Am I being love bombed?

[N3wUs3rNam3Again]

Good evening.

So I've recently started dating a guy after a few years being on my own, to say I'm out of practice is an understatement so looking for some advice.

We met a year or so ago at an event we both regularly attend and gradually got to know eachother, we seemed to connect really well and there was definite chemistry between us, we eventually swapped numbers about 4 months ago and have started dating since. From quite early on he has worn his heart on his sleeve, he's very flattering and seems very in to me but I'm just not sure I buy it. I like spending time with him, I think he's attractive, but he's very over the top, say's he's never felt this way before, I'm his soul mate, he knew when he first saw me we we're destined to be together and when we've not seen each other for a few days he'll say he misses me. He often asks how I feel about him and asks if I miss him back and I'm finding it all a little premature. What do you think, am I right to be wary or should I give the poor bloke a chance?

I think that you're right to wary because when someone is so over the top early on, it comes across as insincere and desperate. I've experienced this before.

Yes. Unlike financial products, ‘past performance is an indicator of future results.’ What’s his relationship history? You are right to be cautious. I have experienced similar in my 40s, and it was only with hindsight that I could see his pattern was that I was part of a longish line of ‘the ones.’

I know a bit about his past, what he's told me anyway but I'm mindful I'm only getting his version. I know he sees his kids and he has good relationships with them.

Yes I'm definitely going to have a chat and ask him to tone it down a bit.

Quite cheesy isn't it? Unless he's 20, I'm not buying the 'never felt this way'. If he has a long dating history, it's definitely BS. He's coming out with the classic lines.
I can't stand the concept around soulmate either😖 anyone who'd say that would not be on the same page as me. There are multiple possibilities in a partner, the idea of there being one ideal is ludicrous. At best he's naive and clingy, at worst he's manipulative and lovebombing, with possible abuse to follow once he thinks you've fallen for it. Neither situation is attractive. You could try remaining grounded and see if he dials it back in time, or just end it if you develop the ick.

Or a third option is he genuinely means it (for now) but regardless it’s too much for the OP, and she’s right to demur.

After 4 months - not sure he's being abnormal (although the asking if you miss him too does come across as needy).
Basically he's just needier than you - and you're not ready to emotionally commit.
I don't think he will find it easy to 'dial it back' as some have suggested

This sounds like my ex we broke up in the summer he went from me to another very quickly he is in his 50s does he have autism ? Its major love bombing i had very similar happen to me when we was first daring i also felt pressured with lots of over the top whats app messages also saying same things re soul mate in only a very short space of time! he turned into some that had cohesive and very controlling behaviours! Ive heard he is now doing the same to his new girlfriend who he went from me to her in not even a week from a dating site i think he was seeing her behind my back too as he cannot be alone these types go from one to another doing the same its a pattern and major red flag in my experience

From my personal experience yes this is love bombing, my daughters dad was like this very early, he even told me he was inlove with me after two months (yes I know I'm a fool) he would also always want to help out round the house as much as he could like little DIY things and he would buy me flowers, chocolates, books etc eventually he changed and became the ultimate asshole and still is! He's the biggest narcissist I've ever known and I regret even giving him the time of day. Yes not all men are like this but if your gut is telling you something and alarm bells are ringing just acknowledge them as they aren't usually wrong.

I'd find this off putting, whether it's love bombing or he really thinks he feels this way. Tell him it's too much too soon and see what happens.

I would feel suffocated with him. He reminds me of a man I dated before meeting my now DH who told me on our 3rd date he had fallen in love with me. Obviously I walked away as I felt like he was rushing things and I wasn't feeling the same way. For me we were just getting to know each other and I was taking it date by date.
If you think it's just about him being too excited then perhaps you can tell him to turn it down, but if you have a gut feeling he isn't really seeing you for who you are and living in some kind of fantasy instead then there's no point wasting your time with him. Just go with your gut.

I think his protestations sound immature and manipulative and frankly unbelievable.

The OP sounds clued in thankfully.

Sorry to hear where some of you have experienced love bombing and the relationships have turned controlling. This is the worry I guess. What puzzles me is in person he isn't this way, he's just a pretty standard bloke, we have a laugh and good conversation, there's no ott declarations of love, he saves all this for messaging.

@someon I don't know if he has a diagnosis of anything but I've wondered if he has ADHD. What are you thinking around linked behaviour?

Sorry to hear where some of you have experienced love bombing and the relationships have turned controlling. This is the worry I guess. What puzzles me is in person he isn't this way, he's just a pretty standard bloke, we have a laugh and good conversation, there's no ott declarations of love, he saves all this for messaging.

