Is husband putting me down for having depression?

[Mommabear12660]

I rarely open up to my husband about my mental health struggles since having our 2nd baby. She is now almost 4. This is what he asks EVERY-TIME I am brave enough to share my struggles.

1. He asks if I’m still on medication. (Which YES I unashamedly am.)
2. He says postpartum depression is only suppose to last 2-3 years. But it has an undertone like he’s shaming me?
3. He said “I wonder when you’ll accept that you are fine. I wonder if the meds are placebo.”
4. He tell me I need to pray more (or something along those lines).

I’ve explained to him multiple times that I don’t understand why I’m not better off meds. And yes I’ve prayed so much. I don’t think it’s placebo because it took to start working. It’s discouraging to open up and be asked those question. I ask him to have more compassionate and he says “I am compassionate”. What in the world do I do to help this man understand I’m not choosing this? 😞

Why did you come off the medication? Are you getting therapy?

@username7891 i am on medication! It helps so much! And I’m in therapy!

That's good to hear. I'm glad the medication is working for you. He doesn't sound very supportive. Is he supportive in other ways?

@username7891 yes - he works full time so I can stay home with the babies.

Sorry, I mean does he emotionally support you in other ways? Can you lean on him for emotional support?

@username7891 no I can’t lean on him for emotional support. He not really the safest person to share emotionally. I only share when he asks.

Is it possible your husband could come to a therapy session with you? Listening to someone else explain about depression and how it effects you personally as opposed to people in general may go some way to help him understand that every one reacts differently and it's not something you can get over within a specific time frame. Some therapists may not have done this before in your situation, but as long as you explain why you want to do this and they feel it is genuinely your idea I don't think they would have a problem with it.

Why isn't he safe to share with?

@Lallybroch that is a good idea! We haven’t don’t that. We are Christian so the subject is very taboo especially for him. It turned out world upside down when I developed postpartum psychosis and depression. Depression/fatigue is the main struggle now.

Often depression and mental health is linked to lifestyle.

Eg: when I left home and quit school, my ocd cleared up. Because the stressor were school and home life.

If your partners a dick and say...you hate your job...or just don't like your life, consider if making changes in those areas might help your mood.

Do you actually even like him? If not, cut him loose.

You cant heal a wound with the knife still in it.

@username7891 its a lot…. to sum up he’s just not the most compassionate. He’ll either start talking about his struggles or he’ll tell me how to fix it.

If he's not a safe person then don't let him anywhere near your therapy sessions.

Does he pull his weight in the home?

@Pinkbonbon i don’t always like him, but I do love him. He’s made some strides in a good direction. It use to be a lot worse

Have you told him what you need? For example, that you need sympathy and not solutions. Do you think couple's therapy would help?

@username7891 yes I have! Very clear and calm too. And he still proceeds to ask those same question and jump to “so when are you gonna get better”. It’s sucks. I’ve told him how much it hurts me to say that. Multiple times.

Apart from couple's therapy, where you can learn better ways of communicating, there's not much to suggest.

You've told him what you need and he's not listening. He's unsympathetic and impatient towards your mental health and he's unsupportive generally.

He's unlikely to change spontaneously, so you can find emotional support elsewhere or suggest counselling.

It took my DH about 20 years to understand that I didn't want him to fix my depression, but to actually listen to me when I struggled to talk about it and explain how I felt. For him, I think it a was a mixture of not understanding what depression really is/was (having never suffered from it) and thinking that he could make it better by getting me to think positively or by believing in myself. You say that your DH supports you by working full time and you stay at home with your children, does he help out in any way at home? It's possible he may not fully understand just how exhausting these early years are with young children.

If going to therapy with you may not be an option perhaps speaking to your local vicar/parson.

Most people are poor therapists. Sounds like he's trying to find the problem and a solution for it.

When you speak to him what are you looking for? Do you want him to just listen? To say something comforting? To reassure you it's not putting a strain on the relationship? To suggest what might help?

I'd say to have this conversation first. When I talk to you about my mental health I'm really hoping you will respond by .....

Then accept it if he isn't able to do that. It's sad that our partners can't be everything we need but therapists are trained and not personally involved and that's why they can be effective.

Do you get therapy? You can self refer on the NHS , long waiting list but no reason not to join it.

“So when are you going to get better?”
“When are you gonna stop being an asshole?”

Would he ask someone with cancer that same question? I highly doubt it. He’s doing it on purpose. And btw, being Christian has nothing to do with it. My family is too and my husband wouldn’t dream of being so horrible and insensitive.

Also, he thinks it should be fixed in a timeframe? He doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about. It takes as long as it takes and you’re doing everything you can to help yourself. He’s a huge part of your problem from where I’m sitting. I bet he’s got all sorts of gender role expectations. Does he still think women should be at home doing everything for the home and family whilst the man works? I bet he does. I bet be doesn’t listen to you either or belittles you when you try to assert yourself? Does he expect you to accept his word as final? I’m only asking because I think his attitude might be a huge source of the problem here. Can you tell us more about what your relationship looks like?

@TipsyJoker we’ve agreed on more traditional roles with some adjustments based on what we need. For instance sometimes I make money on the side to help out. And sometimes he helps around the house (although I have to ask multiple times or breakdown for him to help.) he definitely doesn’t listen well. He’s a pretty big talker. Lots of times he’s talking at me and not with me. He’s very defensive anytime I bring up how he’s upset me. He claims that he is compassionate and loves me. It’s odd.

Traditional roles are fine but not when one partner uses it to control another. He is not compassionate. Not even a little bit. He’s gaslighting you. He doesn’t listen to you, he talks down to you and at you, he is demeaning and unsupportive. Plenty of households are traditional in the sense that the man works and the wife stays home but when the man comes home, he should still be playing an active role in the home and with the children, allowing his wife time to relax and for self care, especially if there’s mental health issues at play. He doesn’t sound like he does any of that. Please do not take him to counselling with you because he will use it as just another thing to beat you over the head with. Next time he asks when you’re going to get better, just say, “oh wow! I just got completely healed just now! Thanks honey!” Stop letting him talk down to you. Put your foot down. He’s not helping, he’s not supporting, he’s hindering your progress. He sounds awful.

And he should do things when you ask, not wait until you break down before he steps in to help you. He does this so you will feel worse. His actions show he is determined to wear you down, not build you up. You shouldn’t have to beg or break down. It’s meant to be a partnership. He’s toxic.

It's no coincidence that women with awful husbands have depression or anxiety. Do you ever get a break from him? Do you notice if how you feel changes?

@NotNowGertrude yes. I can’t even sleep beside him. It’s weird. I have to go elsewhere to sleep peacefully

@TipsyJoker it does sound awful. He’s not always awful. He admits he struggles. And he grew up an emotionally immature house. I just hope we can work things out. And things are better than they were 5 years ago. Idk though how long I’ll be patient with it though. Especially if it perhaps is causing the depression