Am I being love bombed?

[N3wUs3rNam3Again]

Good evening.

So I've recently started dating a guy after a few years being on my own, to say I'm out of practice is an understatement so looking for some advice.

We met a year or so ago at an event we both regularly attend and gradually got to know eachother, we seemed to connect really well and there was definite chemistry between us, we eventually swapped numbers about 4 months ago and have started dating since. From quite early on he has worn his heart on his sleeve, he's very flattering and seems very in to me but I'm just not sure I buy it. I like spending time with him, I think he's attractive, but he's very over the top, say's he's never felt this way before, I'm his soul mate, he knew when he first saw me we we're destined to be together and when we've not seen each other for a few days he'll say he misses me. He often asks how I feel about him and asks if I miss him back and I'm finding it all a little premature. What do you think, am I right to be wary or should I give the poor bloke a chance?

Cold and nasty... That is really below the belt. Fortunately for you ...his old tricks don't work on you
.that probably infuriates him
. definitely call it a day. He has shown you who he is. It's good you have been cautious

It did hit a nerve actually.

I don't feel like I owe him anything but I don't know if I'm right to not tell him why I'm calling it a day, would it be better to say I know he wasn't asleep and that he lied to me?

I feel obliged to sugarcoat how I'm feeling when he asks if I feel the same as I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I have read your update....but just wanted to add this littel insight from a few weeks ago. You were confused and unsettled by his actions (the jury was out for you if he was LBing or just soppy) .... and then you broke your own boundaries because you changed / adapted your authentic behaviour to meet his wants and needs as you felt 'obligated'. This is the definition if controlling. There were other flags that you identified - he was different as a friend than an intimate partner - also that he did the push pull dance to test how far he could push you / how much you would tolerate.

Also a mature man with children surely would be more emotioanlly mature and grounded?

Good for you that you were on it from the start - you monitored it and attended to how his disrespectful behaviours (which were each at the level of 'plausible deniability' accumulated in time and impacted your own feelings) - you worked out you were better than this, not compatible and moved on. You had hope, gave him a chance with one eye paying attention - but he has shown you who he is.

Dont bother your arse engaging further with this character who has insulted and belittled you - why would you give him the chance to do that again and hurt you further. He will just do more DARVO (defend, attack, reverse victim and offended) - which is the classic MO of the abuser.

Anything you say or do now will be twisted so do not hand him the bullets to shoot your with.

He knows what he has done - hes just RAGING that he has been caught out and rejected.

Kepp yourself emotionally protected. Detach, delete, block.

You know he is abusive - dont assume this wont escalate, become problematic or physical. He might well be out to punish you in some way. You dont know him and you dont know what he is capable of. Keep detached, keep vigilate and keep safe.

Cold and nasty...

Thats a projection - thats what he is really like.

Your gut was right.
I really wouldn’t waste anymore time or emotion on him. I’d block him, remind myself that I’m ‘cold and nasty’ and focus my energy on my true friends.

Does he have a dog and his name starts with D? This story reminds me of someone..

Thanks @headhonchoponcho really insightful stuff. Surprisingly I don't feel any emotional attachment at all, more just disappointed, I'm thinking there may be something in his comment about me being cold lol.

No dog and his name doesn't begin with D, I guess there are millions of manipulators all playing the same game.

Don't waste a minute worrying whether his criticism of you as being cold is true. If you're his soulmate surely you are perfect in every way for him so how come now you're cold? You have done well to escape this relationship and it is another example of always always trust your gut. The question at the start should be more 'do I feel comfortable with this person' rather than is he doing x y z beside even if he's not doing x y z if you are uncomfortable then it's not the right relationship for you. Keep yourself safe and get some support over the next few weeks because his tactics will now intensify now you have left him. You don't owe him any explanations. Well done and good luck.

I agree with PP that its how you feel in your gut that is the decider of even compatibility so any ick, cringe, unsettled or just confusion are enough information to listen to rather than what he is actually doing.

You are not cold you are just alert you spotted this early doors and you were keeping anappropiate emotional distance. He likely targeted and has been grooming you.

Dont take anything negative from this duplicitous emotionally abusive man.

Thank goodness we have the words and insights for these cliche patterns of behaviours these days and the forum clarify when the confusion and gaslighting sets in.

Withdrawn

I would leave any more messages from him unread and ignore, I'm sure he's aware of what he's doing, seems to be a lot out there with the same player tactics.

No one can tell you if it's love bombing based on your post. Love bombing is purposeful behaviour, used to manipulate someone into falling deep into relationship and to prevent them from questioning red flags. A lot of pop psychology terms became overused and everyone acts as if they are armchair therapists able to diagnose people over the post on Internet. Same with "gaslighting" which is purposeful, very damaging abuse tactics, yet people use that term for literally anything these days.

Trust your instincts and see how it goes. If he makes you feel uncomfortable that's all that matters. Maybe you're not compatible.

So we have had a bit of communication again today, he's tried banter and getting me round his, I've been quite repetitive just saying sorry it's not working for me, we're not compatible etc. I have not responded to his last message which again suggests I should go to his place to talk. He seems very fixated on whether I fancy him still, which I find odd. I think maybe I was punching a bit above my weight so it may be to do with that. Anyway it's been a few hours since he sent his last message so I'm hoping it's going to tail off now, but appreciate also it could just be the start.

Thanks again everyone for all the advice, it's been really helpful to have my thoughts validated.x

Oh well done OP. It probably wasn't even conscious, but he was absolutely testing boundaries to see what he can get away with and how far he could push you. If you find yourself faltering, go back and read the NASTY messages. Dh and I have had some humdinger arguments over the years, but in 20 years of being together, its only got nasty once or twice and honestly, those times have been huge light bulb moments for us and we took the time and effort to work past it. He sent you nasty messages becuase you ended it and now wants you back? I don't thinks o.

ignore him now OP.

not the main issue but you mentioned that you ‘know’ he ‘sees’ and has a good relationship with his DC. Don’t think you can actually know that unless you also know them and have seen him with them often, which seems unlikely.

i mention this because have witnessed people I know being taken in by dicks usung the ‘I’m a great dad, my DC mean the world’ etc.

And def dont go to his home.

His ego is piqued ....he is trying to bait you with banter so that he can draw you back in to punching distance so that he can then win by insulting and hurting you some more. He's raging that you were the one to end the relationship which up-ended his plan to have a confused and compliant GF tap-dancing around him.

He's only going to continue to punish and disrespect you.

Stop engaging as it will only serve to ultimately bite you on the arse.

I've thrown a few emotionally incontinent fish back, too.

Trust your gut.

@Loopytiles I hear you.

@headhonchoponcho don't worry I definitely won't be going to his home and I won't engage further, I feel satisfied that I have given him sufficient explanation as to why I don't want to continue and I was careful not to make it about him, rightly or wrongly I made it about me. I've felt a bit nervous if I'm honest and whilst I have no reason to think he would be aggressive or violent towards me my instinct told me to tread carefully.

I'm actually going away now for a few days, so I can relax knowing we won't bump into each another and if he turns up at mine, I won't be there.
Thanks again.x

No it’s not. Love bombing is emotional, with the intention of reeling someone in emotionally early one- when the love bomber has a game plan, and is not actually feeling it the way they are saying they are. They do this because they want to get their victim fully wrapped up in it and dependant on them, before all the games and manipulation, and hot and cold behaviour begin.