not an unforgivable act. its not cause to leave her husband ffs.

I think you're minimising.

And I think it's better to be prepared to end a relationship when you're treated poorly than to think you must stick it out.

Otherwise where's the incentive for him to change? He's got it all his own way - lord it over the woman, expect her to do everything at home and work, tear her down while she's raising their kids.

Being afraid he would leave is what got her into this position of burning herself out to placate him.

What she actually needs is not to be afraid of splitting.

😂😂😂😂😂

So here is a family with a toddler/young child.
‘He isn’t forcing g her to do it all. He is just lazy and she needs to put her foot down’
Cue for stuff lying around that could be dangerous for the child (like a glass, alcohol whatever). No plates or dishes to cook with. Stuff lying everywhere agd being a trip hazard. And of course… grumbles, shouting, silent treatment or in this particular case, probably insult directed at the OP in front of her child - as he has done before when he was on ML.

Yes. Ensuring that a man who thinks housework is a woman’s job is as easy as telling him he needs to get on with it and stop doing stuff 😂😂😂

Never mind that it’s pretty cLear the OP has had those conversations already. And will have tried to make him more involved.

Im not sure you can be more naive than that.

He sounds like an arse.

and I feel like I’d like to leave my job and have some time off

If I was married to someone like him, I really wouldn’t be making myself entirely financially dependent on him!

no youre absolutely right. OP there is no hope and your DH will never change so clearly you need to think about division and take your kids away from that monster. and if you do, you can thank lots of people on this thread for making you see the light

Divorce your husband for a start! What a prick!

Sou7nds awful, a lazy bastard and cannot make up his mind if you should be working or not! Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

What a waste ofspace he is.