@someon I don't know if he has a diagnosis of anything but I've wondered if he has ADHD. What are you thinking around linked behaviour?

Mine was like this. 2 years in and he’s just as adorable. I find it wonderful now and not odd like I did at first

He sounds more needy than love-bomber

Incorrect. Love bombing can also be emotional, in fact it is more often likely to be emotional. The person gives you attention, flattery, compliments constantly and very intently at the start, usually very over the top i.e. saying they are in love or you are their soul mate after mere weeks. This evokes endorphins, makes the recipient feel lovely and loved. The love bomber will then suddenly pull back without explanation, which makes the recipient crave the attention and they will then try to get that attention back, usually putting up with or ignoring poor behaviour. That's when the love bomber knows they will have snared the recipient.

'In Control' by Prof Monkton-Smith is an excellent read for anyone wanting to know more about love bombing and controlling relationships

Interesting stuff I'll look up your book suggestion.

He has cancelled a few times on me actually, I've not had an issue at all with this, plans change, things happen but I wonder now on reflection if that's his attempt at pulling back but from my response he realises I've not been drawn in and he steps up the ott declarations.

I don't know whether to wait and discuss it face to face with him or just ask through messages for him to tone it down.

I think some people do enjoy being all soppy and lovey dovey in the intense initial stage of a new relationship, it might be that it’s just that and you’re not that way inclined and he is? Or you’re not used to that?

but it also seems like your gut is telling you he might not be being genuine and real with his words. I would say actions speak louder than words so see how things go. But is he going to be able to sustain this? Flames that burn the brightest often go out the quickest. Or something like that 🤔 😆

I would say it face to face in a public place and watch his reaction, body language, etc. You won’t be able to gain that info through a message or call.

The romantic in me is a little sad. My OH said he knew when he met me, and was quite full on - and 20 years on he's still as soppy.

That being said, I have been love-bombed by someone who was not a nice person. It was a form of emotional velcro in an attempt to snag my feelings. It was deeply uncomfortable and very much unwanted. It's sneaking subtle coercion and attempt to validate while also slyly promoting a feeling of not being able to upset or displease - made my toes curl

So I can very much see both sides.

Sorry you experienced this.

I quite believe there are people who do fall quicker than others, with no ulterior motive, we're all wired differently after all. I just have to figure out if he is one of the good or bad ones.

I get what you're saying. I feel obliged to sugarcoat how I'm feeling when he asks if I feel the same as I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I need to look up emotional Velcro as I'm not familiar with this term. Thanks.

An update, on am I being love bombed... So I had a little chat and I asked him to tone it down a bit which he did, we clarified we were happy getting to know one another and were going to continue to take it slow, then just over a week ago he randomly went all aloof on me, one word answers to my texts and not initiating any conversation, day 1, I asked if he was ok? all good here thanks , day 2, I asked if we were ok, had a hard day, then day 3, I asked if I'd done something to piss him off, blamed his distance on family issues, I said I'd give him space and I left him to it, he got in touch 24 + hrs later apologising. He apologised for a few days I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we put it behind us. We were due to meet up last night, I'd been out and was back a little later than thought, he text to see how things were going, 10 mins later I text him back to say I'd be 20 minutes. I text when I was nearly ready and again to ask him to bring something, radio silence from him. However in the meantime I can see he's been on WhatsApp. Almost 2 hours later he texts to say sorry he'd fallen asleep. I thanked him for his explanation and told him it wasn't working out for me, after a few messages of him asking me what and why he resorts to telling me I'm cold and nasty. I nearly sent him screenshots of my texts with time sent and his WhatsApp with time online but refrained and instead told him he'd had a lucky escape. He's currently declaring his love for me again and begging for me to talk to him. So we've gone from love bombing to bread crumbing to gas lighting to love bombing again. I'm glad I was switched on at the start and didn't fall for his bullshit, still hurts a bit even though it was somewhat expected. So another one bites the dust.

You're brilliant, you had him sussed right from the beginning! I bet you have a massive smug smile on your face right now.

He is a common or garden tosser who isn't worthy of you. Don't give him a second thought now.

Well done, he has proved to be unstable. Perhaps he is ND, or maybe just a person with issues, either way, he cant take rejection, even when he causes it himself. He's now shown how unstable he is, you don't need that in life. I recommend just blocking him.

@healthybychristmas thank you, and I do feel a bit smug, I'm smug that he lost at his own game.

@Opentooffers I've never blocked anyone before, I'd rather keep communication open for a bit as I don't want him coming round, but if he persists too long or is abusive then I definitely will.