Husband says no to sex all the time

[Camsi]

Hi guys!

I have been struggling to get my husband to be intimate with me. It always turns into a fight when I try to initiate. He gets nervous and changes subject.
For the past three days I have been moody around him, yesterday (while still in the mood) I stepped back and asked him to give work a break (he has been working extra from home for the past 5 months), and insinuate I wanted to have sex. He asked me “what do you want? U want to have sex?” I said yes, and then he said “I don’t wanna have sex bc I am stressed with work and u have been in a terrible mood the past three days”. I got very mad and felt rejected one more time. Was he right? I always used to think men would always be up for sex doesn’t matter what. I just can’t see if I am exaggerating in order of our prior problems or if this is some exception and he is right. Thank you guys!

Just to get a better grip on the situation

• How old are you both?
• How long have you been together?
• How long has he been rejecting intimacy?
• Did anything happen around the time he started rejecting intimacy? Like a bereavement, pregnancy, loss of job or income, ...?
• Of all the times you initiate, how many times does he reject you? Is it 100%, 50%, 20%?
• How do you handle the rejection? Do you argue, get upset or offended, ...?
• Is it possible that he's watching a lot of porn, or suffering from ED?

All of this.
Plus :
do you think there could be another woman in the picture?
Do you think he might have an STI ?

I’d not particulate to have sex with a partner who has been distant and sulky with me for days then suddenly wants intimacy. So your partner is stressed with work so hasn’t had much of a libido, everyone has the right to have these patches, instead of being understanding, you have been distant, moody and sulky, then out of nowhere you want intimacy, it doesn’t work like that for a reversal of the sexes, so why should it here. If this was the other way round you would be told to tell that sulky demanding manchild where to go. But you’ll probably get lots of support that this is his fault and everyone will blame porn or cheating instead of saying maybe he is actually stressed and to let him be until his libido returns, be loving with each other, take the pressure off and see how it goes.

A sulky partner (of either sex) is a huge turn off. I don't blame him at all.

Don’t turn him not wanting sex into a fight! If he doesn’t fancy it, let it go. All the unnecessary pressure will only be turning him off more.

So you’ve been sulky with him for three days and you expect him to have sex on your demand. I’d love to see the replies if this were the other way around.

You've been grumpy for days, then whilst still grumpy asked him to mid-WFH to have sex with you? I can't imagine why he wasn't falling over himself 👀

You're a red flag in how you're with a lack of intimacy, getting mad with him saying no and making an atmosphere at home when you don't get sex? If this was the other way around people would be telling you to leave!

If my husband was an arsehole to me for 3 days, then asked me to have sex with him, then threw a temper tantrum when I (obviously) didn't want to, he'd be out the door. Ridiculous, childish and manipulative behaviour.

Have you tried doing more around the house, cleaning up after you, doing the laundry, maybe run your husband a hot bath?

Is this a reverse? If not, you are acting like a lot of men do when turned down, which is counterproductive and not on. Who's going to have sex with someone that's been in a mood for days or argues with them in bed when it's doesn't happen?
Do you have DC's?

Ugh, if my partner was sulky for 3 days straight I couldn't have sex. That's a major turn off. I want a relationship with an adult not a sulky child.

Sulking and being moody are definitely not going to get you sex OP. I can't believe you actually "demanded" intimacy when he was working. It sounds as though your relationship is poor in other areas which naturally leads to a lack of sexual desire. I think you need to address the bigger picture here.

This has to be a reverse.

Hi! Thanks for your help!

I am 28yo and he is 36yo.

We have been together for 4 years.

For the past three months I have tried to initiate three times and got rejected. In addition he only wants to have sex once a month. Whenever we try more times in that month, he won’t get hard.

We have no kids and he has taken an extra job for the past six months, so he is working from 9am to 9pm. But things are the same when he is not working extra.

I feel that a while ago he wouldn’t say no to me, he would try even if he didn’t want and that’s when he wouldn’t get hard enough. It is so frustrating. He is always tired. He works in a office, I wonder how can it be possible when he has energy for anything else like playing golf, tennis, etc…

I handle very bad when I get rejected. I am not proud but I can’t control myself, we argue and I yell at him sometimes as well, bc I start thinking he is hiding something from me.

Over a year ago we broke up bc he was choosing porn over me (without me knowing), and for that fact we spent 6 months without having sex. I got back with him on the condition that he would stop watching porn and taking nicotine. It’s been a year has stopped nicotine (I know that bc he used to do it all the time even before go to bed), and with porn (as far as I know, since his browse history is always neat from now on).

I just think I overreact sometimes bc I am traumatized.

You've posted three threads about this now. Either you're messing with us, or you haven't got the message that he simply isn't interested in you/sex with you.

It is possible to delete your browsing history or just go incognito, so I wouldn't read too much into that.
I never thought 36 year old men would turn down sex, even with someone moody & sulky but MN is a real educator!
Maybe try planning something with him when he will have time & be receptive rather than just demanding sex immediately?

If he was so addicted to porn that you broke up over it before then I would guess porn is still the issue.
If he didn't seek treatment to address his addiction then I would seriously doubt he gave it up. He probably just got better at hiding it.
Honestly OP given your update I think you would be better ending your relationship.

Sex needs most extraneous thoughts gone and a clear mind so you can concentrate (not the best word to describe being in the zone). Having invasive all-pervasive thoughts about work difficulties is not unlike being in love - you can't just switch it off. Have you tried offering him a massage, rather than just making a demand/request?

I never thought 36 year old men would turn down sex, even with someone moody & sulky but MN is a real educator!

Good lord.

Some people are workaholics to avoid relationships…be aware of that tendency too

Is he avoiding the relationship, though? For some people, sex is a chore; they would rather relax and watch some TV.

I dunno but he’s also working a lot.
maybe knackered, maybe whatever but it can just be a pattern.

Ffs

man doesnt want sex, must be cheating!

You’re too young for this shit. He either needs to communicate with you much better than he is now, or you need to consider your future with him and whether you can put up with this.

You aren’t helping the situation by reacting the way you do, but it’s because of how things have been in the past and you probably can’t help it.

Some men don’t have a high sex drive and that’s it….it can be that simple! They are not all bloody horndogs! My ex had a high sex drive, drove me mental! My DP now has a much lower sex drive and we don’t have sex unless we BOTH want to, and that isn’t always at the same time! But when we do it is fucking amazing, we really enjoy it and have a great connection. It’s not just scratching an itch!!